Thoughts on Calvin

Photo by Ben Raynal via Flickr.
Photo by Ben Raynal via Flickr.
Photo by Ben Raynal via Flickr.

If the majority of women consider hooking up to be incredibly unsatisfying and unfulfilling, why do they continue to do it? This is what I thought about when I came across Hooking Up Smart, a relationship and dating site run by consultant Susan Walsh. As I read through all of the informative blog posts, I felt a rush of vivid memories flood back I had a random sexual encounter one, with a person when I was in college (half a decade ago), and I’m, still filled with regret. Regret that I moved so quickly with someone I barely knew (he was a mutual friend and we hooked up the night we met), regret that I never got to show him that I’m was not a whore in real life.

I was 21 years old at the time of the hookup, and I suddenly felt guilty about being overly conservative as I listened to all my other friends shared the details of their sexual conquests. The guy, lets call him Calvin, was my second sexual experience. I had a long-term boyfriend in high school, and had not dated anyone for the first two years of college. For most of my time in college, I was mainly concerned with keeping my academic scholarship and graduating school on time. I also did not drink much alcohol, which pretty basically much took me out of the binge-focused campus dating scene. But I did feel lonely at times and I wondered if I was truly making the best of my “young and fun” years by studying with friends every night in the library.

I decided in the final months leading up to my graduation from college that I was going to take life by the balls and give in to the feminist mantras mantras playing in the back of my mind: It’s your body and you can do whatever you want with it. Women can be sexually adventurous, too. Sometimes sex can just be casual with no strings attached. Every girl needs a booty call…

So, I drank more. I partied more. I smoked more. And I flirted a lot more. One night, I went over to my friend’s house to pregame (i.e., drink heavily before you drink heavily at a second location) and my friend introduced me to Calvin, who lived in her dormitory building. I knew instantly that he was attracted to me by the way he smiled and played with his chest. We both ended up making out at a party while we were drunk out of our minds. Later that night, after house party hopping for a few hours, we ended back a his dorm, where we tried to have very awkward sex. I was too nervous to have full-fledged vaginal intercourse with Calvin (someone I did not know) so I ended up fooling around (orally, if you get my drift). After he passed out, I sneaked out and went back to my suite. The next day, we both shared the details of the night’s sexual encounter with our mutual friends―I talked about his penis size, while he told friends that he wasn’t impressed with the lack of sex.

When I found out what he said about my reservations about full-on sex, I was furious and horribly embarrassed. And, I assume, that he was embarrassed about what I said about him as well. I also found out an additional detail: We didn’t event get intimate in his room; the deed took place on his friend’s roommate’s bed, who was out of town that weekend. Ugh. After the hookup, I could feel the disapproving stares from his friends. Since he was a mutual friend, I had to see a whole lot more Calvin against my own best wishes―I went with him to a few house parties, at group dinners and on shopping runs. Socializing with him was strange and awkward. The sad thing is that I thought he was actually pretty cute. At one point, I wanted to scream and say “I’m actually not loose! I’m quite conservative!” But the truth is that I was acting promiscuous in that moment. And I blew any chance with getting to know him without all of the awkwardness.

I decided then to never hook up with someone again, namely because:

  1. Sex is horrible: I think sex should be about intimacy and caring, and a sexual hookup skips over all of the intimacy that makes sex enjoyable. It’s also a strange thing to do something so personal with someone you do not know well. There is no way that sex between strangers will be as intimate, passionate or loving as sex between people who genuinely care for one another. Some research confirms that hookup sex is bad: One study found that only 40 percent of women had an orgasm during their last hookup involving intercourse, while 80 percent of men did. Roughly three quarters of women in the survey said they had an orgasm the last time they had sex in a committed relationship. I would much rather have sex with someone I love.
  2. Pregnancy risk: No form of birth control is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy, which makes having sex with complete strangers extremely risky. There’s also the threat of sexually transmitted diseases, which makes hooking up scary and irresponsible. As someone who was raised by an overworked single mother, I have no interest in becoming a single mother myself.
  3. Loss of value: Men like to the chase of meeting and pursuing attractive women, and hooking up is a surefire way to make sure you never hear from the guy again. Getting pumped and dumped wears on a person’s self-esteem and self-worth.

My negative hookup experience is fairly common for most women. Studies have shown that sex is better if there’s an emotional component. Research involving 600 college students led by an evolutionary biologist at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and researchers at Binghamton University found that women were twice as likely to reach orgasm from intercourse or oral sex in serious relationships as in hookups.

So why do women do it? My guess is that women hook up for any kind of affection. Traditional dating is not happening anymore on college campuses, so the promiscuous hookup culture of getting drunk and having sex with strangers is often the only way for women to interact with single men. Yes, there (supposedly) may be women who say that they enjoy casual sex with strangers, but those women are certainly not the majority. I’ve never met one of those women in my entire life―have you?. Studies show that they majority of women want long-term and respectful relationships. I certainly do.

Five years after the experience, I now know this: My hookup certainly was not a one-night stand inconsequential event. I remember the experience wildly and I am still filled with regret. I will not be hooking up again.

Did you actually enjoy a hookup experience and expect nothing afterward? Share your hookup story below.

Author: Lilac Blue

Lilac Blue is writes about femininity, love and family in a world that has been drastically altered by industrialization, secularism, misandry and misogyny.

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