Idolizing Psychopathy

Beer lovers. Young cheerful couple drinking beer at the bar

I’m beginning to see a common thread between much of the language used in popular culture about relationships between men and women. There seems to be a great deal of game playing going on. For every tip about “game” written on Red Pill/manosphere forums, there might be double the amount of language made available for women in popular music, self-help books and other sources. One book stands out as the pinnacle dating bible for women: “The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right,” by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider,” was published more than 20 years ago. Full of manipulative dating tips, such as wait for him to call and pretend to be busy, the book continues to be read widely in spite of its very obvious flaws. Why is game playing so popular among dating gurus?

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It Depends

Women talking

My time away from Ladies Again has changed my views on everything

I apologize for my long absence from Ladies Again. This past year has been a whirlwind for me in a number of ways. In the past 12 months, I quit my job, started a new job training program, and traveled in Asia. I also began a self-healing journey, as corny and pretentious as that sounds. Much of my healing focused (or focuses?) on reducing my anxiety around relationships and dating. The creation of Ladies Again is a product of that anxiety, since the site was designed to be a repository of information about femininity and traditional relationships. Quick! I have to boost my femininity before I end up old and alone forever! I always prided myself as being an anti-feminist who hated today’s blase misandry, but the truth was I was deeply afraid of being used or manipulated by men.

It all started with the end of an unhealthy relationship, which forced me to recognize that I was repeating the same relationships over and over again. I signed up for therapy, which is when I confronted the fact that my father was not involved in my life, and that the fear of being a lonely single mother was guiding the decisions I made in my relationships. I also realized that I was preoccupied with relationships and love, and this is evident in the number of relationship-related articles published on Ladies Again. Dating gave me a lot of anxiety. I spent much of the past year working on that anxiety. Now, I see dating anxiety in others everywhere. I would bet that many popular dating columnists and pick-up artists have this kind of relationship anxiety and preoccupation with dating as well. MGTOW, for instance, may be a way of trying to manage dating anxiety by dropping out of the sex market altogether. After therapy, I realized an irony that was so intense that it smacked me in the face: I was so afraid of ending up alone that I was attracted to the men most likely to abandon me.

I had to admit the truth. I have always been honest and open in my friendships with other women, but I resorted to playing games with men. Without seeing positive relationship role models in my own home or family, I followed much of the foolish dating advice given in pop culture by armchair experts like pick-up artists, talk show hosts, and advice columnists, among others. Sometimes, there are quality articles from professional psychologists (like this one), but most of it is garbage. Play hard to get. Wait for three months to have sex. Return his calls late. Don’t talk about your ex. Never depend on a man. Make him pay for everything. Let him take the lead in all decisions. Much of this advice is outdated, illogical, and makes dating more complicated than it needs to be. At best, modern dating advice works well only for people looking for casual sex. At worse, dating advice teaches people to be dishonest. In the long run, you lose by following mainstream dating advice. Who wants to be in a relationship with a man or woman who does not answer their phone calls, doesn’t open up about their past, and allows the other person to dictate all relationship decisions? A person who is clearly not interested in establishing a healthy and open relationship.

My new dating mantra is “it depends.” It all just depends! The only thing you can do is go with your gut–if a person is giving you anxiety or making you feel insecure, it’s not a good fit. It is impossible to apply firm rules to a dating world that has been affected by the forces of industrialization, urbanism, feminism, misandry and secularism. Firm rules work only for individuals confined to their own religious or political communities, like Mormons for instance.

So, I stopped stressing out about relationships and dating. I decided instead to spend much of my free time with my friends and family. I learned to dance in the past year, something I never thought I would do. I finally had the time to volunteer and read fiction books. I also threw my dating rules out of the window. It doesn’t make sense to pretend to be something you’re not just to hook someone in. Finally, I stopped putting marriage and children on a pedestal. I am just starting to realize that a person’s contribution to the world does not have to be based on their ability to marry and have children. Snooki and Kanye West have children, and that doesn’t make them healthier than a random childless person. It’s probably for the best, for example, if sociopaths, addicts and narcissists decide to skip marriage and children altogether.

Ultimately, it all depends! Oh, how freeing it is to admit that truth. I will continue to write for Ladies Again, but the focus of my writing will now include details on my own self-healing journey. I will write about my efforts to be more open, honest and caring. Stay tuned!

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Signs of the Serial Dater

When you’re dating, one of the worst things that can happen is when you think the date went well and you later find out that your interest was not reciprocated by the other person. Sometimes, the other person was not attracted to you physically, and there is nothing you can do to change their minds about that issue once the date has already taken place (after all, you only get one chance to make a first impression and hygiene is important for everyone). But other times, the person did not want to go on a second date with you because they did not feel the “elusive” spark that they were hoping to feel on the first date. What is the spark exactly?

Very few people can define “the spark.” Oftentimes, it is used to refer to the sexual attraction between two people. Other times, it can mean feeling as though you both clicked in terms of personality compatibility. Ultimately, looking for the spark is a lost cause because you need to spend a few hours getting to know someone to determine whether you have similar goals, personality characteristics, sexual values and ethics. One date is not going to help you determine if you are compatible with the other person. Worst still, a person who is making dating decisions based solely on physical attraction may not be willing to do the work later on that it takes to sustain a healthy relationship when times get tough. It is a waste of time to date people who are looking for the elusive spark.

If you are serious about dating for marriage, your number one priority should be to find ways to filter out daters who are looking for the romantic spark. After all, those people tend to be serial daters who go on an endless number of dates because they are looking for an instant connection. These are the people who find ways to squeeze in four or five dates each week. So what are the signs that your date is a serial dater who is looking for instant chemistry?

They Push for the First Date

You can always tell that the person is a serial dater because they do not waste any time getting you to agree to going on a date. While it is boring and inefficient to wait weeks and sometimes months to agree to go on a date, serial daters want to go on a date before they spent any time getting to know you. You’ve seen them before in nightclubs―you return their glance, make eye contact for a few seconds and they come over and ask for your number. And if you have ever tried online dating, you have received their messages before. You wink and them and they ask if you are free for coffee tomorrow.

The serial dater gets excited by the randomness of searching for the romantic spark, so they will reach out to anyone to see if a romantic connection is possible. These daters have not learned yet that it is better to call dates on the phone to screen them first to check for personality and value compatibility. If you recognize them online or on the street, just move on because they will waste your time.

Flirting couple in cafe using digital tablet
No one has this much fun on a coffee date.

I’m sharing an actual conversation I have had with a serial dater. We met for coffee in a cramped coffee shop. The meeting was long, boring, and I realized that I did not spend any time getting to know the person before the date. (I also learned that coffee dates are the worst kind of dates you can have because they are cold and unromantic). We met once and never met again. Here’s the conversation that lead up to the date:

Me: [I winked at him on a dating site]
Him: Are you off tomorrow? Want to meet at a cafe somewhere and play some chess?
Me: (I ignore his invite) You might have the best profile I’ve seen thus far. Great photos.
Him: Thanks! I’m not that cool all the time in real life, but I try to do some interesting things…

[We talk about work and school for a few messages]

Him: So I’m out great at online messaging, you want to meet up in real life for a coffee or something?
Me: Sure.

As you can see from the above conversation, his first message out of the gate (!) was a request to go out for coffee before he knew my name, or whether I believed in Jesus or Ganesh, or if I wanted kids. I should have ignored his message and realized that he was looking for the romantic spark.

They Will Just KNOW

Another sign of the serial dater is that they feel like they will just know when they connect with someone. They do not believe that love can grow between two people over time. When it comes to love with the serial dater, either they feel it or they don’t. They are ultimately impulsive, and less likely to delay gratification. I have experienced this before, since I’ve met a few serial daters during my Red Pill Diary dating experience over the past year. You can see this during the date if they are impatient and want to schedule a date with you right away. And during the date, you know you are with a serial dater if they tell you that they feel connected with you right away.

What I Learned

You can take a few steps to recognize the serial dater.

  1. First, always call him first before the date to see if you actual enjoy talking to the person. Chatter is important! If he does not want to talk first, or asks why you want to talk first, he’s a schmuck, and should be avoided.
  2. Second, find a way to determine if he is looking for a spark. I like to ask men trick questions like, “How do you know if you found someone that you click with?” I also like to ask: “Do you think that attraction is something that is built over time or are you pretty confident that you know immediately whether the relationship will work?”

What are your experiences with the serial dater? How can they be avoided? Subscribe if you like what you see at Ladies Again.

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One Date a Week: Shower First

One Date a Week

Last year, I swallowed the Red Pill and decided to do all that I could to become a much more feminine and attractive woman. As part of my commitment to reinvent myself, I swore that I would make dating a bigger priority in my life. These are my Red Pill Dating Diaries.

Woman with smartphone.
Photo by Pexels.

I’ve been on a number of dates in the past year, searching for a goal-oriented and honest person in my age range that I can connect with on a romantic level. For the most part, dating has been a pretty straight-forward process―I meet people for dinner or a walk around the city, we speak for an hour or two and then we decide if we’d like to spend more time with each other. But sometimes, the date makes me so uncomfortable that I try to find ways to speed up the process so that I can go home, where it is safe and quiet. How uncomfortable is uncomfortable? Well, I can think back to a number of first dates where I was not sure if the person showered that week. Their hygiene game was on level zero. These were true grizzly men.

I met Grizzly Man #1 through OKCupid. I want to get to know the person that I’m dating over the phone first (because, well, he might be crazy! Or, alternatively, I may be a bad personality match for him also). We talked on the phone and texted for a few weeks prior to our date. We decided to keep our first date simple and just limit our activity to walking around the Golden Gate Park, a massive urban park in San Francisco. I got there first, and when I saw him approach the bench I was sitting on, I knew that I made a mistake agreeing to the first date.

From a distance, he was wearing green sweatpants and a red sweatshirt that was two sizes too small for him (and was showcasing his burgeoning beer belly). His hair was disheveled. As he got closer, I saw that his hair was very slick and oily. Then, I leaned in to give him a hug, and I smelled actual musk. I wondered: When did he shower last? And why would a person show up to a date smelly and disheveled? I could feel the disappointment welling up in my chest. I enjoyed talking to him on the phone, but could not feel attracted to someone who did not take care of themselves properly.

I wanted out. I began to convince myself that maybe he showed up smelly to the date because he did not want me to like him. Like, maybe he found another woman he liked more, but didn’t have the heart to cancel our date. Yes, that’s what’s it is! Just as I was starting to believe my own theory, Grizzy Man #1 kept asking me questions about the qualities that I’m looking for in a potential spouse. I answered his questions, and then he would try to convince me that he met all of those qualities. Then he kept complimenting me about how attractive I was. Oh shoot! The smelly guy thinks he has a chance. As we walked around the park, several concertgoers―who were just exiting a large outdoor concert also taking place in the park―decided to pee in the bushes that lined the sidewalk. So, unabashed public urination happened on a date with smelly Grizzly #1. How fitting.

I met Grizzly #2 through the app Coffee Meets Bagel. We talked on the phone prior to meeting, and I had already decided that we might not hit it off in person. This was because he talked entirely too much. It took him several minutes to answer basic questions about his background. But, he did have an interesting job in science, so I was intrigued by some of the research he was conducting. So we decided to meet. But then, the public train was delayed and I ended up being 45 minutes late to our date. I felt awful, and just wanted to run home from embarrassment. When I arrived at the bar (which was having a trivia night), he was waiting outside. I apologized, and decided to put my best foot forward on this date, since I screwed up by being late. I gave him a hug upon first meeting him, and I smelled a slight whiff of musky underarms. No problem, I thought, he was waiting a while so maybe he was just nervous.

We sat across from each other and played a card game, a game that he was taking too seriously. We talked and chatted, and he still talked too much, but he had strong opinions, so I kicked back and let him ramble. After playing the game for a while in the loud bar, we decided to get food at a quiet spot. By the time we got to the restaurant, his body odor was on full alert! How could a person decide to forgo wearing deodorant on a first date? But then again, I tried to quell my judgmental attitude because I was wrong for being so late to the date. So I plastered on a phony grin through the meal. After the dinner we walked back toward the train and he kept putting his hand on lower part of my back, apparently in an attempt to feign closeness. I just wanted to grab a can of air freshener and douse his body in it. He asked me if he could kiss me. I said no…a little too quickly. I backed-tracked by saying that I didn’t kiss on the first date.

Later that night, Grizzly #2 texted me goodnight and asked if he could meet up again. I said okay, because I felt bad for two reasons: first, that I may have made him feel bad by being late on the date, and second, that he seemed to be falling for me, and yet was oblivious to how he smelled. I began to rationalize―maybe I made him nervous, so I don’t want to dismiss him so early. Plus he was great to talk to. Maybe the attraction can come later.

I went on a second date with Grizzly #2 and he was just as smelly as before. And he was more obnoxiously opinionated than I remember him being before. I told him on the date that I just wanted to be friends, though that was a lie.

Normally, at the end of my articles on my dates, I add a section on lessons that I’ve learned from the dating process. But, I’m not sure what the lesson was from these dates. Was there a way that I could have discerned from my screening phone calls that my online dates lacked basic hygiene habits? Perhaps one of major the downfalls of online dating is that you do not have any contextual background information on the people that you are meeting online. If I had worked or volunteered with the two Grizzlies, I might have known that they do not care about their hygiene, but since we met online, I would have only learned about them after we met in person.

What are your online dating tactics? How would you handle a date with one of the Grizzlies? Like what you see here? Subscribe for the latest from Ladies Again.

 

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Is He the Right Guy to Date? Skip the Men Who Party Too Much

The Adicts at SO36. Kreuzberg-Berlin

What’s one of the best ways to figure out if a man is ready for marriage? Ask him how much he enjoys drinking and going out to bars. In one of the greatest books ever written on dating, researcher John T. Molloy argues in “Why men Marry Some Women and Not Others” that the best-suited men for relationships and marriage are those who have already grown tired of the singles scene in bars and nightclubs.

In the book, Molloy and a team of researchers interview men and women just leaving marriage license bureaus to learn more about the similarities between marriage-minded people. Their findings are startling and eye-opening. One of the findings from the research shows that marriage-minded men are those who have grown out of the singles scene.

Man binge drinking.
This guy probably isn’t thinking about marriage and kids.

“Many men reluctantly admitted that for more than a year, they had felt uncomfortable in the singles world where they had been hanging out for the past five years,” Molloy said. “It is not how old they are that makes men uncomfortable, it is how old they feel, or how old others make them feel. Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry.”

So, it’s in your best interest to avoid dating men who love to party because those men are probably not ready to settle down. I’ve experienced this personally. I dated an older man who had absolutely no interest in giving up the bar and partying scene. Going out partying with his boys week after week was just as much a priority to him as spending time with me or with his family. I now know to look specifically for men who are getting bored by the club and bar scene.

The book also provided tips on other ways to find marriage-minded men, including:

There is a specific age range when a man is ready to get married

  • A man whose education ended at the high school level is looking to get married at ages 23 or 24. Similarly, a man whose education ended at the college level is looking to get married at age 26. When men earn graduate degrees, expect that they will want to get married in their late 20s or early 30s.
  • “Ninety percent of men who have graduated from college are ready for the next step between ages twenty-six and thirty-three…But this window of opportunity stays open only for four to five years, and then the changes a man will marry start to decline.” (3)
  • Aim for men who are between ages 28-33.

There are “Stringer” Men Who Have no Intention of Marrying Anyone

  • Have you ever met a man who told you that he’s had several long-term relationships? That man is likely a “Stringer,” a man who enjoys the companionship of women, but has no interest in committing long-term to one specific person.
  • “A stringer is a man who strings women along….He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.”(11)
  • Make a deadline for the stringer to commit: “If he doesn’t commit to you within six months, get rid of him….He may tell you that you’re coming on too strong. He may complain that the two of you haven’t been going together long enough, that he doesn’t know, that he hasn’t made up his mind. In fact, he is likely to tell you anything that will get you to stick around without his needing to make a commitment. Don’t fall for it. The chances a stringer will marry are very slim; he is simply not the marrying kind.”

Some Men are Bachelor’s for Life

  • If you are dating a man in his late forties, it is likely that he will never get married. It is a much better idea to date a man in that age range who has been widowed or divorced, than to marry an older man who has never gotten married.
  • “Once men reach age forty-seven to fifty without marrying, the chances they will marry do not disappear but they drop dramatically.” (10)

Many Men Hate Women

  • Finally, there is a special group of men to avoid—those that think that the majority of women are gold-digging whores. These men distrust women, and think that there are no benefits to getting married (never mind that marriage is the best way to provide a stable home for children or that very few cohabiting relationships tend to last more than a few years).
  • Many men look at women and marriage as poor financial investments. “The irony is that many of the men who spoke this way really didn’t have all that much anyway…If a man talks of marriage as a financial game in which women are out to make their fortunes, don’t just walk away—run! Such men are hardly ever going to be the marrying kind.”

Other Points to Remember

  • Think long and hard about dating someone whose parents had a tumultuous marriage or divorce. Not everyone who has experienced family issues at home are damaged goods obviously, but you should pay attention to how he feels about marriage and divorce.
  • See if he has friends who have are married. If all of his friends are living the single life, he probably will not want to get married yet.
  • Check to see if you have the same values. “Men often marry women whose backgrounds—religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status—match theirs. “Are you both from the same socioeconomic class? Do you belong to the same religion?
  • See if he lives alone because men who live as independent adults are more likely to marry.

Have you ever wasted time on the wrong guy? Talk about it below!

 

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One Date A Week: Bored and Fidgety

One Date a Week

Last year, I swallowed the Red Pill and decided to do all that I could to become a much more feminine and attractive woman. As part of my commitment to reinvent myself, I swore that I would make dating a bigger priority in my life. These are my Red Pill Dating Diaries.

I met a guy on OkCupid, a few weeks after I moved to San Francisco. He was a Ginger guy in his mid-twenties with average build and height. I was impressed that he earned both his bachelors and master’s degrees in software engineering from U.C. Berkeley, a prestigious school in Northern California. We chatted via text or some time before he asked me out to meet up. We met up at a bar for drinks. I now know, after months of dating, that meeting up for drinks is a bad first date idea.

Movie theater. Photo by Thomas Hawk via Flickr.
Movie theater. Photo by Thomas Hawk via Flickr.

What was remarkable about this date was how little we spoke to one another. We didn’t talk much before meeting up, maybe six or seven chats in the OkCupid app, then five to six text messages to go over logistics about meeting up in person. Once we met up, we talked in a bar for maybe 20 minutes before I mentioned that I really wanted to see a new action movie. We headed over to the movie theaters down the street to see the film. While we walked to the theater, he joked, “We could also watch the movie over my house if you want.” I exclaimed “Absolutely not!” We both laughed, but I think we both knew what we were actually discussing beneath the humor. He implicitly asked me to go to his house to have sex with him, and I thought the idea of doing that was ridiculous. I laughed it off, but I knew this date was not going to anywhere. I’m pretty confident he felt the same.

We went to see the action movie in an frigid and empty movie theater downtown. He made it painfully obvious that he didn’t care for the film because he fidgeted and squirmed throughout the entire movie. His sighs went from passive puffs of air to full-bodied vocal exhalations. Once the movie ended, it was clear he wanted nothing to do but to leave the theater. I thought it was a great movie. We split an Uber back to our respective homes. In the car, I thanked him for a great night. I never spoke to him again.

I learned a few things from this date. First, do not meet up blindly with people that you think are cute on an online dating website. Do you two have anything in common? Going on an online date is almost the same as picking a name randomly out of the Yellow Pages—you have no idea what you’re going to get. Spend some time chatting with them to get a sense of why they are interested in dating. Second, take the time to call your dates before you meet up with them to get a feel for whether you enjoy conversing with them.

Have you ever had a boring date? How did you get out of it? Tell your story below!

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One Date A Week: Too Fast for Sex?

Photo by David Yu via Flickr
Photo by David Yu via Flickr

Last year, I swallowed the Red Pill and decided to do all that I could to become a much more feminine and attractive woman. As part of my commitment to reinvent myself, I swore that I would make dating a bigger priority in my life. These are my Red Pill Dating Diaries.

A cute guy reached out to me one day via the dating app POF, Plenty of Fish. We chatted for some time and decided to meet at a bar near his house for drinks. This was maybe my third online date, so I wasn’t well-versed yet in dating to know that it is a bad idea to meet a date at a bar. If a man suggests meeting at a bar for drinks, he usually wants the date to lead to sex as quickly as possible. [Here’s another fact: If a man or woman suggests meeting for coffee for a first date, they have completely lost all hope for romance and spontaneity. Their own personal expectations for love is at the lowest level it will ever be.]

So we met at a bar, and I was surprised at how short he was in real life. He was a Russian software developer who worked for a global consumer business. I like Russian men, so I wanted to get to know him. We ordered drinks, but I barely touched my drink since I despise the taste of alcohol. Also, I do not want to get murdered or raped, so I always refrain from drinking around strangers. Because of limited seating space, we sat shoulder to shoulder, and I think this lead to us both feeling this faux-feeling of closeness. We laughed and joked for three hours, then made plans at the end of the night to see each other again.

We went on a second date that involved sightseeing around the city. At the end of the night, he mentioned that he left something at his home. We went back to his house to retrieve his item, and he instantly tried to kiss me. Then he tried to take off my clothes. I pushed back and explained that we were moving too fast, and I was uncomfortable being at his place on the second date. We left his house immediately after that, but I could tell that he was slightly annoyed with me.

We went on a few more dinner dates over the next few weeks, but he continued to probe me about sleeping with him. Time and time again, our conversations kept comping back to the fact that I was too “restrictive” or “rigid” about my sexual expectations. At first, I thought he was just being a man, and trying to push for sex. But then I realized that he was visibly annoyed that I would not sleep with him within the first month of dating him.

Then he disappeared suddenly for two weeks. After that period, he later texted me to tell me he was not interested in dating me any longer. In those two weeks of silence, I had time to think about the conversations that I had with him and reread through our text messages. It became painfully obvious that he was only looking for sex from the beginning, but was begrudgingly going along with my desire to wait for sex. It was a great thing that he disappeared from the planet, because I had no choice but to realize that he was not really into dating me.

I learned a few things from this experience. First, it is never a great idea to tell a man directly how long you will wait to have sex with them. Do not give out time estimates or parameters about when you will specifically have sex. For example, never say that you have a “Three Month Rule.” Instead, it is better to say that you like them, but that you need more time before you feel ready to have sex. Just say that you need a little more time to get to know them.

Second, I learned that people have different expectations for sex, and it’s okay to walk away from the the dating relationship once you realize that you’re not going to meet another person’s sex expectations. If a man expects to have sex with a woman on the second or third date, then he is not going to wait patiently two or three months to have sex with a woman. Similarly, a woman who wants to wait three months to have sex with a man is probably not going to have the same moral values as a person who has sex with others on the first date. As Red Pill Women, we have to stay strong in our convictions about abstaining from casual, meaningless sex. We will not be frivolous with our bodies or our health.

By the end of the experience, I realized that we were just on two separate pages. And I was glad that I did not get too attached to a man who was capable of disappearing on me for a full two weeks.

Have you ever struggled to tell a man NO to having sex? Tell your story below!

 

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One Date a Week: My Red Pill Diaries

One Date a Week

Last New Years Eve, I made a promise to myself that I would take dating seriously in the year 2016, the year when I turned 28 years old. I knew that a great partner was not going to stroll into my life, so I would need to find the right partner for me. My demands were simple: I wanted to find a stable, attractive, intelligent and traditional man to marry. When I say “traditional,” I meant that I am looking for a man who openly acknowledges traditional gender roles and who wants his wife to take care of cooking and cleaning the home while he takes care of providing for his family.

Photo by David Yu via Flickr
Photo by David Yu via Flickr

In short, I was looking for a Red Pill man. But the question remained: Was I a Red Pill Woman? I knew that after years of reading writings from the Manosphere, I had to make significant changes in my life to attract and keep the right man.

Singles graph
Singles graph

I also knew that at 28 years old, time was my enemy. I spent too many years of my youth with a man who had no plans to marry me, and I hated that I allowed myself to waste so much time on the wrong person. So I decided to start anew by putting the odds in my favor and moving to a new location within the U.S. with a high number of single men.

I also made the commitment to find ways to embrace my femininity by learning how to cook and taking salsa dancing lessons. Finally, I quit my masculine high-stress job to pursue a new caretaker career in the medical field. By taking my career off of a high pedestal, I found that I had more time to pursue other ventures, like learning how to sew or study more effectively.

When I jumped in the dating world, I did what most people my age do when they want to find that special person: I opened an online dating account. Then, I opened a few more. And then I went on a few first dates. Err, then I went on nearly 25 first dates in a year. I met some of the men during my day-to-day commute, but I met most of them via online dating apps.

Each date was unique in its own way. From this point forward, I will journal my dating experiences on Ladies Again. Hopefully, you will all learn from my chaotic, exciting, and sometimes emotionally-draining dating experiences.

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Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

PhotobyPexels_person-sunglasses-woman-smartphone

If you’re dating, it’s normal for you to feel that you might not be emotionally or sexually compatible with your date. It’s quite another thing for you to feel so repulsed by your date that you never want to speak to them again, even just to give them the courtesy of telling them that you do not want to go out on a second date. When a guy does not call, text or email you after a date, it is usually because something happened during the date that turned him off completely (of course, the reversal also happens when you don’t feel like calling the guy after a date). What would make a guy choose to run for the hills after meeting you? That is the question dating coach Rachel Greenwald asks in her book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date.” In the book, Greenwald reveals the insights gained from interviewing 1,000 single men about why they did not call back after a date.

BookThe book shares honest and raw feedback from men who complained about everything from messy eaters to loquacious talkers to neurotic planners. What is interesting about the book is that the majority of the men admitted to dismissing women for very clear and consistent reasons. Some dismissal reasons were obvious, but others were easy to miss. We all know that men do not like bossy and men women (those were the top two reasons to dismiss a woman), but it is less known that men are intimidated by pampered princesses or that they hate cynical women.

Greenwald personified all of the male date-breakers into what she calls “dating stereotypes.” The Boss Lady is the number cited reason for a no-callback, and The Blahs comes in at a close second. Out of the 4,152 dates described by men in Greenwald’s survey, here are the top 11 reasons why men aren’t calling women back after a first date (listed in order of mentions):

  1. She is bossy and unfeminine (NUMBER ONE REASON)
  2. She is boring or not as interesting as her online persona
  3. She lied about her appearance or attitude in some way
  4. She is rich or spoiled
  5. She wants to know where things are going…way too soon
  6. She reveals too much personal information too quickly
  7. She is mean, uncaring or self-centered
  8. She is cynical or hypercritical
  9. She mentions her ex
  10. She talks way too much
  11. She takes the lead too much

*Honorable mention: Many men interviewed said that it’s a turnoff if the relationship moves to physical intimacy too soon. In fact, some say casual sex is temporarily fun and easy, yet boring. One man said “It’s like doing halfies–the body without the heart.” He says the cuddling, if there is any, is fake.

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Photo by Pexels

Greenwald asks readers to recognize themselves in the character stereotypes, and work on ways to appear less irritating to their dates. For instance, women who tend to be dominating and bossy on their dates could benefit by finding ways to show their nurturing side on their dates. Also, women who tend to be highly conscientious or aggressive at work could benefit from relaxing on their dates and refraining from asking probing questions about the future (i.e., never ask a man on a first date if he plans to get married or have a family).

I highly recommend the book, as it helped me learn that I can be too aggressive on my dates by asking my dates about their intentions for the future. Asking too soon about a man’s intentions or hopes for the future can squash any spontaneity or excitement from the date. Asking about a man’s intentions also does not seem to be a very effective way to find the information that you’re seeking. Anyone can lie and say that they are looking for a relationship when they actually want a hookup; likewise, a person can say that they looking for a hookup but could still be open to being in a long-term relationship with the right woman. It’s best to pay attention to a man’s actions to determine whether he is interested in getting more than sex from you.

Which date-breaker rules are you violating? To get the precise answer, Greenwald recommends having a friend, coach or counselor conduct an exit interview with a person who did not call you back after a date. She says that exit interviews can provide insight into negative patterns that you may be making on your dates. She includes an Exit Interview script in her book that is very informative.

Are you willing to have a friend call a person that you once dated to find out what went wrong? Share in the comments below!

Read more: Ladies Shut Their Mouths

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The Bachelor: Cooking Skills Matter

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Can you cook? That is the major question hovering over this week’s episode of The Bachelor. As with every episode, there’s plenty of material for romance and dating junkies to dissect, review, learn and reject. Today, we bring you the hits, misses and red flags from the most recent episode.

What Happened

In terms of action or drama, this episode was pretty bland. Ben takes the women to Mexico City for an adventurous trip. He takes one solo woman along a tour of the historical ruins and goes on another one-on-one date with another woman at a fashion show. He liked and kissed both women. Next he takes a large group of women on a group date, where they learn conversational Spanish and later compete in a cooking challenge. One woman is escorted out and eliminated unceremoniously for having a bad attitude.

Learning Lessons

Cooking Skills Seal the Deal: In the group date, the women who knew how to cook won the date with the guy. It seems like the The Bachelor is imitating real life right there. We’re working on getting better with cooking at Ladies Again.

Unlady-like Mistakes

Don’t Show Your Grumpy Side: There is a point on the group date where it is clear that one woman, named Jubilee, has had it with group-dating the Bachelor. And she’s right, it is strange to have multiple women date, kiss and snuggle with the same man day after day. But, it is a strange situation that she signed up for willing, so there is no reason to pout and be negative on The Bachelor since she agreed to participate in the dating arrangement. Instead, she should have left the show gracefully like a lady if she was unhappy. Real ladies maintain their composure in the face of adversity.

Leave the Ex-boyfriend Talk Alone: One woman on a date discussed her rocky past with an ex-boyfriend. She mentioned that her ex-boyfriend cheated on her multiple times. Why would she share this information on a date? No good could come from discussing a former spouse with someone you just met, especially not a former spouse who cheated on you. Doing so lowers your mating market value because you are admitting that someone else thought so poorly of you that they cheated on you multiple times. Leave this conversation for your therapist, not your boyfriend.

Read more: Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

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