The Bachelor: Attack of the Insecure

THE BACHELOR

I think ABC executives should just change the name of the show The Bachelor to The Kisser. Why? It’s clear that the star bachelor Ben Higgins fancies kissing because he does a lot of it with the lady contestants! This may be the first season of The Bachelor where I’ve seen a man make out with several women in a short time span. As with every episode, there’s plenty of material for romance and dating junkies to dissect, review, learn and reject. Today, we bring you the hits, misses and red flags from the most recent episode.

What Happened

The episode starts with Higgins going on a private date with one contestant. He kisses her while the others watch from from a hotel room above; one woman cries when she sees Higgins kiss the other woman. Then the bachelor takes his harem of women to Las Vegas, where they have to show off their personal talents to a studio audience. One woman, named Olivia, does not have a talent and decides to wear a skimpy Vegas outfit and jump out of a cake. She goes through great pains to coordinate the cake logistics and put on her revealing outfit, but does not take any time to plan what she will do after she burst out of the cake. Instead, she stands there naked on the stage and kicks her legs haphazardly. It was awkward.

The cast of The Bachelor
The cast of The Bachelor.

Next, Higgins and a lady contestant serve as an ordained minister at a wedding chapel in Vegas for couples who have made the hasty and impulsive decision to get married at a cheesy chapel in Vegas by reality TV show stars (the state of Nevada, by the way, has the highest divorce rate in the U.S.). Higgins asks the lady contestant what’s it is like to an adult virgin and they later kiss passionately.

This season of The Bachelor is unique in that there is a set of twins on the show. How cute—incestuous twins dating and kissing the same guy! Actually, it’s not cute. Things got weird when he went to the twins’s home in Vegas and met their mother, who tried to help Higgins pick which one of her daughter’s that he wanted to continue dating. Weird. He eliminated one twin while she was sitting in her living room.

Learning Lessons

No Role Models: None of the women exhibited exemplary classy behavior this week folks.

Unlady-like Mistakes

Insecurity is not Sexy: Olivia made a fool of herself, then apologized for making a fool of herself. Then she apologized again. Then she cried on camera. Then she apologized again. Then, the next day, she gave Higgins a slice of cheesecake to apologize. If you make a mistake, own up to it, but not that much. She only needed to apologize once. Being too apologetic made her look insecure, weak and fragile. She should have laughed off her mistake, then keep it moving.

Forget About Your Ex-boyfriend: Things got pretty strange with the twins when Higgins went to one of the twins’s room and saw that it was decorated with several pictures of her ex-boyfriend. Always destroy all evidence of your ex-boyfriend. God help you if you’re divorced. Otherwise, your new beau will feel like he is competing with the person you used to date. No one wants to feel second-best, so get rid of all photos and memorabilia from the days your were with your ex-boyfriend.

Learn How to Walk in Heels: When one contestant, named Amber, was eliminated from the show, she took off her heels and walked away from the rose ceremony barefoot. I HATE seeing women who either cannot walk in high heeled shoes or choose to walk down the goddamn street barefoot. A few rules: First, if you cannot walk in high heels gracefully, do not wear heels. Second, if you want to learn how to walk in heels, start with low-heeled shoes first. Finally, choose to wear thick wedge shoes lieu of spiky stilettos, since the wedge shoes will give you more foot support. Learn more about walking in heels with our article “Science Shows: High Heels do not Oppress Women, They Make Us Awesome!”

Read more: Did You Take the Ladies Again Heel Pledge?

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The Bachelor Review: Unnecessary Drama

The Bachelor Review image

This week’s episode of the The Bachelor, is full of drama, but not in a good way. As with every episode, there’s plenty of material for romance and dating junkies to dissect, review, learn and reject. Today, we bring you the hits, misses and red flags from the most recent episode.

What Happened

This week’s episode was full of drama between the women, and not a whole lot of romance with the leading bachelor. The episode starts with Bachelor Ben Higgins taking one woman on a private helicopter ride around the Los Angeles area. He takes her to a hot tub that magically appears outside in a deserted field. They kiss. He then goes on a group date with many women who play an intense game of team soccer. One group wins and he goes on a date with them as a group. The group date ended with all of the women gathering to gossip about another lady contestant’s feet and breath. Higgins ends the episode by going on a private date with one woman, who happens to be a war veteran. They have what’s looks like an awkward and overly emotional date, where she cries about being adopted. The woman left at the house don’t all of the attention that the veteran contestant receives from the bachelor, so they conspire to confront her. The veteran avoids the confrontation and cries with Higgins instead.

There was a lot of crying and outbursts in this episode, so I ended up fast-forwarding through much of it. I enjoy watching the show for all of the accidental social commentary on dating and relationships, but sometimes the producers at ABC take the trivial drama too far. Why must so many women cry in every episode because they didn’t have enough quality time with the bachelor? Obviously, as a viewer, I understand that many of the women are exaggerating their emotions and putting on an act for the cameras. Every scene does not need to be this melodramatic tear-fest.

Learning Lessons

Owning Your Flaws: Olivia, the most competitive contestant, managed to steal Higgins away this episode, which made several other contestants jealous. They acted on their envy by gossiping about her feet, breast size and breath. When Olivia heard about the gossip, she shrugged it off and told the camera deadpanned “I have horrible feet, I know it.” She owned her faults, and kept things moving. I respect her ability to move on from the petty gossip.

Comforting Your Spouse in Need: Toward the end of the episode, Higgins revealed that a relative passed away. Olivia used the opportunity to ignore his issues and talk to Higgins about her cankles. This was an insensitive thing to do. Jubilee, on the other hand, reached out to Higgins and asked how she could comfort him. She ended up giving him a back massage, which he enjoyed. Jubilee gets points for finding a way to make her spouse feel better during hard times, something that all caring women should do.

Knowing When to Walk Away: Lace, the insecure contestant, quit the show. This was a good decision because she was coming across as needy, jealous and desperate on camera. Higgins did not seem to look sad when Lace said that she was leaving, so she made a good choice. Lace’s situation is one that I think every single person can relate to―you cannot make someone like you, no matter how hard you try to force it. If someone is not returning your phone calls, taking the initiative to text you or even desiring to be seen with you in public, please understand that they do not like you as much as you like them. Walk away.

Unlady-like Mistakes

Being Bitter: Jami leaves the show and says that she feels silly for believing that another person could love her. She ranted in her exiting confessional about how much men have disappointed her and that all people are disappointing. Why would anyone want to date someone that is bitter to that level about love and dating?

Chewing with Your Mouth Open: On three occasions in the episode, Jubilee was caught practicing poor dinner etiquette. She literally spit out caviar on a date and latter stuffed her mouth with crackers. Later in the episode, she was talking to a group of women and had so much food in her mouth that she had to grip the table while she swallowed. Always remember to take smaller bites, especially when you are eating around other people. She could benefit from taking an etiquette class or reviewing basic dinner etiquette pointers.

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The Bachelor Review: High School Lessons

The cast of The Bachelor

Can you use science to find out if you’re compatible with another person? That’s the question raised this week in the latest episode of ABC’s The Bachelor. As with every episode, there’s plenty of material for romance and dating junkies to dissect, review, learn and reject. We bring you the hits, misses and red flags from the most recent episode.

The Bachelor Review imageWhat Happened

In this week’s episode, Bachelor Ben Higgins brought one group of the lady contestants to a high school aptly named “Bachelor High” to gauge their ability to conduct a science experiment that will “make Ben’s heart explode.” Some women worked better together in teams than others, and it showed dearly. One woman who lost a competition said that she would not murder her partner, but instead find a way for her to “tactfully disappear.” ABC really ran out of ideas for this episode, because not all of the games fit with the high school theme. Sure, there is a challenge where the women have a geography quiz and another where they run track, but why was there a game where they bob for apples? I don’t remember bobbing for apples in high school.

Lace from the Bachelor
Lace from the Bachelor

After the high school competition, the women all go on a group date with Higgins. During the date, one contestant named Lace decides she needs to get time with Higgins. They meet and there is no chemistry. It is uncomfortable to watch. Later, she pulls him aside when he is meeting with another woman to say that she’s not crazy, but she needs more time with him. It’s probably not a good idea on a first date to preface a conversation with a man you like by saying “Yeah, I’m not crazy but…[INSERT ANYTHING HERE].” This woman Lace is most certainly crazy.

The Bachelor may be fake and scripted in a lot of ways, but certainly not in all ways. The Bachelor is true to form in highlighting the awkward and uncomfortable nature of dating. This is evident when Higgins goes on a private date with bubbly Kayla and realizes they have nothing to talk about on their date. For whatever reason, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube join them on their date, and the two daters end up asking each other about their favorite colors in front of the celebrities. Higgins and his date go on to continue their date in a hot tub.

Later, in a separate group challenge, a second group of women goes to a science center to test their attraction and compatibility with Higgins using pseudoscientific pheromone testing. Higgins says that one woman smells “sour.” Yikes.

Learning Lessons

Photo of Olivia with Ben
Olivia with Ben

Feminine Role Model: Olivia, one of the most feminine women on the show, makes a clear connection with Higgins for the second week in a row. Her makeup is moderately applied and she is very flirty, yet not overly sexual. She laughs often and knows how to be playful with men. Best of all, she comes close enough to kiss him, but waits on him to make the final move. She knows what she is doing with Higgins, and she makes the other lady contestants nervous. In fact, they confronted her in the episode because they say it seems like “Olivia versus the rest of the house.” I predict that Olivia will go far, but will continue to piss off other lady contestants.

Being Cute, But Not Too Sexual: During the hot tub date, Kayla chose to keep things rated PG. Back in my younger days, I would have made a move to at least sit on one of Higgins’ legs in the hot tub, but Kayla refrained from that behavior. Good for her. On the down side, another contestant this episode made things Rated NC17 when she got on her knees to bobble for apples. I would not have done that on any date. Let’s keep it classy ladies.

Unlady-like Mistakes

Being Needy and Insecure: Lace is one of the saddest girls I have ever seen on The Bachelor. She constantly pulls Higgins away from talking to other women to chastise him for not paying enough attention to her. Then when they are together and alone, she dominates the conversation by talking over him, then tries to force an emotional connection with him by discussing parts of her past.

Lace comes off insecure, needy and irrational and she knows it. Higgins unfortunately also knows it, and I’m sure he keeps her around on the show for the ratings boost. Ladies, don’t be clingy with a man, and don’t try to force an emotional connection to happen. Most importantly, make sure to get a grip of your emotions―your man doesn’t need to hear about every little transgression that is bothering you. Instead, when you are feeling uptight, try talking to your girlfriends about the little things.

Being Too Forthcoming About Your Past: As we’ve discussed before, real ladies shut their mouths. Why is Kayla and Lace talking about past relationships on their dates? Kayla talked about being hurt by men twice(!) on her date with Higgins, and without any prompting from him. Never tell a man (or anyone!) about how much people have abused you in the past because you also end up telling them how you allowed people to being so disrespectful to you.

Big Mouth Girl: I like Olivia’s feminine style and grace, but she has to cool it with the giant whale mouth thing because it’s not cute. Close your mouth girl.

olivia-mouth-600x329

 

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36 Ways to Make Anyone Fall in Love

Drawing of heart.

Love is an action, not an accident. Or, so that’s what psychologist Arthur Aron found 20 years ago when he figured out a way to make two people fall in love in his study “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness” (pdf). In the study, two complete strangers walked into a lab, asked each other a series of questions and fell in love. The questions asked forced the participants to expose their own vulnerabilities, creating a sense of impromptu closeness. A key part of the study was the eye contact–participants held their gaze between asking questions for 2-4 minutes at a time.

The study should be reviewed by individuals in the dating market. You too can create your own love experiment by using questions from the same study. The questions increase in difficulty, making one more probing than the next. Remember to hold your gaze when asking the questions! I’ve shared them below for your own love trials:

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last
60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would
you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you
are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five
items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other
people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important
for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not
say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most
regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you
have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask
your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Read more: How to Get Divorced in 10 Easy Steps: “Dear Future Husband” Review

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The Bachelor Review: Ladylike Behavior

The Bachelor Review image

The Bachelor is back. How exciting! You may ask, how can feminine explorers at Ladies Again watch a show where young women compete and drool over one guy? Because we like to think about all things related to dating and relationships. The Bachelor also provides a great deal of accidental social commentary. With each episode, The Bachelor holds up a mirror to all of the confusion and bewilderment facing today’s generation of young people trying to navigate the murky waters of the mating market. There’s plenty of material for romance and dating junkies to dissect, review, learn and reject. Today, we bring you the hits, misses and red flags from the most recent episode.

What Happened

Photo of Ben Higgins
Ben Higgins

This year’s Bachelor is named Ben Higgins, and he’s a tall and dark-haired software salesman from Warsaw, Indiana. He’s very handsome, much more so than last year’s country-boy bachelor. And yet, Higgins has a boy next door charm about him, but at the same time sort of gives off naughty frat-boy vibes. I’m positive that he is just an aspiring actor just like everyone else in reality television, but this season should be entertaining otherwise.

The women seem to be quirkier than usual. One contestant brought a pony to the opening ceremony; another showed up dressed in a pajama one-piece. Another nutritionist brought bread for Higgins to break and destroy. Ugh. There were a few additional minority women this season than what is typical–there is even three black women this season! Perhaps the ABC producers are heeding to public outcries about the lack of diversity on the show.

Unlady-like Mistakes

Being Too Forward: I’ve never seen a situation where a contestant asked directly for a kiss and everything went well. In my experience, it is usually best to wait for the guy to make a first move. Lace is a contestant who did not wait for Higgins to make the first move and try to kiss her, so she asked for a kiss directly and then experienced rejection when Higgins told her he felt they were moving too fast. Later she asks him “Did you even notice me, do you know my name? Hello?!” Yeah, not a good way to be feminine.

Read more: Ladies Shut Their Mouths

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Why is it so Hard to Keep the Weight Off?

Healthy people are more sought after and valuable in the dating market, which puts a lot of pressure on single people to maintain a healthy weight. Logically, this pressure is understandable. People want to date individuals who can live long healthy lives and produce healthy children. In spite of all of the pressure to lose weight, many people struggle to maintain a healthy weight after significant weight loss. According to one study, ninety percent of people who lose a significant amount of weight gain it back eventually. Why is that? New evidence shows that weight gain cannot simply be attributed to bad genes or poor eating habits returning to the surface. Researchers have found that weight gain is caused by something much more sinister.

The body’s ability to maintain its stability is called homeostasis. When a person gains weight, the body accepts the new weight as its stable level. One hormone, called leptin, tells the brain how much body fat is present. When a person loses weight, leptin falls, appetite increases and metabolism slows. Thus, the hormone tells the brain that it does not have enough fat to maintain stability. Additionally, the hormone ghrelin, make dieters’ appetites stronger. Researchers at the University of Melbourne found that the body actually resists weight loss.

One researcher, Dr. Leibel told the New York Times, that losing weight “is not a neutral event,” and that it is no accident that more than 90 percent of people who lose a lot of weight gain it back. “You are putting your body into a circumstance it will resist. You are, in a sense, more metabolically normal when you are at a higher body weight.”

It is a sad reality that weight loss dieters have to work harder to maintain a healthy body weight, and the desire to eat more and work out less is something that will never go away. Although it is is a sad reality, the truth is that overweight and obese individuals will have to work against that force if they want to leave long and healthy lives. Excess weight impacts a person’s job prospects, dating options, economic stability and overall lifespan. Weight loss is a tough battle, but it is worth the hassle. You can do this and lose the weight because the costs are too high to ignore.

Watch doctors and scientists discuss homeostasis challenges in overweight individuals.

Read Next: The Only Effective Way to Lose Weight

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How to Get Divorced in 10 Easy Steps: “Dear Future Husband” Review

The "Dear Future Husband" music video by Meghan Tanner.
getty image via dailymail.co.uk
getty image via dailymail.co.uk

Have you ever had a song that you hate stuck in your head because the beat was so catchy? And did you hate the song so much that you wanted to bang your head against the wall for it being stuck in there? That’s how I feel about Meghan Trainor’s hit song “Dear Future Husband.” The song’s video currently has over 164 million views on YouTube, which means that people actually like it, and are listening to it over and over again. I have even seeing young teen and pre-teen girls doing covers of the song like in this disturbing video.

The problem with this song is that it is slow poison. It is deception wrapped in a catchy jingle.

Women all over the world are singing this song in preparation for their divorces, and in this article I intend to demonstrate the process called “how to get yourself divorced in 10 easy steps” as demonstrated through the lyrics of Meghan Trainor’s “Dear Future Husband” song.

STEP 1. Be demanding.

“Take me on a date. I deserve it, babe.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

If you want to get yourself divorced, you need to learn the fine art of being demanding and entitled. Be as bratty as possible. Men won’t be able to resist filing divorce papers.

STEP 2. Be bossy.

“And don’t forget the flowers every anniversary.” – Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men love to get rid of women who are picky about how affection is shown to them. It’s great for undermining their ego, and making them feel emasculated. A woman can really bust a man’s balls by not acknowledging that every man has his own “love language” and needs space to express himself the way only he can (as all humans do).

STEP 3. Set unrealistic expectations.

“Cuz if you treat me right. I’ll be the perfect wife.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

One of the best way to get your man in the courtroom is to set unrealistic expectation, both for him and for yourself. It’s bad enough when battered women with low self-esteem think they need to be perfect to deserve to be treated right, but when a man feels he needs to meet unclear and unattainable expectations to be loved, he gets butterflies in his stomach just thinking of getting away from you.

Advertisement: CLICK HERE TO DISCOVER THE MIRACLE THAT WILL SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!

STEP 4. Set low standards for yourself.

“I’ll be the perfect wife. Buying groceries…buying what you need.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men love getting rid of annoying women who want credit for doing what they are supposed to do. When you think you’re hot stuff, because of the mundane things you do like washing dishes, cooking a meal and of course “buy-buying groceries,” men get tickled pink with the idea of kicking you to the curb! They don’t want you to put in the effort to actually keep the home together and be an equal partner. Why would they? It might just give them enough sympathy to keep you around, and nobody wants that!

STEP 5. Make excuses.

“You got that 9 to 5. But baby, so do I. So don’t be thinking I’ll be home and baking apple pies. I never learned to cook, but I can write a hook. Sing along with me…” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

If you want your man to go running for the hills, give him every reason in the book why you cannot carry your weight in the relationship. Tell him about how hard it is to be you, while ignoring the problems he might be facing. Make every situation about yourself, and put forth no effort to consider your short-comings as things that may need to be addressed. He’ll practically pee his pants in excitement at the thought of getting rid of you!

STEP 6. Use sex to manipulate him.

“Dear future husband, if you want to get that special lovin, tell me I’m beautiful each and every night…

After every fight, just apologize, and maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right…

Open doors for me and you might get some (implies fellatio)…” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

The future divorcee anthem is so on point with this one. Using sex as a weapon is definitely the icing on the cake that sends a man running to a lawyer (or into the arms of another woman). Listen to her, ladies! She definitely has the secret to being a lonely cat lady spelled out here.

STEP 7. Kill compassion. Never compromise, or admit fault.

“After every fight, just apologize…Even if I’m wrong. (Laughs) You know I’m never wrong. Why disagree?” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

No man wants to delete a woman from his life who apologizes for her mistakes and makes him feel special. Why would he? Don’t you think he likes feeling good about himself? Come on, sister! You have to be an obnoxiously power-hungry, prideful woman if you want to die alone.

STEP 8. Be needy.

“Make time for me. Don’t leave me lonely.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Yes! Or as the young people say, “yaaaassss”! The age old neediness trick gets them every time. You will know it is working when he stops coming home at night, and prefers to spend time with his friends instead of you. Do not get your own life. Bug him into submission to the judge to give you the divorce. It won’t be hard once you have employed this simple trick.

STEP 9. Be as selfish as possible.

“And know we’ll never see your family more than mine.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

His needs are not important when you are trying to get yourself divorced. What you need is the fortitude to stand strong in your demands especially, what Ms. Trainor has suggested here, forcing him to spend more time with people he does not know and sacrifice his desired quality time with the people who raised him. Hat’s off to you, Meghan. You are a role model!

STEP 10. Be in denial and insist he does the same.

“You gotta know how to treat me like a lady. Even when I’m acting crazy, tell me everything’s alright.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men hate staying with women who have a good sense of reality. So, stop acting like a lady, but still demand to be treated like one. That’s the only way you’ll get that divorce you so desperately deserve! Behave like a lunatic, and then pretend everything is OK. Do not settle disputes rationally, it doesn’t work. The only thing that will get you your singleness back is utter lunacy. God speed, ladies.

The title of the song should not be “Dear Future Husband”, but “Dear Future Exes.” The hook should be:

 

“Dear Future Exes

Here’s a few phrases you should know

If you want to be someone’s divorcee

Not a wife”

 

Now, although this article was written tongue in cheek, it definitely rings true in my opinion. I think women should take this article very seriously, and moreover, take seriously the type of media you  expose yourself and your daughters to. Many women who grow up listening to things like this end alone and bitter well past their prime and wonder where they went wrong. This is a cautionary tale. Heed it wisely. Men deserve to be treated with the same respect you do.

I have a series that I have been doing on this blog entitled ” Feminine or Not” where I assess whether various pop culture staples targeted to women are actually feminine. I would put Meghan Tanner’s song in the category of Not Feminine. In my opinion, no woman should listen to this song. No woman should sing this song. This song should never have been written. This song needs to die. I will be happy when this song’s 15 minutes of fame are over. Sorry, Ms. Tanner, and dear future musicians, please don’t do this anymore. Thanks.

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How You Can Avoid Dating Fatigue and Find Quality Men

couple-love-water-summer. Pexels image
couple-love-water-summer. Pexels image
Photo by Pexels.

Earlier, in a previous article, I celebrated the fact that San Francisco is overflowing with single, educated and wealthy eligible bachelors. I may have spoken too soon. Since I moved to the Bay Area a few months ago, I have met more flaky, unreliable and beta men than I can count. Sure, there is a large quantity of single men in California, but there seems to also be a shortage of masculine and relationship-minded men in the area. It’s a little too easy to find drunk tech bros who are looking for easy sex. So how is a single, traditional woman going to find a stable traditional man in the land of work-obsessed passive men?

To get help in the dating arena, I reached out to a dating and relationship expert at PracticalHappiness.com. In the interview below, one dating coach teaches women how to find quality men, increase their femininity and find success with online dating:

How did you become a dating coach?

I was inspired by dealing with my own challenges. I was a virgin until 21 and had to overcome just about every insecurity and dating issue―from bad acne and a fear of approaching girls to being controlling, jealous and possessive. I was eager to share my discoveries of what I found to be effective vs. useless as far as dating advice goes after reading so many books, attending so many seminars, watching and listening to so many programs and also reflecting on my own experiences. I offer free articles, videos, small fee-audio programs and books, dating coaching by phone and in person, dating profile review and editing, as well as my favorite―being (undercover) present during first dates and critiquing them later.

Today’s dating marketplace can be frustrating for traditionally-minded women, i.e. those women who prefer to be in long-term loving relationships as opposed to hooking up with strangers and prefer to date masculine stable men, as opposed to feminine ones. What can traditional women do to attract men who share their traditional values?

I think the most important thing women can do to attract traditional men is to develop and showcase their traditional qualities and behavior―not to be too aggressive or too “independent.” Confidence is good, but too much confidence can be off-putting and much worse than any insecurity. A woman who sounds like a CNN anchor is hardly a turn-on to a traditional guy. In addition, knowing how to cook, and not talking about work and career all the time can be quite helpful too.

Where should women go to meet those men? What kind of qualities should women look for in potential suitors?

I believe that these type of men are more likely to be found in churches/synagogues, as well as personal growth seminars and lectures, and graduate classes. Live theater is also great. Some women assume that only ultra-religious guys go to churches, but that’s not the case. I have gone a few times out of curiosity and was really surprised by the very friendly and open vibe that many such events have. These types of places not only attract more of the “right” men but they also likely to not attract the less serious kind who usually lean more toward happy hour drinking, baseball watching, etc…

Most women today limit their social outings to overpriced restaurants, and as we all know, nothing really happens there besides a few careful glances here and there. There is no opportunity or a meaningful reason for interaction, let alone connection.

What can women do to better showcase their femininity while dating? How can they increase their level of femininity on a daily basis?

On a daily basis women should avoid bragging or sounding too full of themselves. They should avoid being overdressed or using too much make up, and they should also avoid the other extreme―tattoos, piercings, sloppy hair. You don’t need to look like a runway model, but you also don’t need to look like a Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. Softening a voice is very helpful too. Working out is great, but looking over-the-top athletic like GI Jane is also not feminine. Most of us guys do not like to see triceps and six- packs on a woman.

When dating, women should show they guy that they like when he is taking charge and making the small decisions for them (where to go out, what to order, etc…). Little things like fixing a guy’s collar, asking him what he would like to eat, and showing him that you enjoy pleasing him is very effective.

A lot of women are participating in online dating to meet men. How can women date effectively online? How can women enhance their online profiles?

Women should do two things when it comes to online dating:

(1) Make your profile stand out by removing all the clichés statements such as: “I like to play hard and work hard,” lose any type bragging about how accomplished and successful you are, and not sound too over-the-top happy and positive to the point of being unrealistic and non-genuine. When it comes to photos, lose all the skydiving, rock-climbing, snowboarding and yoga pose photos. There are just too many of them. A boring office photo in a flattering, fitting business outfit might just be refreshing considering what all the other women post. Remember, you want the attention to be on you; not on the Grand Canyon or Eiffel Tower behind you.

(2) Talk with a guy on the phone first before you meet to avoid meeting countless strangers after just a few texts or e-mails. This is something huge that I believe people are missing out on today. You want to look forward to the guy you are meeting after you talk on the phone with him. And if you don’t feel that way after a phone conversation, you shouldn’t be meeting him at all. Of course, a phone conversation is not a guarantee that you will like each other in person, but it’s a very good start.

Is it possible for traditionally-minded women to make it clear in their online dating profile that they are looking only for long-term relationships? What is the best way to tell a man that you do not want to have sex early?

I don’t think stating in the profile what you are looking for and what you are looking to avoid is very effective. Players cast their net wide so it won’t make much of a difference. One thing that can be done is not posting photos that are too provocative should be somewhat helpful in at least not attracting too many of those guys who are going through profiles super quickly and just looking for women who have the sexiest pictures.

What is dating fatigue and how can it be avoided?

Dating fatigue is a state where you become unexcited about dating because of a large number of dates in a short period of time that didn’t go anywhere. Once going on dates feels more like work than fun, then you know you have a dating fatigue. It can be avoided by not going on this many dates this often and by being pickier―i.e. by only going out with those guys who you established some kind of connection with on the phone first.

What are your thoughts on the phenomenon called “ghosting”, when men (and women) would rather disappear than have to tell someone that they are no longer interested in dating them? What is the best way for a person to tell someone that they are dating that they are no longer interested?

Ghosting is the easiest way out, so it’s not surprising that it’s so popular. I think a simple text “I don’t think we are a good match, best of luck to you” is much better, and it will save the other person days or weeks of wondering what’s going on and whether you will contact them again, and it only requires a minimal amount of work and courage.

What are the top dating mistakes that people make?

Looking unapproachable in casual situations when there should be a good opportunity to meet someone in real life, talking about work on dates too much, being afraid to be sarcastic or negative on dates every now and then when appropriate, which makes them come across as less real, bragging, talking too much, talking about themselves too much, and trying to figure out whether there is chemistry in 30 minutes without giving an interaction a more meaningful chance.

Any other dating pointers?

Yes, don’t try to act too busy or too unavailable. It doesn’t flatter you or makes you more attractive, but only creates additional obstacles. Forget about being a challenge. It might have worked a decade ago, but not anymore. Today, we like those more who like us. Not being flaky and being punctual will set you apart from others in this progressively more flaky world. Don’t be afraid to have real conversations and skipping the boring small talk. Don’t hurry with the “what do you do” types of conversations. Don’t discuss your online dating stories―that’s what friends do; not potential partners.

Need personalized dating coaching? Email PracticalHappiness at admin[at]practicalhappiness[dot]com or complete a contact form at PracticalHappiness.com.

Read more: Are You Living in the City of Love?

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When You May be Too Old for Marriage

Divorce chartIt is possible to be too old for marriage, according to a new analysis put out by Nicholas H. Wolfinger, professor of Family and Consumer Studies and Adjunct Professor of Sociology at the University of Utah. He finds that past age 32, the odds of divorce increase by five percent per year. After adjusting for a variety of social and demographic differences between survey respondents Wolfinger finds that thirty-something marriage yields a higher divorce rate even after controlling for respondents’ sex, race, family structure of origin, age at the time of the survey, education, religious tradition, religious attendance, and sexual history, as well as the size of the metropolitan area that they live in.

He writes:

Does the experience of staying unmarried well past the age of 30 somehow make people unfit for a lasting marriage? It’s possible to envision a scenario where this might be the case, particularly in the form of a complicated relationship history. If you’ve had many boyfriends or girlfriends, your exes might play havoc with your marriage. They may offer the temptation of adultery. If you’ve had children with one or more of your exes, there could be “baby mama drama.” Indeed, having multiple sexual partners prior to marriage significantly increases the chances of getting divorced. Be that as it may, the number of prior sexual partners NSFG respondents had does not explain the relationship between age at marriage and marital stability. This result suggests that the mere experience of waiting past your early thirties to get married—a so-called “direct effect”—cannot explain why thirty-something marriages now have higher divorce rates than do unions formed in the late twenties.

He continues:

Instead, my money is on a selection effect: the kinds of people who wait till their thirties to get married may be the kinds of people who aren’t predisposed toward doing well in their marriages. For instance, some people seem to be congenitally cantankerous. Such people naturally have trouble with interpersonal relationships. Consequently they delay marriage, often because they can’t find anyone willing to marry them. When they do tie the knot, their marriages are automatically at high risk for divorce. More generally, perhaps people who marry later face a pool of potential spouses that has been winnowed down to exclude the individuals most predisposed to succeed at matrimony.

Wolfinger breaks his findings down by age in a chart (see below), making it clear that optimal age to get married falls sometime between ages 20-29.

Divorce table

Read more: The Perfect Weight for Marriage

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Why Do Women Think There Are No Good Men?

Alcohol party. Photo by Pexels

It’s early in the morning, and the nation’s worker bees have started their daily treks to their desks and cubicles. Somewhere deep in the depths of an underground tunnel in one of America’s urban cores, a well-manicured young woman is shuffling through a subway system. Another day, another long journey to the office. She makes eye contact with a suited young male commuter across the aisle. She awakens a little. Wow, a handsome man on the train! She wonders if he is single and holds her gaze. He doesn’t return the glance and looks down to read his newspaper. She thinks to herself, Why don’t I have a boyfriend? What am I doing wrong? Where are all of the good men?

Group of women in photo
They can’t wait to talk about the ways that men suck.

She isn’t alone in wondering where all of the “good men have gone.” You do not have to look hard to find women at brunches, bars, parks, concerts and boutique shops griping about their perpetual state of singledom. From Los Angeles to D.C. to Miami, packs of lonely women are constantly talking about the dismal mating options available in today’s dating market. The complaints are usually the same: If a man is hard-working, tall and attractive, then he is a player who only wants sex; if he is kind and loving, he is tragically underemployed.

For the nation’s burgeoning power women, good men are hard to find, while Peter Pans are ubiquitous. (And to be fair, men are complaining about the dating market too, just in different ways. While women complain about opportunities to meet and date quality guys, men complain about the lack femininity and shallowness of the women that they do meet (see exhibits MGTOW and Red Pill)).

Let’s examine this dating phenomenon. Why does it seem as though good men are hard to find? It can’t be that there is a national shortage of men. In 2013, there are 105 million unmarried people in America who are 18 and older, and 47 percent of those U.S. residents were men (53 percent were women). So, single men are out there, though not all of them prefer to date women. Still, single men are not as rare as many female urbanites tend to believe. There are even a few major cities where single men outnumber women. So what gives? Why are women so frustrated with the dating market?

The short answer: Tremendous changes in family and work environments have created a world where marriage is delayed for years, avoided altogether, or sometimes replaced by cheaper substitutes, such as cohabitation. That’s the argument that writer Barbara Dafoe Whitehead makes in her illuminating book “Why There Are No Good Men Left: The Romantic Plight of the New Single Woman.” In her book, Dafoe writes:

Finding lasting love is never easy, but it seems to be especially hard for women today. Evidence of their romantic frustration is everywhere: in popular television shows like Will & Grace and Sex and the City; in the gargantuan appetite for self-help dating and relationships books; in the endless talkfests about men’s frailties and failings; in the hit movies and bestselling novels about 30-something single women’s search for Mr. Right; in a crop of articles and books on how to get over being dumped; in the explosion of Internet sites devoted to the search for love. Youth used to be the season of romantic love. Seemingly, it is now becoming the season of romantic discontent.

She argues that there are few public spots that women can go to meet men (when they are ready to do so). For previous generations, finding a suitable spouse was as simple as going to church, community functions or college. Families once entertained guests at private house parties. Now, thanks to busy work schedules, home entertaining is all but gone. Public bars have become de facto hook up spots. As a result, men and women are finding it difficult to meet quality partners.

Additionally, Dafoe argues that the dating and mating timetable for women has changed drastically in the last few decades thanks in part to the women’s movement. As women dedicate several of their early childrearing years to pursuing their education and careers, the time window for the pursuit of love has shrunken in size.

“For today’s young college-educated women, however, the sequence has been reversed: first comes satisfying work and then the search for a suitable life partner,” writes Dafoe.

Dafoe reminds readers that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for single women. She encourages women to remember three points while navigating the dating market:

  1. Try to find a mate through online dating. Contrary to the notions glamourized in romantic movies, the odds are that you are not going to run into your future life partner in a cafe or bookstore. And definitely not at a bar. In fact, very few people meet their spouses in random public places. In the past, you would have met a spouse at a respectable house party or social gathering. Since private social events are rare these days, it is a good strategy to meet other singles online. Search for men who indicate that they are looking for a spouse in their profile. Avoid hookup sites and apps, such as Tinder and OK Cupid, and instead try eHarmony, Match, and POF.
  2. Stop living with a spouse before marriage―it is wasted time and energy. Cohabitation is a much bigger time commitment than many people realize, especially if the relationship goes sour. There are better ways to get to know your spouse than to dedicate years of your life to a partner you are not fully committed to. We have explored the topic of cohabitation on multiple occasions, so read refreshers here and here.
  3. Try speed dating. Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process of dating system whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Get out there and head to as many single events as you can.

Read more: The Perfect Weight for Marriage

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