Are You Living in the City of Love?

sea-sunset-beach-couple
sea-sunset-beach-couple
Photo by Pexels.

I just moved to a city that has the highest levels of single men to single women in the country, and I am loving every minute of it. There are so many single, high-paid men here that one matchmaking service, called the Dating Ring, even launched a crowdfunded campaign to send New York’s single women to meet all of my new city’s “eligible bachelors.” Ah yes, the dating scene is wonderful here.

Friends, I now live in San Francisco. I moved to California a few months ago to get away from the brutal cold winters and fast-paced life of the East Coast. I also knew that I wanted to make finding a husband a bigger priority this year, so I decided to move to a city where the odds of finding a suitable mate are much higher. I first decided to pack up and relocate to the West after reading Richard Florida’s book “Who’s Your City,” which explores the impact that a person’s place of residency can exert over the jobs and careers they have access to, the people they meet and their “mating markets” and their ability to lead happy and fulfilled lives. In the book, Florida ranks Canadian and U.S. cities by life-stage, rating the best places for singles, young families and empty-nesters.

Singles graph
Singles graph

In the past few weeks since I have moved here, I have received hundreds of online dating messages from guys and I have gone on at least 15 dates with men in the San Francisco area looking to settle down. The majority of these men work in the technology industry in some way, with most of the guys being software engineers. I could be imagining things, but there seems to be more men at bars and restaurants in the city. I’ve noticed that men are much friendlier here on the streets, at the pier, in cafes and in libraries. People actually smile here! The high number of men here has created a sort of dilemma for me: I’d love to meet more women at social events around the city because I want to have more female friends here, but all I keep meeting are more men.

Pew Research on suitable cities for singles.
Pew Research on suitable cities for singles.

I am having a great time here in the Bay Area, but a single North American woman needn’t move all the way here to find a spouse. The Pew Research Center recently published a list of the best and worst cities for women looking to marry. At the top of their list? Silicon Valley. Here’s more:

“For women seeking a male partner with a job, our analysis found that San Jose, Calif., tops the list among large metro areas, with 114 single employed men for every 100 single women. Among all single young adults, there were 141 men for every 100 women in this area. Over half (57%) of young adults ages 25 to 34 in the metro area, which includes Sunnyvale and Santa Clara, were single in 2012.”

Would you move to find a spouse? Reply in the comments below!

Read more: A Time to Wait for Love

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Real Men Reveal What Makes Them Commit

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We talk a lot here on Ladies Again about tapping into your femininity to get what you really want out of life as a woman. Recently, I was watching various videos that feature men detailing what attracts them to women and what makes them fall in love. The interesting thing is that many of them were saying the exact same things. One thing that kept popping up was “confidence” and “connection” or “compassion”.

I decided to share some of these videos with our readers to demonstrate what we have been saying. That men are not distressed or intimidated by femininity. What they need is a woman that has embraced her femininity to the point of comfort and confidence in it. That’s when they begin to lean in, and even crave you. Check out the videos below to hear it straight from the men themselves!

How to Seduce a Man – 15 Tips by New Era Pros

What Men Find Beautiful In Women by GuyTellsAll

How to make a man fell cray about you by Bernardo Mendez

How to Be an Adorable Woman – An Insight Into Male Psychology by TopReviews4All

 

How Men Fall In Love (Mat Boggs creator of Cracking The Man Code) by Matthew Boggs

 

~::*Bonus*::~

The Art of Feminine Presence – a quick, easy exercise for you by Rachael Jane Groover

A video about “energy psychology”

Read Next: Why is it OK for Men to Sleep Around, but not Women?

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The Best Way to Test Your Relationship Isn’t Living Together

Photo by Adam Tinworth via Flickr

Did you know that couples who live together before marrying are less satisfied with their marriages and more likely to divorce than couples who do not live together? And yet, nearly half of twenty-somethings surveyed say (pdf) that they would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together first, so that they could find out whether they really got along. And two-thirds of twentsomethings believe that cohabitating before marriage is a good way to avoid divorce, Meg Jay writes in her book “The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter—and how to make the most of them now.”

Living together before marriage, or at least the promise to commit to marriage, is a terrible idea. It’s such as bad idea that sociologists have a name for this broken phenomenon: it’s called the “cohabitation effect.” First, couples who cohabitate are usually moving in for conflicting reasons—women think of moving in together as a step up in their relationships, while men think of moving in together as a way to get easy access to sex. Oh, and yes, let’s state the obvious: cohabitation is also cheaper and convenient….because that’s what solid relationships should be based on, am I right?

Yes, living together is cheaper…at first. Cohabitation actually becomes expensive when you want to get out of it. “Cohabitation is loaded with setup and switching costs,” Jay writes in the New York Times. “Living together can be fun and economical, and the setup costs are subtly woven in. After years of living among roommates’ junky old stuff, couples happily split the rent on a nice one-bedroom apartment. They share wireless and pets and enjoy shopping for new furniture together. Later, these setup and switching costs have an impact on how likely they are to leave.”

Moving in with someone without first being engaged is a deal-breaker for women who are serious about getting married. Jay explores the long-term effects of this phenomenon in her book, writing:

“It is the couples who live together before an engagement who are more likely to experience poorer communication, lower levels of commitment to the relationship, and greater marital instability down the road. Multiple studies have shown that those who live with their partners before an engagement are less dedicated before, and even after, marriage. A life built on top of a “Maybe We Will” simply may not feel as consciously committed as a life build on top of the ‘I Do’ of marriage or the ‘We Are’ of engagement.”

If you really want to test your spouse’s personality and see if you two would be a good fit for one another, there is a much better way to get the job done. I recommend that you travel abroad (preferably, to a developing country) with your spouse to see how you both respond to unpredictable situations. When you are overseas together as a couple, you will have wonderful new experiences together for sure, but you may also lose your credit card, get robbed, have trouble speaking fluently to the locals or experience less-than-stellar hotels. Those experiences will help you see your spouse at their best and worst moments.

Photo by Ernie & Katy Newton Lawley via Flickr
Photo by Ernie & Katy Newton Lawley via Flickr

Jay agrees with this idea in her book. “Traveling in a third-world country is the closest thing there is to being married and raising kids. You have glorious hikes and perfect days on the beach. You go on adventures you would never try, or enjoy, alone. But you also can’t get away from each other. Everything is unfamiliar. Money is tight or you get robbed. Someone gets sick or sunburned. You get bored. It is harder than you expected, but you are glad you didn’t just sit at home.”

So plan to have an experience with your significant other, and make it a long vacation—the trip should last 20 days at a minimum. Pay attention to how your partner handles budgeting/spending, cleanliness, conflict and sudden changes.

Read next: 3 reasons why salsa dancing is the most feminine thing you can do

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How to Avoid Being Accidentally Childless

Photo by marty hadding via Flickr
Photo by gadgetdude via flickr
Photo by gadgetdude via flickr

If you’re reading this, are you a young woman in high school or your early twenties? Then we can guess that you must also feel empowered to pursue your independence, life goals and career aspirations. The whole world is your oyster! You want to travel, date around, drink til your heart’s content and dance til your feet hurt. Eventually you want to get married and have a family, but you want to leave those heavy topics for much, much later, like maybe for your late thirties or forties when the timing is just right. Life is for living now!

If you agree with any of the above, you have been misled. You have sipped from the reality-rejecting, feminist-propaganda-swindling sippie cup. And, unfortunately, you will not understand that you are confused until you are older and it is often too late to go back. I know this because I used to have the same thoughts. Women in developed nations across the world just like you have been told by older generations of women to pursue own their dreams and goals before getting married, and to avoid settling down at all costs. Feminists have encouraged women through books, lectures and public policies to build their own lives before getting married.

Popular culture shows and films, such as Sex and the City, Ally McBeal, Grey’s Anatomy and Foxy Brown, have glorified the joys of being young, fun and independent women. Every year, the music industry pushes out feel-good “empowered” pop songs, which usually end up being mega hits. For instance, the Destiny’s Child song “Independent Women” held the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 chart for eleven consecutive weeks in 2000. And I don’t think I can list all of the Pitbull-esque “live like there’s no tomorrow” hit songs that have been released in the past few decades.

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But for all of the cheers for “strong and empowered” working women, nothing seems to soothe the concerns of middle-aged women who have just realized that they no longer have the option to conceive a child. Women are now waking up to the reality that they made a mistake by prioritizing work (and their independence) ahead of their family goals. In an NPR interview, Barbara Collura, president/CEO of Resolve, the National Infertility Association, sums up the misguided sentiments shared by career women nicely:

“Let’s be honest, women don’t want to hear that they can’t have it all. We can have a great job, we can have a master’s degree, we don’t need to worry about child-bearing because that’s something that will come. And when it doesn’t happen, women are really angry.”

Infertility Graph

Collura says the first thing (infertile) women say is “Why didn’t anybody tell me this?” That’s a good question. One study (pdf) found that women think that the chance of a 30-year-old getting pregnant in one try is 80 percent, while in reality it’s less than 30 percent. For a 40-year-old, many assumed up to a 40 percent success rate. It’s actually less than 10 percent.

Why are so many women confused about fertility? I have a few ideas:

      1. Fertility discussions go against two feminist ideals: First, feminists believe men and women are completely equal androgynous beings (ugh), so any discussion about biological differences is considered disruptive. Second, feminists want to prove that women can and should be as successful as men, and any talk of women slowing down their careers for their families is forbidden.
      2. Any attempt to teach women about fertility has been silenced. Sex education classes in schools only talk about preventing pregnancies, but say nothing about the reality that women will not always be able to get pregnant (and must plan their lives accordingly). Collura says “A decade ago, a campaign by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine sparked a vicious backlash. Ads on public buses in several big cities featured a baby bottle shaped like an hourglass, to warn women their time was running out. But women’s rights groups called it a scare tactic that left women feeling pressured and guilty.”
      3. The media has made the single life look all too good. Shows about single working women are cool, flashy and fashion-forward, while shows about married life are glum and depressing. Husbands are made to look like bumbling idiots on every family TV show.

Thinking about fertility early is important for several reasons. First, women have only so much time to have children. If you wait too long, you may get lucky enough to have one child, but any more than that is unlikely to happen. Second, if you desire to have children, you need to plan for the physical and emotional commitments that go into raising a child (six months of maternity leave will not usually be enough time—plan for taking off several years to bond with your child. This means that you need to select the right spouse). Third, you want to think about fertility because you want to have healthy children. The most common risk factor for Down syndrome is maternal age (read this chart). Fourth, if you wait too long, you might have to face taking care of your teenage children at the same time as you have to care for your aging parents. Yikes. Finally, fertility treatments are expensive (the average cost of a fertility intervention is $25,000) and sometimes unsuccessful.

So what can women do differently today?

First, educate yourself and other women about the importance of thinking about fertility. As psychologist Meg Jay says in her book The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter—and how to make the most of them now. “Thirty is not the new twenty.” Understand that your fertility drops every year. Teach young women to plan wisely while they are young and fertile.

Second, plan your own life carefully. If you are considering pursuing a new career or starting a new relationship, ask yourself: How many hours will I need to work per week at the peak of my career? If I had to, could I work part-time in my current career field? Does the person I’m dating have the same family goals as me?

It might be helpful for a woman who is switching careers to draw a timeline of the life she wants for herself. For instance, if a woman who is 24 years old, single and wants children is considering going to college, how will she balance graduating from school, getting hired, finding a husband, marrying and giving birth within the next few years? Especially if her goal is to have several children before her fertility sharply declines at 30? Developing a timeline will help young women live the lives they want to live in the future.

Read next: 20 Facts about Sex and Dating Feminists Don’t Want You To Know

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How to Find a Husband Who Really Gets You

Photo by -=shutterbug=- via Flickr

I’m in love with all of the knowledge and insights packed in psychologist Meg Jay’s book “The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter—and how to make the most of them now.” It is for this reason that I decided to break down her guidebook into parts, dissecting each chapter into tidbits that will help us on our quest to pursue femininity. As a psychologist who has all too often listened to confused and underemployed thirtysomethings who wasted their early years, Jay offers helpful advice for young men and women swimming in the sea of youth. The book encourages young adults to remember that their twenties do indeed matter and have an effect on the rest of their lives.

I found some of the best takeaways from her book in her chapters in love, marriage and relationships. She encourages young men and women to take their dating lives seriously while they are in their twenties, rather than play the field and engage in casual sex. Jay argues that romantic relationships are important because they offer people the opportunities to pick and create their own families.

“There is something scary about picking your family,” Jay writes. “It’s not romantic. It means you aren’t just waiting for your soulmate to arrive. It means you know you are making decision that will affect the rest of your life…Twentysomethings who aren’t at least a little scared about their relationships are often the ones who are being the least thoughtful.”

Jay implores her readers to be thoughtful in several relationship arenas: Selecting a mate carefully, refusing to move in together (unless you are already engaged), choosing to marry young and deciding to have children early. As a single young woman is who currently dating, I was particularly interested in her advice on mate selection. She encourages young singles to think less about their deal breakers and more about selecting a spouse based on personality traits. Eliminate potential suitors only on extreme differences in values, goals or personality.

“One match maker to consider is personality,” she writes. “Some research tells us that, especially in young couples, the more similar two people’s personalities are, the more likely they are to be satisfied with their relationship. Yet personality is how dating, and even married, couples tend to be least alike.”

You don’t need to take an official test to determine your personality traits. Instead, decide where your personality falls on the Big Five personality test, which identifies five factors that describe how people interact with the world. Neuroticism, which is the tendency to be anxious, critical and moody, is “more predictive of relationship unhappiness and dissolution than is personality dissimilarity.”

Big Five Personality Test

In the book, Jay provides an example of a patient named Eli, a young man who is high on Openness and Extraversion, and low on Conscientiousness and Neuroticism. Eli is a poor match for his girlfriend, a withdrawn and responsible person who is low on Openness and Extraversion, but high on Conscientiousness and Neuroticism. This couple needs to break up because their personalities are too different for the relationship to work.

So what if the guy you like isn’t very romantic or likes watching listening to sports talk instead of NPR? Forget the trivial details and choose a spouse with a personality that is similar to yours. Here’s solid advice from Jay: “The more similar people are, the more they are able to understand each other…Two people who are similar are going to have the same reactions to a rainy day, a new car, a long vacation, an anniversary, a Sunday morning, and a big party.”

Read next: More Texts from the Nice Guy

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Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable”: Feminine or Not?

Beyonce

beyonce mean muggingBeyonce is arguably one of the most powerful names in music right now. Her eclectic sound and feminist message hypnotizes many women into feeling a strong sense of liberation and community.

However, her message can often come across as confusing as well. You may find her singing lyrics such as:

“Let me cater to you…do anything for my man…” -Destiny’s Child, Cater 2 U

or “Nothing’s perfect, but it’s worth it…” – Beyonce, Love on Top

This sounds like the voice of a loyal, dedicated woman, right? Then, the next song from her is a raging feminist manifesto about how much she doesn’t need a man. Consider these lyrics:

“The rocks I’m rockin’, I bought ’em, cuz I depend on me!” -Destiny’s Child, Independent Woman

and “This goes out to all my girls
That’s in the club rocking the latest
Who will buy it for themselves and get more money later” -Beyonce, Run the World (Girls)

The confusing messages don’t stop there, because when we consider the song Bills Bills Bills, which contain lyrics such as:

“Can you pay my bills…I don’t think you do. So, you and me are through!”

Grammatical errors aside, her musical personality often comes across as that of a sufferer of borderline personality disorder.

This issue poses a challenge for women who look to her as the voice of feminine sensibility or worse, men who refer to her when trying to understand the female mind. For this reason, I have chosen one of her songs for consideration in a new series I am creating here for Ladies Again entitled “Feminine or Not?”

beyonce irreplaceableIn this series, I will take a pop culture concept or reference and break it down for readers in terms of its alignment with femininity or lack thereof.

Today, I will be analyzing Beyonce’s hit song “Irreplaceable”.

From the very beginning of the song it rejects femininity and leans towards the arrogance of modern feminism as we find Beyonce aggressively ejecting her inadequate romantic partner from the scene with a battle cry:

“To the left! To the left!

Everything you own in a box to the left!”

The song goes on and on about everything she has done for this man and how undeserving he is of her pity. Now, granted, she is a jilted lover, but it is interesting to note that everything she holds against him has a monetary value.

“…that’s my stuff…

…I bought it….

…It’s my name that’s on that Jag(uar)…”

This is an important point, because it says something about the character of this woman which will become increasingly evident as we continue through the song. Spoiler alert: She has a CREAM culture mentality and this has led her to believe that her financial success absolves her of any social accountability. Consider these lines:

“I can have another you in a minute…

…So don’t…(think) you’re irreplaceable…”

She clearly sees people as commodities similar to the objects she withholds to manipulate this man, i.e. disposable and acquirable through financial leverage.

And before you begin to sympathize with her, because she was cheated on:

“Call up that chick and see if she’s home!

Oops! I bet you thought that I didn’t know!

What did you think I was putting you out for?!”

Consider the lines that soon follow this revelation:

“You was untrue

Rollin’ around in the car that I bought you!

Baby, drop them keys!

Hurry up before your taxi leaves!”

Beyonce-angryI am willing to bet that this man’s infidelity resulted from being so emasculated by her manipulation and power tripping, that he had to sleep around just to remind himself that he still had balls! She sounds like she’s talking to her house help in this song and not a romantic partner!

So, to answer the question posed by this article. This song is:

NOT FEMININE!

Femininity supports your significant other with love and compassion, regardless of his financial situation and does not use one’s advantage as a tool of manipulation, but rather patiently encourages the best out of her partner. For an example of this, consider the song “Your Love is My Love” by Whitney Houston with lyrics such as:

“If I lose my fame and fortune
And I’m homeless on the street
And I’m sleepin’ in Grand Central Station
It’s okay if you’re sleepin’ with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other’s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It’s okay as long as I got you babe”

Those are the words of a woman with eternity in mind. Those are the words of a woman that knows that we are all in this together. Those are the words of a lady!

Do you like Beyonce’s song “Irreplaceable”? Please tell us why or why not in the comment section below!

Read Next: Feminist Lies | The Myth of Gender Equality and the Working Woman

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Nonnegotiables for Feminine Women

Couple Moving In

Authors Suzanne Venker and Phyllis Schlafly argue a good case for political conservatism in “The Flipside of Feminism: What Conservative Women Know―and Men Can’t Say,” a book that explores the ways that feminism has negatively affected American politics, culture and society. According to the authors, feminism, at its core, is about power for the liberal left. Liberal power elites in the U.S. do not want equality because they want a matriarchy instead. “Flipside” authors argue that powerful feminists are using their power in media, politics, education and entertainment to convince others that women are being oppressed, marriage and motherhood are outdated and unnecessary and that gender roles are irrelevant.

Flipside Book
Flipside Book

The book explores topics typically undermined or wholly ignored by feminists, such as the physical and emotional consequences of casual sex, the impacts of divorce on children, the stress of balancing a family and a high-power career and the relationship between age and fertility. The authors argue that women need to be more conservative in their approach to family life and career selection.

They argue that women need to adopt three critical nonnegotiables to their life planning strategy (excerpted from the book):

  1. Casual sex is a dead-end street, and cohabitation does not lead to a successful marriage.
  2. Marriage is the ultimate goal, and divorce should not be assumed to be an option.
  3. Children need, deserve, and want to be raised by their own parents, who are married to each other.

Best Takeaways

  • “Feminists have been successful in getting the majority of Americans to believe that millions of women in the 1950s all realized simultaneously that they were ‘entitled’ to a life outside the home and then expressed this desire only to encounter discrimination at every turn. What was really happening was that technological advances were producing so many labor-saving devices, such as dishwashers and dryers, that women didn’t have to spend as much time on household chores…Women began entering the workforce―and they did so without feminism.” (35)
  • “The truth is that feminism has been the single worst thing that has happened to American women. It did not liberate women at all―it confused them…Their female nature tells them sex requires love; marriage is important; children are a blessing; and men are necessary. The culture, meanwhile, tells them to sleep around and postpone family life because that will cost them their identity. (55)
  • “One reason women are confused about sex is that they’re constantly barraged with politically correct images of men and women hooking up indiscriminately, under the promise that such behavior is empowering to women. They never see the fallout of such behavior.” (63)
  • “Married couples no longer think of themselves as one unit but as separate entities sharing space, which leads to an obscuring of gender roles and inevitable conflict as each spouse focuses solely on his or her own needs rather than the needs of the marriage.” (75)
  • “Any story that portrays women as victims, or portrays women in search of their identity in the absences of a husband and children, is a shoo-in for mainstream media publicity.” (83)
  • “The inconvenient truth is that many careers do not offer women the flexibility they want. If you plan to be a doctor, lawyer, or business executive, your family life will suffer―period. The men and women who pursued these foals have paid a big price for their achievement in the long hours they must commit to their careers.” (116)
    “Disregarding a man’s work ethic and work prospects means women may be forced to remain in the workforce to keep the family afloat―and many will come to regret this.” (117)
CoupleMovingIn
This couple is making a mistake if they move in before marriage.

Downsides

The book gave good advice for single women looking for a husband, but it did not include suggestions on how to stop elite feminists from shaping politics and the news media. Where should conservative women go to for unbiased news information? Which political leaders are helping traditional- and family-oriented women?

Overall Opinion

The book is a good read for readers who are new to the traditional women/anti-feminist book world. The book is highly recommended.

Read next: Why Modern Women are Miserable

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My Four-Prong Approach to Becoming a Lady Again

Photo credit: Jill Glindermann, winner of the Sun Girl Quest at Suttons Beach, 1953 via photopin
Photo credit: Jill Glindermann, winner of the Sun Girl Quest at Suttons Beach, 1953 via photopin

In October 2014, I joined the Ladies Again team with the agenda of embracing my femininity in order to achieve my goals.

With my birthday coming up in a little over a month, I have been thinking a lot about how far I have come on this journey. The answer is: not that far.

I’ve begun posts about getting healthy again, finding a husband, making money and revamping my image. However, in all honesty, I have not kept on top of my new commitment to the extent that I had hoped.

  • I have not lost any weight (I may have gained some).
  • I have not had a steady and healthy romantic relationship.
  • My career is on shaky ground (and I’m broke).
  • I’m sitting here wearing an old t-shirt with grease stains on it.

However, what I have accomplished is:

I have made these small strides in the past 4 months, but now I’m ready to take a few leaps. Here is my plan to make that happen.

I will be focusing my Ladies Again journey on four main areas:

Number 1: Career Goal: To become a home business

  • We at Ladies Again recognize how hard it is for a woman to feel empowered in her femininity when she is tied down to a traditional career (Punching the clock is often incompatible with raising a family). I personally, have no interest on selling my family time to a faceless corporation that I probably hate. So, for this reason, one of my goals is to empower myself by doing something I have always dreamed of (i.e. become an entrepreneur). I feel that doing this will make me happier, healthier and give me more freedom to nurture healthy relationships.
Couple embracing. Photo credit: Mirando al mar via photopin
Photo credit: Mirando al mar via photopin

Number 2: Marriage Goal: To be in a meaningful romantic relationship by December of 2015

  • Playing the tomboy role and chasing my career my whole life has left me lonely and awkward at 30 years old. For this reason, I have some catching up to do. Utilizing dating advice, resources and maybe even websites, I intend to put myself out there in a meaningful way and record my process here on Ladies Again.
  • I will be using dating techniques from various books which I will review and discuss on this blog. My first book selection is Get the Guy, which is a book written by Matthew Hussey, a man (and dating coach) that I first discovered on youtube about a year ago. Look out for my review and discussions about how I’m applying the ideas in that book in later blog posts.

Number 3: Beauty Goal: To achieve a more feminine appearance and embrace my natural feminine physical strengths

  • This is crucial to the execution of my marriage goal and plays into my health goal as well

Number 4: Health Goal: To steadily and consistently lose weight until I reach 125 lbs

This is merely a brief overview of my four pronged approach to becoming a Lady Again. I hope to go into further details on these goals in future articles. So, stay tuned!

What steps are you taking to meet your objectives this year? Leave a comment or a question. We would love to hear from you and we would love to help!

Read next: Why I Decided to Become a Lady Again

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More Texts from the Nice Guy

Photo by Michael Simmons via Flickr

The manosphere has had it with picky American women who, they say, will pass up wholesome nice men in exchange for one-night stands with player alpha male clowns. According to many male writers, Western women are foolishly sacrificing their fleeting youth and beauty for asshole jocks that can give a shit about their well-being. In a lot of ways, the male bloggers are right; many women do actually want the bad boy. Many have seen too many chick films and are unrealistically searching for men who are tall and handsome and successful and driven and funny and romantic and financially stable and thoughtful and….

Photo by Michael Simmons via Flickr
Endless texts from the nice guy. Photo by Michael Simmons via Flickr.

While I agree that many Western women are setting their standards a teensy bit too high, I would like to offer one rationale for the alpha male lust: It is simply easier for a woman to meet and talk to an alpha male. After all, strong and confident men are usually the first to talk to us! Confident men have no qualms about approaching new women and sparking up conversations. I have met alpha males in bookstores, salsa dance clubs, conference rooms, elevators and grocery stores.

They are funny, they are engaging and, best of all, they are fun. When you are speaking to a charmer, you know he is full of shit, but the opportunities at that moment seem to be endless. You think, where will he lead me? As a woman, it feels great to have a guy take the lead. Unlike nice or shy guys, the charmer knows what he wants. He does not ask to kiss you, he just does it. He does not ask if you can go out on a date, he tells you where he will meet you next. And that kind of confidence is so interesting that it is sexy.

So where does that leave me as a woman in her mid-20s (26) who is dating and looking for marriage? I do not have time for players or alphas who just want to have sex. Logically, I must search for a nice guy who is loyal, stable and hopefully attractive. Since I want a man who is open to marriage, this person must also be older than me (mid-thirties) because very few young men in their 20s are looking to get hitched. In sum, I am looking for a nice, stable, loyal older man who wants to have a family.

Advertisement: CLICK HERE TO LEARN THE LOVE SPELL THAT TURNS ANY MAN INTO YOUR LOVE SLAVE!

I guess I am also looking for a unicorn. Nice men are the absolute HARDEST to date. This is because there are two major problems at work:

  1. Feminism. I think nice guys do not want to be too forward or masculine because they are afraid of making women feel uncomfortable or threatened. This is a legitimate fear given the mainstream media’s obsession with rape accusations and sexual harassment claims. Assholes do not seem to care about coming across as misogynists, while nice guys are a bit more emotional and contemplative. A lot of Western women are also argumentative and masculine, their minds corrupted by the utopian promise of equality between the sexes. No man wants to approach a woman who will dismiss their kind acts of chivalry or argue about the representation of women in the media. If I were a man, I would also be terrified to approach a woman who lives in the West.
  2. The pain of silence. This one is a bit complicated to explain. As readers know, I am a strict follower of “The Rules,” the bestselling dating guide. One of the most important rules in the book is to let the man take the lead, therefore I do not approach men (anymore) or ask for their phone numbers or tell them when we should meet for dates. I am trying my best to be feminine and let the man take the lead because I agree that men like to take charge. So, when I see a guy that I like, I give him the eye, I wait for him to ask for my number and I wait for him to ask me out on a date. The only problem? Nice guys take an ETERNITY to do each step! Waiting for the nice guy to take initiative is like pulling teeth.

For instance, when I was 20, I met a really sweet federal worker in D.C. who actually asked me how I would react if “someone like him” asked me for my phone number. And when he said this, he was not joking. In fact, he was very nervous. Being the young vibrant woman that I was, I naturally told him that I was not interested. If that happened today, I would be a lot nicer to him.

If you give out your number to a nice guy, you basically just made a new pen pal. The nice guy will text and text and text―he will write an entire book of text messages, and ask you about every mundane detail of your day. I want to scream: JUST ASK ME OUT ALREADY! But then, if I, as a woman, tell the nice guy that I want to go out on a date, I will come across as bossy or too forward. And there is also a big part of me that actually wants the guy to just be the man and take the lead.

Here’s an actual conversation with a nice guy…that I met three weeks ago:

Nice Guy: Hey How is it going?
Me: It’s going well. How about you?
Nice Guy: I went to see the Will Smith movie. It was really good! Did you see it?
Me: Not not yet, but I would like to.
Nice Guy: It’s his best movie. If I’d known, we could have seen it together. You in town for the holidays?
Me: Yep, for the next few days.
Nice guy: So what do you like to do?

…This tortuous texting conversation continued for THREE goddamn weeks. In fact, I’m still waiting for him to ask me out.

Let’s compare this nice guy to the last alpha man I dated. This man was a tall and handsome software engineer who had just turned down a six-figure salary with Google so that he could negotiate for a higher salary at his contracting firm. When I met him at a work function, he did not ask for my number. Instead, he said “Listen, I want to see you again, but only if you make it worth my while. I don’t have time for boring women. Can you be a fun person for me? Let’s get dinner this week.”

Who the hell would turn a date with a person who said that? Of course I’m fun! I found out on our date that he was a player who had multiple women competing for his attention. He also wanted to move fast, which was not okay with me, so the relationship did not go anywhere. But the date was one for the memory books. Nice restaurant in a nice part of town; great food and great conversation. He was very quick and clever and he made me nervous on our date, which was a cool feeling.

….Pardon the interruption, but I just got a new text from the nice guy.

Nice guy: That trip sounds like so much fun! Sounds like you had a cool vacation. Where else are you planning to travel?

Read next: Why I’m Making Femininity a Priority this Year

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Why I’m Making Femininity a Priority this Year

Photo by Giorgio Minguzzi viaF lickr
Photo by Sean MacEntee via Flickr
Photo by Sean MacEntee via Flickr

Someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas last month and I said “Tell Santa to send me a husband. Now.” I waited, and I did not get what I wanted, so it looks like I’m going to have to make things happen on my own. Now that New Year’s Eve has come and gone, now is the time for me to make a list of my goals, wants and desires for the next year. Unsurprisingly, my goals are focused on getting married. Thankfully, I realized at a young age (26) the feminist scam of putting my career above creating a family, so I know that time is of the essence. As a result, my list of New Year’s resolutions focuses on getting married while I still have four years of my twenties left.

My resolutions

Look nice everyday

There’s a reason why looking feminine is listed as a high-priority goal in some of the country’s bestselling books on romance and dating, including, The Rules, Think Like a Man, Act Like A Lady and Marry the Rich. This is a goal that sounds simple, but is not. When it comes to my clothes, I have no problem wearing a dress everyday because a own very few pants. But other that, I am a mess. My hair is almost never done (it takes a while to style very curly hair), I wear very little makeup during the work week and I almost never wear high heels. As I have written before, I am working on wearing more heels, but it is a challenge in the wintertime because I own very few boot heels. It is also difficult and dangerous to walk in the snow in heels.

I’d like to make it a habit to wear false eyelashes everyday because they look very nice. I would also like to make a larger investment on my hair. Men love long hair, so I’m going to need to make an effort to add weaves and extensions to my hair (even if it dents my wallet a bit).

Learn to cook and entertain

There was a time, long before women went out for Sex and the City-type brunches, when women used to entertain and host dinner parties. I want to host those kinds of home social events. In order to do that, I need to first learn how to cook. I will blog about my experiences as I learn my way around the kitchen over the next year.

Get Married

Photo by Giorgio Minguzzi viaF lickr
Photo by Giorgio Minguzzi via Flickr

Self-explanatory.

Quit my job

At 26 years old, I cannot continue to work a job that sucks out 55 hours of my time (plus an additional 10 hours for commuting) a week. I can spend that much time sitting behind a desk when I’m 60 years old, sure, but I no longer have an interest in working long office hours while I am in the peak of my youth. I do not have a final plan yet for my escape, but if I’m still working at my job by June 2015, I’m am going to be very disappointed in myself.

Get better at salsa dancing

It’s feminine, it’s sexy and I feel great doing it. Best of all, it’s a great way to meet men!

What are your New Year’s resolutions? Share in the comments below!

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