More Texts from the Nice Guy

Photo by Michael Simmons via Flickr

The manosphere has had it with picky American women who, they say, will pass up wholesome nice men in exchange for one-night stands with player alpha male clowns. According to many male writers, Western women are foolishly sacrificing their fleeting youth and beauty for asshole jocks that can give a shit about their well-being. In a lot of ways, the male bloggers are right; many women do actually want the bad boy. Many have seen too many chick films and are unrealistically searching for men who are tall and handsome and successful and driven and funny and romantic and financially stable and thoughtful and….

Photo by Michael Simmons via Flickr
Endless texts from the nice guy. Photo by Michael Simmons via Flickr.

While I agree that many Western women are setting their standards a teensy bit too high, I would like to offer one rationale for the alpha male lust: It is simply easier for a woman to meet and talk to an alpha male. After all, strong and confident men are usually the first to talk to us! Confident men have no qualms about approaching new women and sparking up conversations. I have met alpha males in bookstores, salsa dance clubs, conference rooms, elevators and grocery stores.

They are funny, they are engaging and, best of all, they are fun. When you are speaking to a charmer, you know he is full of shit, but the opportunities at that moment seem to be endless. You think, where will he lead me? As a woman, it feels great to have a guy take the lead. Unlike nice or shy guys, the charmer knows what he wants. He does not ask to kiss you, he just does it. He does not ask if you can go out on a date, he tells you where he will meet you next. And that kind of confidence is so interesting that it is sexy.

So where does that leave me as a woman in her mid-20s (26) who is dating and looking for marriage? I do not have time for players or alphas who just want to have sex. Logically, I must search for a nice guy who is loyal, stable and hopefully attractive. Since I want a man who is open to marriage, this person must also be older than me (mid-thirties) because very few young men in their 20s are looking to get hitched. In sum, I am looking for a nice, stable, loyal older man who wants to have a family.

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I guess I am also looking for a unicorn. Nice men are the absolute HARDEST to date. This is because there are two major problems at work:

  1. Feminism. I think nice guys do not want to be too forward or masculine because they are afraid of making women feel uncomfortable or threatened. This is a legitimate fear given the mainstream media’s obsession with rape accusations and sexual harassment claims. Assholes do not seem to care about coming across as misogynists, while nice guys are a bit more emotional and contemplative. A lot of Western women are also argumentative and masculine, their minds corrupted by the utopian promise of equality between the sexes. No man wants to approach a woman who will dismiss their kind acts of chivalry or argue about the representation of women in the media. If I were a man, I would also be terrified to approach a woman who lives in the West.
  2. The pain of silence. This one is a bit complicated to explain. As readers know, I am a strict follower of “The Rules,” the bestselling dating guide. One of the most important rules in the book is to let the man take the lead, therefore I do not approach men (anymore) or ask for their phone numbers or tell them when we should meet for dates. I am trying my best to be feminine and let the man take the lead because I agree that men like to take charge. So, when I see a guy that I like, I give him the eye, I wait for him to ask for my number and I wait for him to ask me out on a date. The only problem? Nice guys take an ETERNITY to do each step! Waiting for the nice guy to take initiative is like pulling teeth.

For instance, when I was 20, I met a really sweet federal worker in D.C. who actually asked me how I would react if “someone like him” asked me for my phone number. And when he said this, he was not joking. In fact, he was very nervous. Being the young vibrant woman that I was, I naturally told him that I was not interested. If that happened today, I would be a lot nicer to him.

If you give out your number to a nice guy, you basically just made a new pen pal. The nice guy will text and text and text―he will write an entire book of text messages, and ask you about every mundane detail of your day. I want to scream: JUST ASK ME OUT ALREADY! But then, if I, as a woman, tell the nice guy that I want to go out on a date, I will come across as bossy or too forward. And there is also a big part of me that actually wants the guy to just be the man and take the lead.

Here’s an actual conversation with a nice guy…that I met three weeks ago:

Nice Guy: Hey How is it going?
Me: It’s going well. How about you?
Nice Guy: I went to see the Will Smith movie. It was really good! Did you see it?
Me: Not not yet, but I would like to.
Nice Guy: It’s his best movie. If I’d known, we could have seen it together. You in town for the holidays?
Me: Yep, for the next few days.
Nice guy: So what do you like to do?

…This tortuous texting conversation continued for THREE goddamn weeks. In fact, I’m still waiting for him to ask me out.

Let’s compare this nice guy to the last alpha man I dated. This man was a tall and handsome software engineer who had just turned down a six-figure salary with Google so that he could negotiate for a higher salary at his contracting firm. When I met him at a work function, he did not ask for my number. Instead, he said “Listen, I want to see you again, but only if you make it worth my while. I don’t have time for boring women. Can you be a fun person for me? Let’s get dinner this week.”

Who the hell would turn a date with a person who said that? Of course I’m fun! I found out on our date that he was a player who had multiple women competing for his attention. He also wanted to move fast, which was not okay with me, so the relationship did not go anywhere. But the date was one for the memory books. Nice restaurant in a nice part of town; great food and great conversation. He was very quick and clever and he made me nervous on our date, which was a cool feeling.

….Pardon the interruption, but I just got a new text from the nice guy.

Nice guy: That trip sounds like so much fun! Sounds like you had a cool vacation. Where else are you planning to travel?

Read next: Why I’m Making Femininity a Priority this Year

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