Is He the Right Guy to Date? Skip the Men Who Party Too Much

The Adicts at SO36. Kreuzberg-Berlin

What’s one of the best ways to figure out if a man is ready for marriage? Ask him how much he enjoys drinking and going out to bars. In one of the greatest books ever written on dating, researcher John T. Molloy argues in “Why men Marry Some Women and Not Others” that the best-suited men for relationships and marriage are those who have already grown tired of the singles scene in bars and nightclubs.

In the book, Molloy and a team of researchers interview men and women just leaving marriage license bureaus to learn more about the similarities between marriage-minded people. Their findings are startling and eye-opening. One of the findings from the research shows that marriage-minded men are those who have grown out of the singles scene.

Man binge drinking.
This guy probably isn’t thinking about marriage and kids.

“Many men reluctantly admitted that for more than a year, they had felt uncomfortable in the singles world where they had been hanging out for the past five years,” Molloy said. “It is not how old they are that makes men uncomfortable, it is how old they feel, or how old others make them feel. Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry.”

So, it’s in your best interest to avoid dating men who love to party because those men are probably not ready to settle down. I’ve experienced this personally. I dated an older man who had absolutely no interest in giving up the bar and partying scene. Going out partying with his boys week after week was just as much a priority to him as spending time with me or with his family. I now know to look specifically for men who are getting bored by the club and bar scene.

The book also provided tips on other ways to find marriage-minded men, including:

There is a specific age range when a man is ready to get married

  • A man whose education ended at the high school level is looking to get married at ages 23 or 24. Similarly, a man whose education ended at the college level is looking to get married at age 26. When men earn graduate degrees, expect that they will want to get married in their late 20s or early 30s.
  • “Ninety percent of men who have graduated from college are ready for the next step between ages twenty-six and thirty-three…But this window of opportunity stays open only for four to five years, and then the changes a man will marry start to decline.” (3)
  • Aim for men who are between ages 28-33.

There are “Stringer” Men Who Have no Intention of Marrying Anyone

  • Have you ever met a man who told you that he’s had several long-term relationships? That man is likely a “Stringer,” a man who enjoys the companionship of women, but has no interest in committing long-term to one specific person.
  • “A stringer is a man who strings women along….He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.”(11)
  • Make a deadline for the stringer to commit: “If he doesn’t commit to you within six months, get rid of him….He may tell you that you’re coming on too strong. He may complain that the two of you haven’t been going together long enough, that he doesn’t know, that he hasn’t made up his mind. In fact, he is likely to tell you anything that will get you to stick around without his needing to make a commitment. Don’t fall for it. The chances a stringer will marry are very slim; he is simply not the marrying kind.”

Some Men are Bachelor’s for Life

  • If you are dating a man in his late forties, it is likely that he will never get married. It is a much better idea to date a man in that age range who has been widowed or divorced, than to marry an older man who has never gotten married.
  • “Once men reach age forty-seven to fifty without marrying, the chances they will marry do not disappear but they drop dramatically.” (10)

Many Men Hate Women

  • Finally, there is a special group of men to avoid—those that think that the majority of women are gold-digging whores. These men distrust women, and think that there are no benefits to getting married (never mind that marriage is the best way to provide a stable home for children or that very few cohabiting relationships tend to last more than a few years).
  • Many men look at women and marriage as poor financial investments. “The irony is that many of the men who spoke this way really didn’t have all that much anyway…If a man talks of marriage as a financial game in which women are out to make their fortunes, don’t just walk away—run! Such men are hardly ever going to be the marrying kind.”

Other Points to Remember

  • Think long and hard about dating someone whose parents had a tumultuous marriage or divorce. Not everyone who has experienced family issues at home are damaged goods obviously, but you should pay attention to how he feels about marriage and divorce.
  • See if he has friends who have are married. If all of his friends are living the single life, he probably will not want to get married yet.
  • Check to see if you have the same values. “Men often marry women whose backgrounds—religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status—match theirs. “Are you both from the same socioeconomic class? Do you belong to the same religion?
  • See if he lives alone because men who live as independent adults are more likely to marry.

Have you ever wasted time on the wrong guy? Talk about it below!

 

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Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

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If you’re dating, it’s normal for you to feel that you might not be emotionally or sexually compatible with your date. It’s quite another thing for you to feel so repulsed by your date that you never want to speak to them again, even just to give them the courtesy of telling them that you do not want to go out on a second date. When a guy does not call, text or email you after a date, it is usually because something happened during the date that turned him off completely (of course, the reversal also happens when you don’t feel like calling the guy after a date). What would make a guy choose to run for the hills after meeting you? That is the question dating coach Rachel Greenwald asks in her book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date.” In the book, Greenwald reveals the insights gained from interviewing 1,000 single men about why they did not call back after a date.

BookThe book shares honest and raw feedback from men who complained about everything from messy eaters to loquacious talkers to neurotic planners. What is interesting about the book is that the majority of the men admitted to dismissing women for very clear and consistent reasons. Some dismissal reasons were obvious, but others were easy to miss. We all know that men do not like bossy and men women (those were the top two reasons to dismiss a woman), but it is less known that men are intimidated by pampered princesses or that they hate cynical women.

Greenwald personified all of the male date-breakers into what she calls “dating stereotypes.” The Boss Lady is the number cited reason for a no-callback, and The Blahs comes in at a close second. Out of the 4,152 dates described by men in Greenwald’s survey, here are the top 11 reasons why men aren’t calling women back after a first date (listed in order of mentions):

  1. She is bossy and unfeminine (NUMBER ONE REASON)
  2. She is boring or not as interesting as her online persona
  3. She lied about her appearance or attitude in some way
  4. She is rich or spoiled
  5. She wants to know where things are going…way too soon
  6. She reveals too much personal information too quickly
  7. She is mean, uncaring or self-centered
  8. She is cynical or hypercritical
  9. She mentions her ex
  10. She talks way too much
  11. She takes the lead too much

*Honorable mention: Many men interviewed said that it’s a turnoff if the relationship moves to physical intimacy too soon. In fact, some say casual sex is temporarily fun and easy, yet boring. One man said “It’s like doing halfies–the body without the heart.” He says the cuddling, if there is any, is fake.

Photo by Pexels Coffee mug apple iphone.
Photo by Pexels

Greenwald asks readers to recognize themselves in the character stereotypes, and work on ways to appear less irritating to their dates. For instance, women who tend to be dominating and bossy on their dates could benefit by finding ways to show their nurturing side on their dates. Also, women who tend to be highly conscientious or aggressive at work could benefit from relaxing on their dates and refraining from asking probing questions about the future (i.e., never ask a man on a first date if he plans to get married or have a family).

I highly recommend the book, as it helped me learn that I can be too aggressive on my dates by asking my dates about their intentions for the future. Asking too soon about a man’s intentions or hopes for the future can squash any spontaneity or excitement from the date. Asking about a man’s intentions also does not seem to be a very effective way to find the information that you’re seeking. Anyone can lie and say that they are looking for a relationship when they actually want a hookup; likewise, a person can say that they looking for a hookup but could still be open to being in a long-term relationship with the right woman. It’s best to pay attention to a man’s actions to determine whether he is interested in getting more than sex from you.

Which date-breaker rules are you violating? To get the precise answer, Greenwald recommends having a friend, coach or counselor conduct an exit interview with a person who did not call you back after a date. She says that exit interviews can provide insight into negative patterns that you may be making on your dates. She includes an Exit Interview script in her book that is very informative.

Are you willing to have a friend call a person that you once dated to find out what went wrong? Share in the comments below!

Read more: Ladies Shut Their Mouths

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Bossy or Feminine? How to Take the Pants Off After Work

Photo of women and men

Are you successful in your dating life, but unsuccessful in your love life? While it’s easy to say that men are intimidated by your success, the odds are that the reality of the situation is much different. What is more likely is that you are bringing the masculine skills that you use at work into your dating relationships, and it is a major turn off for the men you are dating. I’m not knocking successful working womenit’s great that you have figured out a way to support yourself by being direct, aggressive, competitive and goal-oriented at work. I am instead knocking women who have not figured out that you cannot carry over your aggressiveness and competitiveness into your dating life and expect men to fall in love with you. Men fantasize about Sofia Vergara’s curves and softness, not Hillary Clinton’s crisp grey pantsuit.

I learned this first-hand from an experience I had with an ex-boyfriend. We were once sharing stories about ex-spouses, and he mentioned that he dated a successful financial manager. He told me that he had to break up with her because she was too controlling. She would decide everything, from where they would go to eat or watch a movie, and by the end of their relationship, she was even giving him orders when they were at home like he was her employee. I remember him saying “If I have to deal with orders all day at work, why would I want to come home to someone causing problems too?”

In this case, the woman did not understand that she has to be nurturing with her spouse, not cold, combative and domineering. Most women do not know that they are behaving this way with men unfortunately, and it shows in research. In the book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date,” 1,000 men surveyed say that they are turned off the most by masculine, argumentative and controlling women. In fact, a large percentage of men surveyed for that book say that they are more likely to dismiss women for bossy behavior than any other kind of behavior. The men classified bossy women in six ways: controlling, argumentative, competitive, unfeminine, excessively independent, and unnurturing.

Since heterosexual men are attracted to women, it makes sense that they are not attracted to masculine women. They want feminine, caring women. In fact, many men surveyed say that the preferred jobs for their future wife are schoolteachers, nurses or chefs. How can you tell if you are a bossy, unfeminine woman? Here are a few questions for you, adapted from “Why He Didn’t Call You Back”:

  • Have you ever said “I want a man, but I don’t need one!”
  • Has anyone ever told you “You’d make a great lawyer”?
  • Do you usually organize events and outings?
  • Have you ever went on a date wearing your work clothes?
  • Do you think you can be defensive?
  • Do you think your career defines you?

How You Can Be Less of a Bossy Lady

Let the man take the lead: Try to manage your controlling side by relaxing and letting the man decide the date location. Or, if you’re already in a relationship, always ask for your spouse’s input on all couple decisions, no matter how small. The man needs to take the lead, or at least feel like he is taking the lead and making decisions. That is the way the world works, and you need to accept that the man needs to feel like a man.

Leave work at work: Don’t spend more than a few minutes talking about work with a date, if you are dating, otherwise, your date will feel like a business dinner.

Dress like a lady: Don’t go on a date wearing your work clothes. Your date clothes should reveal some, but not a lot, of skin. You should be wearing a feminine dress or fitting skirt on a date, not a suit or baggy shift dress.

Find ways to be kind: You job as a woman is to make your man feel as though your existence makes life easier for him than if he lived without you. Figure out a way to be kind and give gifts to your spouse or date. In the book, the author discussed the way one woman would have a bowl of peanuts ready for her husband when he returned home every night from work. Find ways to be kind on a regular basis to your spouse.

Seek therapy: It can be difficult to be a modern woman because we have to find ways to juggle one aggressive personality at work, and another personality at home with our spouses, friends and family. If you have a hard time turning off your workplace behavior, consider going to a therapist or counselor to learn how to better control your masculine impulses (because it’s interfering with your love life!).

Read more: Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

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Are You Living in the City of Love?

sea-sunset-beach-couple
sea-sunset-beach-couple
Photo by Pexels.

I just moved to a city that has the highest levels of single men to single women in the country, and I am loving every minute of it. There are so many single, high-paid men here that one matchmaking service, called the Dating Ring, even launched a crowdfunded campaign to send New York’s single women to meet all of my new city’s “eligible bachelors.” Ah yes, the dating scene is wonderful here.

Friends, I now live in San Francisco. I moved to California a few months ago to get away from the brutal cold winters and fast-paced life of the East Coast. I also knew that I wanted to make finding a husband a bigger priority this year, so I decided to move to a city where the odds of finding a suitable mate are much higher. I first decided to pack up and relocate to the West after reading Richard Florida’s book “Who’s Your City,” which explores the impact that a person’s place of residency can exert over the jobs and careers they have access to, the people they meet and their “mating markets” and their ability to lead happy and fulfilled lives. In the book, Florida ranks Canadian and U.S. cities by life-stage, rating the best places for singles, young families and empty-nesters.

Singles graph
Singles graph

In the past few weeks since I have moved here, I have received hundreds of online dating messages from guys and I have gone on at least 15 dates with men in the San Francisco area looking to settle down. The majority of these men work in the technology industry in some way, with most of the guys being software engineers. I could be imagining things, but there seems to be more men at bars and restaurants in the city. I’ve noticed that men are much friendlier here on the streets, at the pier, in cafes and in libraries. People actually smile here! The high number of men here has created a sort of dilemma for me: I’d love to meet more women at social events around the city because I want to have more female friends here, but all I keep meeting are more men.

Pew Research on suitable cities for singles.
Pew Research on suitable cities for singles.

I am having a great time here in the Bay Area, but a single North American woman needn’t move all the way here to find a spouse. The Pew Research Center recently published a list of the best and worst cities for women looking to marry. At the top of their list? Silicon Valley. Here’s more:

“For women seeking a male partner with a job, our analysis found that San Jose, Calif., tops the list among large metro areas, with 114 single employed men for every 100 single women. Among all single young adults, there were 141 men for every 100 women in this area. Over half (57%) of young adults ages 25 to 34 in the metro area, which includes Sunnyvale and Santa Clara, were single in 2012.”

Would you move to find a spouse? Reply in the comments below!

Read more: A Time to Wait for Love

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Four Major Issues Men Face

Teamster strike

I can’t help but feel that many so-called experts are wrong when they say that men are poor communicators…The problem today is that society is not listening to what men have to say if they do open up, at the same time, the risks for men in talking about these politically charged issues keep them silent, making it hard to glean the truth.” – Helen Smith author of Men on Strike

Helen Smith
Helen Smith

In her controversial book Men on Strike, psychologist (and female author) Helen Smith explores the anti-male challenges today’s men face in nearly every facet of the lives, thanks in part to the rise of misandristic policies created and supported by feminists. In the book, Smith argues that men are opting out of excelling in school, marrying, and starting their own families because society has devalued the number of incentives men used to enjoy for being responsible figures to their families and communities. Men now face an environment where they are vilified on college campus, punished harshly in family court and mocked ruthlessly as bumbling fools in film and television.

Book Takeaways

Smith argues that men face a number of major issues that are often overlooked by the mainstream (read: feminist-controlled) media and political sphere:

Lack of reproductive rights

In the United States, men do not have basic reproductive or paternity rights, and are often held responsible to contribute to child support for children who are not their biologically offspring (i.e., paternity fraud). During divorce proceedings, many divorce courts do not take account the wife’s infidelity. More than one million American men face what’s called paternity discrepancy, a phenomenon where men are unknowingly caring for children who were fathered by other men. When it comes to child support, men are more likely to be awarded support and more likely to pay more: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2011, 32 percent of custodial fathers didn’t receive the child support that had been awarded to them, compared with 25.1 percent of custodial mothers. In 2011, America’s custodial fathers were owed a total of $1.7 billion and custodial mothers were owed $12.1 billion (…though single mothers outnumber single fathers 9 to 1).

Ostracization in schools

Males are failing school at an alarming rate. Boys are 30 percent more likely than girls to flunk or drop out of school. Many experts say that the very nature of the schooling system is anti-male: Boys are likely to get into more trouble than girls because of their higher activity level. Physical activity is low in school because they spend too much time sitting and not enough time learning by doing, making and building things. “The culture of schools, especially for young children, is much more feminine than masculine,” said Joseph Tobin, professor of Early Childhood Education at Arizona State University and author of Good Guys Don’t Wear Hats. “There are almost no male early childhood educators. Many teachers of young children find boys’ interests in violence, gross things, and bodily functions to be boring or stupid.”

At the college level, women outnumber men in higher education with 56 percent of bachelor’s degrees and 55 percent of graduate degrees going to women. Men are often targeted on college campuses in unfair ways—men’s only groups are frowned upon and males must endure sexual harassment lectures and workshops where they are made to feel like predators. Title IX has drastically changed colleges by requiring schools with relatively few males to have fewer male teams.

Diminishing due process

If you follow the mainstream media, it appears sexual assault incidents have increased on college campuses. The truth is that colleges (pdf) have changed the way that they categorize rape to include all incidents where women engaged in sex while intoxicated (err…because only men can be held responsible when they are drunk?). College campuses are swiftly prosecuted sexual harassment claims so that they can continue to receive federal funding under Title IX of the Civil Rights Act, which prohibits discrimination on the basis of sex. In 2011, Russlynn Ali, assistant secretary for Civil Rights at the Department of Education, circulated a Dear Colleague letter requesting that schools curtail due process rights of men accused of sexual harassment.

Lack of male spaces

As more women become students and join male-dominated industries, men have fewer and fewer places to bond with other men. Discrimination laws have essentially banned fraternal lodges, male-only clubs, boxing gyms and private male restaurants. Even within the home, men are often subjected to carving out their own personal spaces (i.e., man caves) free from their spouses and children. Garages, attics and basements have become designated spaces for men.

Book Downsides

First there were too many generalizations in the book. Much of the text included blog comments and informal responses from male speakers. I would have preferred that Smith include much more scientific research in the book to substantiate her claims that men are unfairly targeted by society. For example, we all know that men are asked to pay exorbitant amounts of child support every month, so it would have been nice if Smith include studies about child support payments in the U.S. To be fair, Smith mentioned in her book introduction that more research is needed on the subject of male discrimination.

Second, I disagreed with Smith on a number of points, the first being that men are subjected to unfair reproductive policies. The varying nature of reproductive rights between men and women can be explained by the differences in our biology. Women must bear the physical ramifications, risks and consequences for giving birth and having children, which explains why women enjoy more reproductive rights and privileges. It should be a woman’s choice if she chooses to have an abortion. That being said, I agree with Smith than men are unfairly held responsible for children once they are born—a woman can choose to give a child up for adoption without the father’s consent, while men do not have the same option.

I have a personal bone to pick with Smith’s recommendation that men make it a habit to test all of their children to establish paternity. Let’s not forget that not all paternity tests are accurate! In fact, paternity test results are notoriously unreliable, and blindly trusting those tests can have lifelong devastating consequences (see here). In my own family, an incorrect paternity test gave one of my relatives an excuse to walk out on his daughter nearly thirty years ago—how might everyone’s lives been impacted differently if a second “quality control” paternity test was taken?

Finally, Smith recommends that men move in with their girlfriends before they get married to test the relationship. We at Ladies Again know that that is a terrible idea—couples who live together before an engagement are more likely to experience poorer communication, lower levels of commitment to the relationship, and greater marital instability down the road. Multiple studies have shown that those who live with their partners before an engagement are less dedicated before, and even after, marriage.

Read next: There are Better Ways to Overcome Discrimination

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How to Find a Husband Who Really Gets You

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I’m in love with all of the knowledge and insights packed in psychologist Meg Jay’s book “The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter—and how to make the most of them now.” It is for this reason that I decided to break down her guidebook into parts, dissecting each chapter into tidbits that will help us on our quest to pursue femininity. As a psychologist who has all too often listened to confused and underemployed thirtysomethings who wasted their early years, Jay offers helpful advice for young men and women swimming in the sea of youth. The book encourages young adults to remember that their twenties do indeed matter and have an effect on the rest of their lives.

I found some of the best takeaways from her book in her chapters in love, marriage and relationships. She encourages young men and women to take their dating lives seriously while they are in their twenties, rather than play the field and engage in casual sex. Jay argues that romantic relationships are important because they offer people the opportunities to pick and create their own families.

“There is something scary about picking your family,” Jay writes. “It’s not romantic. It means you aren’t just waiting for your soulmate to arrive. It means you know you are making decision that will affect the rest of your life…Twentysomethings who aren’t at least a little scared about their relationships are often the ones who are being the least thoughtful.”

Jay implores her readers to be thoughtful in several relationship arenas: Selecting a mate carefully, refusing to move in together (unless you are already engaged), choosing to marry young and deciding to have children early. As a single young woman is who currently dating, I was particularly interested in her advice on mate selection. She encourages young singles to think less about their deal breakers and more about selecting a spouse based on personality traits. Eliminate potential suitors only on extreme differences in values, goals or personality.

“One match maker to consider is personality,” she writes. “Some research tells us that, especially in young couples, the more similar two people’s personalities are, the more likely they are to be satisfied with their relationship. Yet personality is how dating, and even married, couples tend to be least alike.”

You don’t need to take an official test to determine your personality traits. Instead, decide where your personality falls on the Big Five personality test, which identifies five factors that describe how people interact with the world. Neuroticism, which is the tendency to be anxious, critical and moody, is “more predictive of relationship unhappiness and dissolution than is personality dissimilarity.”

Big Five Personality Test

In the book, Jay provides an example of a patient named Eli, a young man who is high on Openness and Extraversion, and low on Conscientiousness and Neuroticism. Eli is a poor match for his girlfriend, a withdrawn and responsible person who is low on Openness and Extraversion, but high on Conscientiousness and Neuroticism. This couple needs to break up because their personalities are too different for the relationship to work.

So what if the guy you like isn’t very romantic or likes watching listening to sports talk instead of NPR? Forget the trivial details and choose a spouse with a personality that is similar to yours. Here’s solid advice from Jay: “The more similar people are, the more they are able to understand each other…Two people who are similar are going to have the same reactions to a rainy day, a new car, a long vacation, an anniversary, a Sunday morning, and a big party.”

Read next: More Texts from the Nice Guy

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Why Modern Women are Miserable

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In a way, the situation women wake up in today is more dire than the one of thirty years ago…Despite sweeping government programs, tens of billions of dollars in social spending, and massive social upheaval in the name of sexual equality, you have to glance through a newspaper or switch on the news to be subject to a litany of gloomy statistics about today’s women: We are more likely to be divorced or never married at all than women of previous generations.We are more likely to bear children out of wedlock. We are more likely to be junkies or drunks or to die in poverty. We are more likely to have an abortion or catch a sexually-transmitted disease. If we are mothers, even of infants and very small children, we are more likely to work at full-time jobs and still shoulder the bulk of housework as well.

Photo by Nathan Rupert via Flickr
Photo by Nathan Rupert via Flickr

Conservative commentator Danielle Crittenden made those observations more than 15 years ago in her book “What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman,” and every word expressed in the book rings as true then as it does now. In the book, Crittenden takes feminists to task, arguing that their aggressive push for complete equality in workplaces, bedrooms, marriages and the military has caused women to ignore critical gender differences between men and women that have shaped societal norms and rules for hundreds years. Radical feminist policies have created societies where women have more rights in the workplace, the voting booth and the bedroom, but have fewer opportunities to have children, faithful relationships with men and stable marriages.

WhatOurMothers book.What is unfortunate is that the book, which was published in 1999, can still be considered a fair and accurate critique of the dating and workplace issues women are struggling with now. If anything, relationships between men and women have downgraded further, which is evident with the growing popularity of the pick-up artist subculture that encourages men to have one-night stands with women and the explosion of anti-male sentiments that have led feminists to defend women who lied about being raped (see “Columbia Mattress Girl” and “UVA Liar”).

Crittenden argues that the unhappiness women experience today is the inevitable result of feminist ideologies that encourage young women to have sex indiscriminately with men (even though most women actually want committed relationships), teach women to think of marital dependency as oppressive and constricting (even though a great marriage must consist of two people fully committed to the relationship, not just two independent people living together) and tell women to reject full-time motherhood (even though full-time care is best for young children).

Trying to lead identical lives as men has made women miserable—particularly women who did not realize that they needed to spend their younger and fertile years wisely planning for marriage, and children. And Crittenden is right that gender differences need to be contemplated more—women are fertile for a significantly shorter time than men, women want to spend more time with their children and women age differently (i.e., a successful man is marriage material at any age, while a successful older women is not as desirable).

“What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us” changed my life by introducing me to traditional and conservative viewpoints on dating, marriage and childrearing. The book is my Red Pill. Before I read the text, I knew that I didn’t want to end up like some of my stressed out office colleagues, who worked long hours and frequently put their jobs before their own children. I also knew that I wanted nothing to do with the hookup culture of having casual sex with strangers—I knew that I wanted commitment. This book helped me to better understand the reasoning behind many of the fears and anxieties I felt about dating, marriage, divorce, aging and work. I highly recommend the book for anyone who wants to learn more about why the current dating market is not working.

Best Takeaways

  • “If young, attractive women offer no-strings-attached sex, then men will have no pressing reason to tie themselves down. This might be of little concern to a woman who is not yet ready to settle down, but sooner or later it will become of urgent concern.” (“What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us,” 43)
  • “All the sexual bravado a girl may possess evaporates the first time a boy she truly cares for makes it clear that he has no further use for her after his own body has been satisfied. No amount of feminist posturing, no amount of reassurances that she doesn’t need a guy like that anyway, can protect her from the pain and humiliation of those awful moments after he’s gone, when she’s alone and feeling not sexually empowered but discarded. It doesn’t take most women long to figure out that sexual liberty is not the same thing as sexual equality.” (31)
  • “If previous generations of women were raised to believe that they could only realize themselves within the roles of wife and mother, now the opposite is thought true: It’s only outside these roles that we are able to realize our full potential and worth as human beings…How often have you watched a TV show or seen a movie or read a novel in which a woman is celebrated for finding the courage “to be herself” by leaving a marriage or starting a new career or telling a boorish husband he’ll have to make his own dinner from now own? Her actions are not seen as selfish—or when they are, her selfishness is seen as payback for all the centuries of women’s selflessness and sacrifice to men.” (60-62)
  • “Elaborate rituals that used to govern relations between the sexes were based on the understanding that women, as child bearers, required the protection of society against men who might recklessly use and abandon them.” (42)
  • What a woman is aware of, at around the age of twenty-six or twenty-seven, is a growing, inchoate dissatisfaction, a yearning for more, even if her life is already quite full…She starts noticing the mothers all around her—especially young, attractive mothers—pushing strollers down the street, cooing at their babies in supermarkets, and loading up their shopping carts…Alas, it is usually at precisely this moment—when a single woman looks up from her work and realizes she’s ready to take on family life—that men make themselves most absent. This is when the cruelty of her singleness really sets in, when she becomes aware of the fine print in the unwritten bargain she has cut with the opposite sex. Men will outlast her. Men, particularly successful men, will be attractive and virile into their fifties. (66-67).
  • If we are not willing to do much for our husbands, we can hardly expect them to be willing to do much for us…The long-term surrender of their freedom, the unshrinking shouldering of the financial burdens of a family—the sacrifices they used to make in exchange for a woman’s agreement to run the home—are sacrifices fewer men are willing to make. Women have gained the right to move into all spheres of society; men, from their point of view, have only lost their right to domestic comfort. (94)
  • By encouraging men and women to strive for this sort of precise equality within marriage, we have left women and their children much more vulnerable to the whims of their husbands than ever before. The protections the law once afforded to women who made economic sacrifices for their families no longer exist. They were abolished when we rewrote the divorce law in the name of sexual equality. (98)
  • It will be even tougher for a woman to take time out from her job to stay home with her kids if, before giving birth, she’s been especially adamant about the fairness and equality of her marriage. Asking her husband to shoulder the whole burden of being the breadwinner will not necessarily strike him as “fair” or “equal.” (100)
  • This loss of faith in marriage explains why my generation may be so zealous about making sure their marriages are so equal: A modern couple’s desire to keep their arrangement strictly balanced, at all levels, is actually a way of protecting each partner’s self-interest in the event that the marriage dissolves. (104)
  • Of course, no woman should cease to be loved simply because she is old. But a society that refuses to acknowledge that age touches women very differently from the way it touches men—a society that shrugs as good enough marriages are dissolved after twenty or thirty years—is a society condemning millions of women to loneliness.” (153).
  • It may not be so ironic then, that the happiest memoirs among the elders of the women’s movement are by those who led the most conventionally female lives…Betty Friedan takes enormous pleasure in watching her own children become parents and in being a grandmother…Meanwhile, Gloria Steinem, alone in her fifties, devotes herself to writing a book about finding self-esteem. (160)

Downsides

Crittenden writes much of the book in a broad narrative style that includes many generalizations about women. Though, as a young woman who is in her twenties, I know much of Crittenden’s observations to be true, it would be nice if she included statistical data to back up many of her claims. For example, when talking about working mothers, she writes, “Yet whether you work because you want to or because you have to, the outcome for women is the same—the nagging, underlying worry that what you are doing is hurting those you love most.” It would have been nice in that instance to read about findings from a study on the guilt or anxiety working mothers may feel.

Overall Opinion

The book sparked my interest in the Red Pill/manosphere subculture because it encouraged me to accept my own womanly inclinations. It’s why I can now recite 20 facts about sex and dating that feminists don’t want you to know. I stopped ignoring and dismissing my desire to get married and have children, and I stopped putting my career on such a high pedestal. I highly recommend the book and I plan to give copies to young women in my family and social circle.

Now, I encourage others to do their part to build and support feminine, family-oriented women. What are you doing to help teach young ladies about traditional family values? Start working to change the tide today by sharing helpful information with impressionable women:

Read next: How to Avoid Being Accidently Childless

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Nonnegotiables for Feminine Women

Couple Moving In

Authors Suzanne Venker and Phyllis Schlafly argue a good case for political conservatism in “The Flipside of Feminism: What Conservative Women Know―and Men Can’t Say,” a book that explores the ways that feminism has negatively affected American politics, culture and society. According to the authors, feminism, at its core, is about power for the liberal left. Liberal power elites in the U.S. do not want equality because they want a matriarchy instead. “Flipside” authors argue that powerful feminists are using their power in media, politics, education and entertainment to convince others that women are being oppressed, marriage and motherhood are outdated and unnecessary and that gender roles are irrelevant.

Flipside Book
Flipside Book

The book explores topics typically undermined or wholly ignored by feminists, such as the physical and emotional consequences of casual sex, the impacts of divorce on children, the stress of balancing a family and a high-power career and the relationship between age and fertility. The authors argue that women need to be more conservative in their approach to family life and career selection.

They argue that women need to adopt three critical nonnegotiables to their life planning strategy (excerpted from the book):

  1. Casual sex is a dead-end street, and cohabitation does not lead to a successful marriage.
  2. Marriage is the ultimate goal, and divorce should not be assumed to be an option.
  3. Children need, deserve, and want to be raised by their own parents, who are married to each other.

Best Takeaways

  • “Feminists have been successful in getting the majority of Americans to believe that millions of women in the 1950s all realized simultaneously that they were ‘entitled’ to a life outside the home and then expressed this desire only to encounter discrimination at every turn. What was really happening was that technological advances were producing so many labor-saving devices, such as dishwashers and dryers, that women didn’t have to spend as much time on household chores…Women began entering the workforce―and they did so without feminism.” (35)
  • “The truth is that feminism has been the single worst thing that has happened to American women. It did not liberate women at all―it confused them…Their female nature tells them sex requires love; marriage is important; children are a blessing; and men are necessary. The culture, meanwhile, tells them to sleep around and postpone family life because that will cost them their identity. (55)
  • “One reason women are confused about sex is that they’re constantly barraged with politically correct images of men and women hooking up indiscriminately, under the promise that such behavior is empowering to women. They never see the fallout of such behavior.” (63)
  • “Married couples no longer think of themselves as one unit but as separate entities sharing space, which leads to an obscuring of gender roles and inevitable conflict as each spouse focuses solely on his or her own needs rather than the needs of the marriage.” (75)
  • “Any story that portrays women as victims, or portrays women in search of their identity in the absences of a husband and children, is a shoo-in for mainstream media publicity.” (83)
  • “The inconvenient truth is that many careers do not offer women the flexibility they want. If you plan to be a doctor, lawyer, or business executive, your family life will suffer―period. The men and women who pursued these foals have paid a big price for their achievement in the long hours they must commit to their careers.” (116)
    “Disregarding a man’s work ethic and work prospects means women may be forced to remain in the workforce to keep the family afloat―and many will come to regret this.” (117)
CoupleMovingIn
This couple is making a mistake if they move in before marriage.

Downsides

The book gave good advice for single women looking for a husband, but it did not include suggestions on how to stop elite feminists from shaping politics and the news media. Where should conservative women go to for unbiased news information? Which political leaders are helping traditional- and family-oriented women?

Overall Opinion

The book is a good read for readers who are new to the traditional women/anti-feminist book world. The book is highly recommended.

Read next: Why Modern Women are Miserable

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Comfy Feet While Wearing High Heels

Photo by Calvin Fleming via Flickr

The contest to win a free Ladies Again swag bag is still underway. So, keep sending us your pictures of your favorite pair of pumps!

In the mean time, people will tell you that pretty hurts. Well, we at Ladies Again know the feeling. That’s why we have taken the time out to compile our favorite youtube resources to encourage comfort and safety even as you strut your stuff.

You can find more resources in the High Heels Academy section of our Book of the Month!

How to Make Your High Heels Feel More comfortable (from amiclubwear)

5 Tips to Make Your Heels Comfortable (from AprilAthena7)

5 Ways to Stretch Your Shoes At Home (from POPSUGAR Fashion)

A Tango Dancer wears high heels all day long with the help of something called Insolia (by Insolia Heels)

 

How to Walk in Heels with No Pain (Evelina)

How to Walkin in Heels like a Pro and Minimize Pain (from beautyprofessional74)

~::*BONUS VIDEO*::~

How to Make Shoes that a 2 sizes smaller fit (from glamazontay)

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Science Shows: High Heels do not Oppress Women, They Make Us Awesome!

Heel_Photo by Adrigu
The Repentant Testimony of a Manolo Convert: A fashion fairy tale that tells the truth about high heels
The Repentant Testimony of a Manolo Convert: A fashion fairy tale that tells the truth about high heels

It’s Wednesday! That means today’s article is going to focus on the topic of our Book of the Month.

This month’s book is in honor of our “New Year, New You” promotion: 31 Days of Heels!

It’s funny, everyone uses that phrase “new year, new you”, but very few people can actually deliver on the promise of offering a person a solution that will actually produce a physiological effect in the way they are perceived by others.

That’s why we’ve chosen to focus on the high heel for this promotion, because it’s one of the quickest non-medical procedures that have been scientifically proven to be an empowerment tool for women.

It’s sounds incredible, but just quickly slipping on a pair of Jimmy Choo’s can not only increase a woman’s sex appeal, but also her power to influence. That is what evolutionary psychology researcher, Dr. Nicholas Gueguen found in his 2014 paper entitled: “High heels increase women’s attractiveness” which is summarized here.

That was also the backdrop of chapter three of “The Testimony of a Manolo Convert” entitled “The Jimmy Choo effect”. In the book we find out what happens when the protagonist, Rebecca Sharp, finds herself living out a real life version of Dr. Gueguen’s experiment.

Writing that chapter was fun for me, because I have a really scientific mind and I thought it would be fun to write an experiment so perfect that it had the fewest possible variables imaginable.

I’m really curious to know what other readers thought of that chapter. If you’re reading along share your thoughts below in the comments or email us at lilacblue[at]ladiesagain.com.

And if you haven’t picked up your copy of “The Repentant Testimony of a Manolo Convert” yet, click the link in our library section on the side bar or find it on Amazon so you can join the conversation while it’s still going on!

C’iao!

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