The Worst Role Model

Huma Abedin
Huma Abedin
Huma Abedin

With the U.S. presidential election coming up in a few weeks, much of the world’s attention is focused on learning more about Hillary Clinton. While there’s quite a bit that could be written about Clinton, the Hildabeast that may likely become the first female president of America, I’d like to focus on a more interesting character in the Clinton circle: Huma Abedin, Clinton’s her right-hand woman and professional aide.

Never before have I seen a woman made up of so many contradictions and twisting plotlines. She is so polished and calculating, but made of so many mistakes. On many levels, I am fascinated by Abedin because her life has taken a course that I no interest in following. She is the opposite of a role model. If anything, she serves as a public guideline for how not to live.

The first and foremost mistake that Abedin has made is that she married a scheming, lying sham of a man, named Anthony Weiner. Heard of him? He’s the former New York congressman who was first caught texting another woman (outside of his marriage to Abedin) while running for public office. I originally dismissed the first texting scandal as temporary marital strife in the Weiner home, and none of my personal business. But then, he got caught texting his penis a second time shortly after the incident.

At the time, I thought, it was just bad timing. He probably should have known not to do it again, especially so soon to the first texting incident. He was laughed out of Congress. Then, years later, Weiner attempted to make a comeback by running for mayor of New York City, but was caught sexting other women again! His bid for mayor failed. Then most recently, he was caught texting a photo of his penis to a woman—while his infant son lie on the bed next to him.

Anthony Weiner sexting.
Weiner sexting

Weiner flagrant extramarital affairs were hard to understand. It was even harder to understand why Abedin remained so loyal to him, especially given the negative impact that her association with Weiner could have had on her career. And what kind of person would marry someone as crazy as Weiner in the first place? I can think of two theories: First, she wanted to stay married for her son’s benefit and/or marriage is frowned upon by her family. Second, she may have thought that being faithful and loyal to Weiner will make her look like a hero in the long run, because after all, it worked so well for Hillary after the Bill Clinton affair.

The last theory is the most probable I think, but it’s hard to imagine why someone would stay married to a man who continued to disrespect her. Lastly, Abedin might also be crazy or egomaniacal too, and just wanted to be married to someone powerful. Was it possible that Abedin is just as unstable as Weiner? It turns out that Abedin may have known that he was a bad apple from the very beginning. In an interview, Abedin said that she walked out on Weiner on their first date. And yet, she married him even still.

The second crazy thing about her is her unwavering dedication to Hillary Clinton. I do not want to get on a soapbox about how wrong Clinton is for the country, but I know that anyone who is an ally with her is also probably wrong too. Abedin has testified in court in defense of Clinton, and she even had Clinton preside over her wedding, for goodness sake.

Lastly, Abedin is, in all outward aspects, a very feminine woman. She understands the importance of color-coding and matching, and she makes sure that her hair and makeup looks fantastic on a regular basis. I think it is wonderful that she takes care of herself, but it’s also a bit contradictory that she works in such a cut-throat industry. After all, her work with Clinton at Department of State involved conversations about drone strikes, refugee camps and military interventions. Not so glamorous. Nevertheless, Vogue recognized her many years ago for her sense of fashion, but neglected to discuss the much seedier side of the work that she does everyday.

Abedin may now have it all together in her personal life, but her professional life is most certainly on a steep incline (after all, we know that women can’t really have it all). It is shocking that a woman who made such a poor choice by marrying and staying loyal to Weiner may soon serve as the top aide to the president of the United States. As more and more women turn away from feminism, I hope that they will look to Abedin as an example of how not to live.

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Bossy or Feminine? How to Take the Pants Off After Work

Photo of women and men

Are you successful in your dating life, but unsuccessful in your love life? While it’s easy to say that men are intimidated by your success, the odds are that the reality of the situation is much different. What is more likely is that you are bringing the masculine skills that you use at work into your dating relationships, and it is a major turn off for the men you are dating. I’m not knocking successful working womenit’s great that you have figured out a way to support yourself by being direct, aggressive, competitive and goal-oriented at work. I am instead knocking women who have not figured out that you cannot carry over your aggressiveness and competitiveness into your dating life and expect men to fall in love with you. Men fantasize about Sofia Vergara’s curves and softness, not Hillary Clinton’s crisp grey pantsuit.

I learned this first-hand from an experience I had with an ex-boyfriend. We were once sharing stories about ex-spouses, and he mentioned that he dated a successful financial manager. He told me that he had to break up with her because she was too controlling. She would decide everything, from where they would go to eat or watch a movie, and by the end of their relationship, she was even giving him orders when they were at home like he was her employee. I remember him saying “If I have to deal with orders all day at work, why would I want to come home to someone causing problems too?”

In this case, the woman did not understand that she has to be nurturing with her spouse, not cold, combative and domineering. Most women do not know that they are behaving this way with men unfortunately, and it shows in research. In the book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date,” 1,000 men surveyed say that they are turned off the most by masculine, argumentative and controlling women. In fact, a large percentage of men surveyed for that book say that they are more likely to dismiss women for bossy behavior than any other kind of behavior. The men classified bossy women in six ways: controlling, argumentative, competitive, unfeminine, excessively independent, and unnurturing.

Since heterosexual men are attracted to women, it makes sense that they are not attracted to masculine women. They want feminine, caring women. In fact, many men surveyed say that the preferred jobs for their future wife are schoolteachers, nurses or chefs. How can you tell if you are a bossy, unfeminine woman? Here are a few questions for you, adapted from “Why He Didn’t Call You Back”:

  • Have you ever said “I want a man, but I don’t need one!”
  • Has anyone ever told you “You’d make a great lawyer”?
  • Do you usually organize events and outings?
  • Have you ever went on a date wearing your work clothes?
  • Do you think you can be defensive?
  • Do you think your career defines you?

How You Can Be Less of a Bossy Lady

Let the man take the lead: Try to manage your controlling side by relaxing and letting the man decide the date location. Or, if you’re already in a relationship, always ask for your spouse’s input on all couple decisions, no matter how small. The man needs to take the lead, or at least feel like he is taking the lead and making decisions. That is the way the world works, and you need to accept that the man needs to feel like a man.

Leave work at work: Don’t spend more than a few minutes talking about work with a date, if you are dating, otherwise, your date will feel like a business dinner.

Dress like a lady: Don’t go on a date wearing your work clothes. Your date clothes should reveal some, but not a lot, of skin. You should be wearing a feminine dress or fitting skirt on a date, not a suit or baggy shift dress.

Find ways to be kind: You job as a woman is to make your man feel as though your existence makes life easier for him than if he lived without you. Figure out a way to be kind and give gifts to your spouse or date. In the book, the author discussed the way one woman would have a bowl of peanuts ready for her husband when he returned home every night from work. Find ways to be kind on a regular basis to your spouse.

Seek therapy: It can be difficult to be a modern woman because we have to find ways to juggle one aggressive personality at work, and another personality at home with our spouses, friends and family. If you have a hard time turning off your workplace behavior, consider going to a therapist or counselor to learn how to better control your masculine impulses (because it’s interfering with your love life!).

Read more: Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

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Why You Are Failing At Work-Life Balance

Photo by Mislav Marohnić Flickr

A Balanced Life is a Myth

I went for a two hour walk today. That means that there were a lot of things that did not get done. While I was walking I was listening to an audiobook my sister recommended entitled “The One Thing” by Gary Keller. Although, this book was not written specifically for women (in fact it is very popular in business circles amongst entrepreneurs), I think it has huge implications for womanhood and feminism. The book was simple, straight to the point, and surprisingly common sense. So common sense, in fact, that it was the epitome of the cliché that “common sense is not so common”. It said everything I have always thought, but have never been able to put into words and contained lots of surprisingly practical advice. This best-kept secret of productivity that Mr. Keller spoke about can be summed up into three words “the one thing”.

The One Thing

“The One thing” is a complicated yet simple idea that says (in entirely too simple words) that you can’t have it all. You have to choose. The book debunks myths like “the multi-tasking myth” and “the balanced life” myth, and explains to us that in order to be most effective in life we need to narrow down our focus. This probably sounds terribly limiting, but it’s actually not when you fully understand it. It is actually extremely freeing. In fact, as I listened to the audiobook, I got excited thinking about all the tedious and time-wasting tasks I hope to eliminate from my life to get down to the one thing.

dominos getting progressively larger
credit: the1thing.com

The Domino Effect

One of the first illustrations Keller described in the book was how a single domino can cause a ripple effect that knocks down a slew of other dominoes in succession. He then went on to discuss how a researcher found that a single domino can knock down a domino twice its size and that when the bigger domino does the same to another twice its own size and this pattern repeats, by the 57th domino, we’re knocking down a domino that reaches the moon!
This interesting narrative depicts the power of a small action having large effects. People in business often talk of the Pareto effect which states that 80 percent of all results come from 20 percent of all actions. What Keller is saying with the domino effect is that a person can narrow down their actions to a single action that by doing so it will make all other actions easier or unnecessary.

Why Women Need to Stop Competing With Men

At the end of the day, this has huge implications for women and feminism. Modern feminism pushes women to want to achieve more and more and multi-task and do EVERYTHING men are doing. The problem with this is that when your goal is to out-perform someone whose circumstances are not compatible with your own, you end up not doing what is best for yourself. As I said when I started this article, when you make a choice to do something, other things do not get done.

The One Thing Women Should Do

 

credit: the1thing.com
credit: the1thing.com

After listening to most of the book (I’m about 75 percent done), I have decided to cut a lot of the crazier things out of my life. Crazy goals, that while interesting, are ultimately meaningless to my quality of life; and crazy people, who waste my time and drive me to unproductive and unhealthy activities or just overall want to use me. Over a year ago, I completely stopped watching television, but I think that in order to become even more productive I need to cut out excessive internet activities as well. With all that being cut out, I should have more time for practicing cooking, spending time with family and achieving that one big impactful goal that is most meaningful to me. Keller says that everyone can begin by asking themselves one very important question: What is the one thing you can do right now that will make everything else easier or unnecessary? This question is a great place to start (and the book is a great place to continue), but as you begin to go down this rabbit hole, be prepared to let things go including your ego, pride, sense of entitlement and selfishness. Hopefully, it will lead you to at the end of your life having let go of the one thing most people cringe over: regret.

The fact of the matter is, the more you try to do, the less you get done. If you try to be a superwoman who sweeps up in the board room, your personal relationships will most likely suffer (and vice versa). So, my recommendation is sit down with yourself and figure out the one thing that would make your life meaningful. What is the one thing that will make your toil worth it in the end? Continue asking yourself, “what’s my one thing today?” I really believe that this little change will transform the quality of your entire life.

What’s your one thing?

Read Next: Feminist Lies: The Myth of Gender Equality and The Working Woman

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There are Better Ways to Overcome Discrimination

photo credit: i.telegraph.co.uk
photo credit: i.telegraph.co.uk

We say a lot against modern feminism on this blog, and I know there are people who visit this blog and wonder why we are so hard on feminists. Many of these people probably think that feminists have good intentions and that sexism is a huge problem that needs to be addressed and without these feminists it will not be addressed.

This could not be further from the truth. This is literally as far from the truth as you could possibly get. If the truth was a point, that statement would be the farthest point from that point.

First of all, let’s talk about how the modern first world feminists got it wrong?

Those who oppose modern feminism do so because we feel that modern feminism is no longer about empowering women, but emasculating men and seeking personal attention and glory for women. Modern feminism does less for women’s rights as it does not look at the variety of issues that women specifically face in the modern times. Instead it takes uncommon issues like sexual violence perpetrated by random strangers, and unfair wages and blows it out of proportion in order to undermine men. All the while, out shining the REAL victims of sexism in the developing world who are actually actively getting violently raped and trafficked as sex workers, abused by their husbands, mutilated and massacred.

photo credit: dynamicbusiness.com.au
photo credit: dynamicbusiness.com.au

Actually, there are real issues out there with regards to unequal and unfair treatment of women, but feminists cry wolf so much that identifying REAL problems is like finding needles in a haystack of bull crap! One of the biggest issues women face now-a-days are faced by the women who have chosen to pursue roles that were traditional filled by men, especially high level business roles as well as engineering and tech fields. In such cases, there is truly an undeniable “old boys club” to overcome when it comes to navigating the work environment. Generally, this old boys club is NOT VIOLENT and you will not get raped or groped. The worst treatment you might receive is being:

  • ignored
  • not taken seriously
  • talked down to
  • flirted with
  • ostracized

Many of these things are common and an unfortunate, unconscious reaction to newcomers. Other than being flirted with, all of these same reactions are received by anyone who enters a new social environment and does not immediately “fit the mold”. These things suck, but they are not insurmountable odds.

In her book, How to Get Whatever You Want Out of Life, Dr. Joyce Brothers dedicates an entire chapter to this. Note: At no point did the good doctor say that discrimination makes it impossible for a person to achieve what the title of the book promises to teach. In fact, what she says is this:

There is no point in carrying a chip on your shoulder because of discrimination. What will help is to be aware of the problems you face and learn how to handle them.

 

A lot of women (especially feminists) think that if it were more acceptable for women to act like men, or if society accepted that anything men can do women can also do (including perceived sexual liberality, aggressive language and behavior, as well as rudeness), then women would feel and be empowered. However, Dr. Brothers continues:

Even the women who slip easily into the masculine (read: tomboy) work-style have more than their share of problems.

She goes on to say that the root of the problems women face is simply male fear. As I said before, with all newcomers into an established social environment, the founding members of that group will inevitably feel threatened by you. Know this, and be prepared for it. That’s all you can do.

In her chapter about addressing discrimination in the work place, she says the Divide and Conquer strategy is the best way to go about it. Often times discrimination is most prevalent in a pack mindset. However, when you get people alone to deal with them one-on-one, they tend to be more malleable and able to be persuaded. I actually learned this principle when I did door-to-door sales a few years back. We were taught that when trying to sell a product (or idea), it’s much harder to sell to a group of people (like a husband and wife) than to an individual.

Dr. Brothers goes further in this chapter by describing a woman named Candace who was treated poorly as a result of discriminatory practices. She says:

The other brokers would have nothing to do with her. Research memos somehow got “lost” before they reached her desk. Her colleagues “forgot” to tell her about staff meetings. This went on for two months. Then Candace decided to do something about it.

The way Candace applied the Divide and Conquer strategy involved isolating the co-worker that has shown her the most kindness (regardless of his intentions) and offering him flattery and a show of good-will in exchange for a favor. She asked him for advice, because according to Dr. Brothers:

She…knew that his inbred courtesy would make it difficult for him to refuse a direct request for a favor.

Here is the exact method she used:

  1. She bought him lunch and asked for his advice on a fictitious project.
  2. She had tailored the request to her co-worker’s specialty.
  3. She employed the sensitive listening technique which, as Dr. Brothers describes involves:
    • Never letting the conversation drift into a dead end

    • Always helping him to talk more about himself and his interests

  4. At the end of the two hour conversation, she thanked him for his help
  5. And complimented him on his knowledge of the subject
  6. Several days later, she told him his advice worked perfectly
  7. And offered her co-worker a quid pro quo in the form of a strategic business advantage
  8. She proceeded to repeat this same procedure with other co-workers until…

Today she is accepted by her colleagues – and she should be. She does more business than any of them.

In conclusion, discrimination is real. No doubt about that. However, it is a side effect of the human mind. There are some ideas about other people that are just plain wrong (read: lies, rumors and insults) and should rightly be corrected. However, being accepted by a group of people is not guaranteed, nor is it your right; and it definitely won’t be achieved by being pushy, arrogant or changing your nature. It is also not impossible under the right circumstances and it definitely does not happen over night!

Do you have experience overcoming discrimination? Do you think it is possible? Share your story in the comment section below!

Read Next: Selling out versus Selling it | Why Makeovers are Not Evil

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3 Big Lies About the Job of a Stay-at-Home Mom

Photo by Sean Dreilinge via Flickr

toronto-bra-burning_1979It’s funny how we are all asked as children what we want to be when we grow up. Rarely do you expect to hear a 5 year old spouting “I want to be a ‘stay-at-home mom’.” In fact, now-a-days, in most circles, a child who gets it into her head that this is a viable career option, will likely get an earful about how women can do “anything” they put their minds to, and she should “dream big.”

Somehow, being a stay-at-home mother stopped being a viable career option after the first American women burned their bras, it seems. Interestingly, just like that seemingly wasteful and aggressive act towards a support system failed to consider the consequences to those who were in need of it, failing to recognize the benefits of mothers who choose the “home life,” has put an entire generation at risk.

With this article, I hope to address some of the rumors and lies that are being perpetrated about stay-at-home motherhood. Although, I am not a stay-at-home mother, some of my friends are and these points are made from observation. So, here I present the lies that are being perpetrated against stay-at-home mothers.

  1. Stay-at-home mothers “set women back.” This lie comes from the idea that to be a stay-at-home mother negates all that the women’s liberation movement fought for. The problem with this way of thinking which I have mentioned in other articles is that it goes from one extreme to another extreme that is just as dangerous. The point I made int he article linked above is that not all women desire or should be required to be employed in positions comparable to those of men. Some do, and that liberty should not be kept from them. However, we should not deny a woman the right and freedom to do what she, by biological design, may feel driven to (i.e. care for her young). This is not setting women back, when children grow up in a love, support and nurturing environment, because at least one parent is not absent.
  2.  woman-home-decorating-inspiration-ideas-1Stay at home mothers don’t do work. I’m probably not saying here what you think I’m going to say. There are a lot of people who usually say “Oh! Stay at home mothering is a full time job too!” But they say so in a patronizing way. That is to say, “Scooping poop sucks too, and I wouldn’t trade places with you for the world!” In actuality, the sentiment raised by me in pointing out this lie is not the same as the patronizing one I called out. The work, stay-at-home mothers do, which I will discuss more in the next point is so much more than cooking, cleaning, shopping and feeding her family. Many stay at home mothers balance the family checkbooks, design home improvement projects and do a lot of other extremely fulfilling tasks that improve the quality of their family’s life to far reaching levels.
  3. The only work stay-at-home moms do is take care of children. I have touched on this point a little in the previous point. Further, a lot of stay-at-home mothers also have full-time jobs which they do out of the home. Being without a source of income is just not an option for most women in today’s world. For a lot of women, even if the husband makes such a sizable income that she is not required to remain employed, she may still choose to be employed as a means to let out some of that natural energy that all humans possess. Fortunately, now-a-days, employment does not necessarily mean, putting on a pant suit, taking long commutes and punching a clock in some faceless corporation. Many stay-at-home mothers, now-a-days start home businesses. The awesome thing about it is that with the internet being what it is, stay-at-home moms have more options than ever before to make money at home in many creative ways!

If you want more information about how to make the leap into the freedom of working from home through an online income, follow this link to sign up for a special report!

Read Next: Sugar Babies | Glorified Prostitutes or Intelligent Strategists?

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My Four-Prong Approach to Becoming a Lady Again

Photo credit: Jill Glindermann, winner of the Sun Girl Quest at Suttons Beach, 1953 via photopin
Photo credit: Jill Glindermann, winner of the Sun Girl Quest at Suttons Beach, 1953 via photopin

In October 2014, I joined the Ladies Again team with the agenda of embracing my femininity in order to achieve my goals.

With my birthday coming up in a little over a month, I have been thinking a lot about how far I have come on this journey. The answer is: not that far.

I’ve begun posts about getting healthy again, finding a husband, making money and revamping my image. However, in all honesty, I have not kept on top of my new commitment to the extent that I had hoped.

  • I have not lost any weight (I may have gained some).
  • I have not had a steady and healthy romantic relationship.
  • My career is on shaky ground (and I’m broke).
  • I’m sitting here wearing an old t-shirt with grease stains on it.

However, what I have accomplished is:

I have made these small strides in the past 4 months, but now I’m ready to take a few leaps. Here is my plan to make that happen.

I will be focusing my Ladies Again journey on four main areas:

Number 1: Career Goal: To become a home business

  • We at Ladies Again recognize how hard it is for a woman to feel empowered in her femininity when she is tied down to a traditional career (Punching the clock is often incompatible with raising a family). I personally, have no interest on selling my family time to a faceless corporation that I probably hate. So, for this reason, one of my goals is to empower myself by doing something I have always dreamed of (i.e. become an entrepreneur). I feel that doing this will make me happier, healthier and give me more freedom to nurture healthy relationships.
Couple embracing. Photo credit: Mirando al mar via photopin
Photo credit: Mirando al mar via photopin

Number 2: Marriage Goal: To be in a meaningful romantic relationship by December of 2015

  • Playing the tomboy role and chasing my career my whole life has left me lonely and awkward at 30 years old. For this reason, I have some catching up to do. Utilizing dating advice, resources and maybe even websites, I intend to put myself out there in a meaningful way and record my process here on Ladies Again.
  • I will be using dating techniques from various books which I will review and discuss on this blog. My first book selection is Get the Guy, which is a book written by Matthew Hussey, a man (and dating coach) that I first discovered on youtube about a year ago. Look out for my review and discussions about how I’m applying the ideas in that book in later blog posts.

Number 3: Beauty Goal: To achieve a more feminine appearance and embrace my natural feminine physical strengths

  • This is crucial to the execution of my marriage goal and plays into my health goal as well

Number 4: Health Goal: To steadily and consistently lose weight until I reach 125 lbs

This is merely a brief overview of my four pronged approach to becoming a Lady Again. I hope to go into further details on these goals in future articles. So, stay tuned!

What steps are you taking to meet your objectives this year? Leave a comment or a question. We would love to hear from you and we would love to help!

Read next: Why I Decided to Become a Lady Again

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Flexible Jobs for Women

Photo by Geoffery Kehrig via Flickr

We all know that, despite HAM (‘Hating Anti-Male’) calls for more equality in the workplace, studies show that most women do not want to be working at all. In fact, one Pew study found that women do not even want to be the boss. The reason for this is that many smart Red Pill Women understand that making money does not come before loving their spouses and families. There’s ample examples in books and articles of women who gave up their youth, energy and fertility for their jobs.

Photo by Geoffery Kehrig via Flickr
Photo by Geoffery Kehrig via Flickr

After all, who really wants to end up becoming power woman like Erin Callan, the former chief financial officer of the doomed Lehman Brothers, who realized only after the crash and burn of her career that she did not have a life outside of work? Or to realize, at 47 years of age, as she did, that she missed out on her opportunity to have children? Who wants to be Kate Bolick, the writer for The Atlantic who realized at 39 that she might have missed her opportunity to have a family, too?

Here’s the kicker to feminism: You can try to compete with men in the workplace and decide to work overtime to get ahead, but after years of working hard, only men will still have the option to have children (usually with younger, more fertile women) once they get older. As women, we have to prioritize our youth and fertility if we want to have children.

This means that we cannot allow ourselves to lose years of our youth in dead-in relationships (i.e., hookups, one-night stands or any kind of fornicating with bums) or in dead-in, exhausting jobs. Intense rat-race corporate jobs must be off limits because they take so much time away our abilities to date or stay at home with our children. In the book, “The Flipside of Feminism,” authors Suzanne Venker and Phyllis Schlafly argued that a woman’s family life will suffer if she chooses a high-achieving career that involves long hours. She encourages women to reconsider their plans to become doctors, lawyers or business executives.

As part-time and telecommuting work become more common, there are ways for women to find work outside of the office (or away from the Starbucks register). We’ve compiled a list of a few flexible jobs:

  • Web developer/designer
  • Finance manager
  • Software developer
  • Insurance agent
  • Dietitian
  • Real-estate agent
  • Graphic designer
  • Property, real-estate and community-association manager
  • Writer
  • Newspaper reporter
  • Financial analyst
  • Film/Video editor
  • Personal assistant
  • Dog walker

Did we miss any flexible jobs? Share jobs in the comments below.

Read next: I’m a Woman with a Career I Don’t Want

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Easy Makeup Strategies for Lazy Women

Photo by Amie Fedora via Flickr

Like many many women, I am usually too busy to apply makeup on a daily basis because I am frequently rushing out of my home in the mornings to make it to work on time. I have, however, been trying my best over the past year to break my habit of skipping out on makeup application in the morning. One of the best things I have done to limit my makeup-less habit is to find simple ways to apply my makeup quickly and effortlessly. Check out beauty videos online to find helpful makeup shortcuts. Below, you will find a few of my favorite videos:

From Extra Petite:

Simple makeup tips for darker-skinned beauties:

Everyday basic makeup routine:

A classic office look:

Learn how to make your simple black eyeliner last:

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Seeking my attention

After receiving a call from my employers/co-workers on my day off for the umpteenth time, I feel like the people at my job are seeking my attention in a big way. Why? Well, that’s a whole other convoluted story that I may perhaps tell on this blog one day; a story involving racism, classism, age-ism, entitlement and humility. The point as it relates to this point is that my co-workers (an all-female workforce) will not let me rest. They keep hounding me to be there and do things that they themselves are not willing to step up and do. I just want to quit. I do. I am sick of being their scape goat.

It’s really really hard to explain, because sometimes you just sense things, but you can’t really define it or place a finger on it. This is one of those situations. I have been complaining about this job for a very long time, and from the very beginning people have been telling me to quit and find something else. However, they also tell me to not quit without having a back up plan. There are others who are just like “what is your long term plan?”

The weird thing is that I do have a plan…a long term plan. However, my long term plan requires a lot of free time. There are websites I want to build. There are books I want to write. I have them all mapped out in my head. These plans are concrete. However, with this well-crafted slavery spelled “J-O-B” there’s just no way I can execute this plan.

690f5c14da732e49278b9ae20befbe5e8392f6648d65ed8c7c0cb7ea2909d79cI feel like the folks at work are getting the sense that I’m uncomfortable. I mean, how can someone tell you “please do not call me to come in this week” and then you call them. I feel like…no, I KNOW that they are aggressively seeking my attention in a way that is uncomfortable. They want me to be at the forefront of their minds all the time and it makes them uncomfortable when this is not the case.

I have been wanting to walk away from this job for several months now (even over a year). My very soul has been screaming about leaving for a very long time. However, every tangible aspect of my life is begging for my attention as well, informing me that I have no choice. This is painful for me, as a child who was a victim of domestic violence. A person who was unable to escape her perpetrators. People who physically abused her yet claimed they loved her. People who perpetrated violence on an innocent who was left vulnerably in their care.

The feelings that emerge from this form of captivity are very conflicting and scary. These same feelings arise in my current job. Wanting to escape. Seeing the door wide open. However, feeling the fear of knowing that cutting your current lifeline could be your undoing. “Quod me nutrit, me destruit”, the Latin for “What nourishes me, destroys me” has become the mantra of many young women today, many of whom are intentionally starving themselves through fasting diets and extreme calorie restriction to escape the obesity that is inevitable on a conventional American diet.

The funny thing with that, and this, is that cutting that lifeline is not anyone’s undoing. Walking away from what is destroying you does not necessarily lead to another form of inevitable destruction. Perhaps it is the confusion of living a life for so long in which a thing so comforting and so intrinsic to ones very existence had been a source of poison and pain, leaves on feeling that to live and to die are one and the same.

But just like walking away from Big Macs does not have to mean living only on water (baby spinach salad, with dried cranberries and almonds anyone?!), walking out of an abusive relationship does not have to mean living without love and/or security. It may not be obviously now, but just beyond your current line of vision there may be a new security, a new source of life, that may not be recognizable to you now, because it looks nothing like what you’re used to but if you just walk through the open door and embrace the dreams faintly call out to you of safety, love and stability; I believe that you will find exactly what you’re looking for if you are not discouraged.

Look at me pleaseI’m not saying this for anyone, but myself. These are things that I know from self help books, church and wise friends; but things that I have not accepted due to the difficulty of looking away from the attention-seekers that refuse to leave my line of vision. Bosses calling me on my weak off, family members asking me when I will “get (my) life together”. Bills filling up my mailbox and bill collectors “blowing up” my phone. As much as I want to walk away from emotional manipulators, ridiculers and psychological bullies who use a paycheck as their leash on your life, all signs point to a glass house where you can see that there is a life beyond, but getting there means…well…the possibility of shards of glass piercing your body.

So, I guess, at the end of the day, the answer to getting out of the life you have currently that is unsatisfying; when the option of sticking it out until another opportunity comes along makes you want to swallow an entire bottle of extra strength tylenol so that the bullet you put through your skull doesn’t hurt as much; might be just to walk away…into the unknown…confront the uncomfortable nature of what’s out there while holding on to that vision of the ideal that chased you away from what was. All of this until you find something new that, while it may not be perfection, gives you a better understanding of what that may be.

Note: This article was painful to write, because it speaks directly to my current situation. I know that everyone in my life will hate me and think I’m stupid if I quit my job and pursue my dreams, even if my dreams cost nothing to pursue. However, I want, more than my very life, to get out of the situation I am in at work (which will never change no matter how you slice it). As I’m writing this, I know that what I must do is write a plan of how I will get back on my feet by pursuing my dream. One that involves a timeline, a budget and financial projections. I might want to present this timeline to my mother since I’m really hoping that she will house me while I pursue this dream. However, if I have this plan, then maybe I should be prepared for her to say no and present the plan to other friends and/or family who may be willing to house me and supportive of my goals/plan. Writing this post has empowered me to develop this plan (a one month strategy, hopefully) to produce something valuable without depending on others for subsistence. I guess I will try to draw up this plan today and post the redacted version for educational purposes on this blog. I look forward to sharing my exciting yet trepidatious journey with you all. I’ll be sure to let y’all know if I actually follow through…

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