How to Get Divorced in 10 Easy Steps: “Dear Future Husband” Review

The "Dear Future Husband" music video by Meghan Tanner.
getty image via dailymail.co.uk
getty image via dailymail.co.uk

Have you ever had a song that you hate stuck in your head because the beat was so catchy? And did you hate the song so much that you wanted to bang your head against the wall for it being stuck in there? That’s how I feel about Meghan Trainor’s hit song “Dear Future Husband.” The song’s video currently has over 164 million views on YouTube, which means that people actually like it, and are listening to it over and over again. I have even seeing young teen and pre-teen girls doing covers of the song like in this disturbing video.

The problem with this song is that it is slow poison. It is deception wrapped in a catchy jingle.

Women all over the world are singing this song in preparation for their divorces, and in this article I intend to demonstrate the process called “how to get yourself divorced in 10 easy steps” as demonstrated through the lyrics of Meghan Trainor’s “Dear Future Husband” song.

STEP 1. Be demanding.

“Take me on a date. I deserve it, babe.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

If you want to get yourself divorced, you need to learn the fine art of being demanding and entitled. Be as bratty as possible. Men won’t be able to resist filing divorce papers.

STEP 2. Be bossy.

“And don’t forget the flowers every anniversary.” – Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men love to get rid of women who are picky about how affection is shown to them. It’s great for undermining their ego, and making them feel emasculated. A woman can really bust a man’s balls by not acknowledging that every man has his own “love language” and needs space to express himself the way only he can (as all humans do).

STEP 3. Set unrealistic expectations.

“Cuz if you treat me right. I’ll be the perfect wife.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

One of the best way to get your man in the courtroom is to set unrealistic expectation, both for him and for yourself. It’s bad enough when battered women with low self-esteem think they need to be perfect to deserve to be treated right, but when a man feels he needs to meet unclear and unattainable expectations to be loved, he gets butterflies in his stomach just thinking of getting away from you.

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STEP 4. Set low standards for yourself.

“I’ll be the perfect wife. Buying groceries…buying what you need.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men love getting rid of annoying women who want credit for doing what they are supposed to do. When you think you’re hot stuff, because of the mundane things you do like washing dishes, cooking a meal and of course “buy-buying groceries,” men get tickled pink with the idea of kicking you to the curb! They don’t want you to put in the effort to actually keep the home together and be an equal partner. Why would they? It might just give them enough sympathy to keep you around, and nobody wants that!

STEP 5. Make excuses.

“You got that 9 to 5. But baby, so do I. So don’t be thinking I’ll be home and baking apple pies. I never learned to cook, but I can write a hook. Sing along with me…” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

If you want your man to go running for the hills, give him every reason in the book why you cannot carry your weight in the relationship. Tell him about how hard it is to be you, while ignoring the problems he might be facing. Make every situation about yourself, and put forth no effort to consider your short-comings as things that may need to be addressed. He’ll practically pee his pants in excitement at the thought of getting rid of you!

STEP 6. Use sex to manipulate him.

“Dear future husband, if you want to get that special lovin, tell me I’m beautiful each and every night…

After every fight, just apologize, and maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right…

Open doors for me and you might get some (implies fellatio)…” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

The future divorcee anthem is so on point with this one. Using sex as a weapon is definitely the icing on the cake that sends a man running to a lawyer (or into the arms of another woman). Listen to her, ladies! She definitely has the secret to being a lonely cat lady spelled out here.

STEP 7. Kill compassion. Never compromise, or admit fault.

“After every fight, just apologize…Even if I’m wrong. (Laughs) You know I’m never wrong. Why disagree?” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

No man wants to delete a woman from his life who apologizes for her mistakes and makes him feel special. Why would he? Don’t you think he likes feeling good about himself? Come on, sister! You have to be an obnoxiously power-hungry, prideful woman if you want to die alone.

STEP 8. Be needy.

“Make time for me. Don’t leave me lonely.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Yes! Or as the young people say, “yaaaassss”! The age old neediness trick gets them every time. You will know it is working when he stops coming home at night, and prefers to spend time with his friends instead of you. Do not get your own life. Bug him into submission to the judge to give you the divorce. It won’t be hard once you have employed this simple trick.

STEP 9. Be as selfish as possible.

“And know we’ll never see your family more than mine.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

His needs are not important when you are trying to get yourself divorced. What you need is the fortitude to stand strong in your demands especially, what Ms. Trainor has suggested here, forcing him to spend more time with people he does not know and sacrifice his desired quality time with the people who raised him. Hat’s off to you, Meghan. You are a role model!

STEP 10. Be in denial and insist he does the same.

“You gotta know how to treat me like a lady. Even when I’m acting crazy, tell me everything’s alright.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men hate staying with women who have a good sense of reality. So, stop acting like a lady, but still demand to be treated like one. That’s the only way you’ll get that divorce you so desperately deserve! Behave like a lunatic, and then pretend everything is OK. Do not settle disputes rationally, it doesn’t work. The only thing that will get you your singleness back is utter lunacy. God speed, ladies.

The title of the song should not be “Dear Future Husband”, but “Dear Future Exes.” The hook should be:

 

“Dear Future Exes

Here’s a few phrases you should know

If you want to be someone’s divorcee

Not a wife”

 

Now, although this article was written tongue in cheek, it definitely rings true in my opinion. I think women should take this article very seriously, and moreover, take seriously the type of media you  expose yourself and your daughters to. Many women who grow up listening to things like this end alone and bitter well past their prime and wonder where they went wrong. This is a cautionary tale. Heed it wisely. Men deserve to be treated with the same respect you do.

I have a series that I have been doing on this blog entitled ” Feminine or Not” where I assess whether various pop culture staples targeted to women are actually feminine. I would put Meghan Tanner’s song in the category of Not Feminine. In my opinion, no woman should listen to this song. No woman should sing this song. This song should never have been written. This song needs to die. I will be happy when this song’s 15 minutes of fame are over. Sorry, Ms. Tanner, and dear future musicians, please don’t do this anymore. Thanks.

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