How to Get Divorced in 10 Easy Steps: “Dear Future Husband” Review

The "Dear Future Husband" music video by Meghan Tanner.
getty image via dailymail.co.uk
getty image via dailymail.co.uk

Have you ever had a song that you hate stuck in your head because the beat was so catchy? And did you hate the song so much that you wanted to bang your head against the wall for it being stuck in there? That’s how I feel about Meghan Trainor’s hit song “Dear Future Husband.” The song’s video currently has over 164 million views on YouTube, which means that people actually like it, and are listening to it over and over again. I have even seeing young teen and pre-teen girls doing covers of the song like in this disturbing video.

The problem with this song is that it is slow poison. It is deception wrapped in a catchy jingle.

Women all over the world are singing this song in preparation for their divorces, and in this article I intend to demonstrate the process called “how to get yourself divorced in 10 easy steps” as demonstrated through the lyrics of Meghan Trainor’s “Dear Future Husband” song.

STEP 1. Be demanding.

“Take me on a date. I deserve it, babe.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

If you want to get yourself divorced, you need to learn the fine art of being demanding and entitled. Be as bratty as possible. Men won’t be able to resist filing divorce papers.

STEP 2. Be bossy.

“And don’t forget the flowers every anniversary.” – Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men love to get rid of women who are picky about how affection is shown to them. It’s great for undermining their ego, and making them feel emasculated. A woman can really bust a man’s balls by not acknowledging that every man has his own “love language” and needs space to express himself the way only he can (as all humans do).

STEP 3. Set unrealistic expectations.

“Cuz if you treat me right. I’ll be the perfect wife.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

One of the best way to get your man in the courtroom is to set unrealistic expectation, both for him and for yourself. It’s bad enough when battered women with low self-esteem think they need to be perfect to deserve to be treated right, but when a man feels he needs to meet unclear and unattainable expectations to be loved, he gets butterflies in his stomach just thinking of getting away from you.

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STEP 4. Set low standards for yourself.

“I’ll be the perfect wife. Buying groceries…buying what you need.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men love getting rid of annoying women who want credit for doing what they are supposed to do. When you think you’re hot stuff, because of the mundane things you do like washing dishes, cooking a meal and of course “buy-buying groceries,” men get tickled pink with the idea of kicking you to the curb! They don’t want you to put in the effort to actually keep the home together and be an equal partner. Why would they? It might just give them enough sympathy to keep you around, and nobody wants that!

STEP 5. Make excuses.

“You got that 9 to 5. But baby, so do I. So don’t be thinking I’ll be home and baking apple pies. I never learned to cook, but I can write a hook. Sing along with me…” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

If you want your man to go running for the hills, give him every reason in the book why you cannot carry your weight in the relationship. Tell him about how hard it is to be you, while ignoring the problems he might be facing. Make every situation about yourself, and put forth no effort to consider your short-comings as things that may need to be addressed. He’ll practically pee his pants in excitement at the thought of getting rid of you!

STEP 6. Use sex to manipulate him.

“Dear future husband, if you want to get that special lovin, tell me I’m beautiful each and every night…

After every fight, just apologize, and maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right…

Open doors for me and you might get some (implies fellatio)…” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

The future divorcee anthem is so on point with this one. Using sex as a weapon is definitely the icing on the cake that sends a man running to a lawyer (or into the arms of another woman). Listen to her, ladies! She definitely has the secret to being a lonely cat lady spelled out here.

STEP 7. Kill compassion. Never compromise, or admit fault.

“After every fight, just apologize…Even if I’m wrong. (Laughs) You know I’m never wrong. Why disagree?” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

No man wants to delete a woman from his life who apologizes for her mistakes and makes him feel special. Why would he? Don’t you think he likes feeling good about himself? Come on, sister! You have to be an obnoxiously power-hungry, prideful woman if you want to die alone.

STEP 8. Be needy.

“Make time for me. Don’t leave me lonely.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Yes! Or as the young people say, “yaaaassss”! The age old neediness trick gets them every time. You will know it is working when he stops coming home at night, and prefers to spend time with his friends instead of you. Do not get your own life. Bug him into submission to the judge to give you the divorce. It won’t be hard once you have employed this simple trick.

STEP 9. Be as selfish as possible.

“And know we’ll never see your family more than mine.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

His needs are not important when you are trying to get yourself divorced. What you need is the fortitude to stand strong in your demands especially, what Ms. Trainor has suggested here, forcing him to spend more time with people he does not know and sacrifice his desired quality time with the people who raised him. Hat’s off to you, Meghan. You are a role model!

STEP 10. Be in denial and insist he does the same.

“You gotta know how to treat me like a lady. Even when I’m acting crazy, tell me everything’s alright.” –Meghan Trainor, Dear Future Husband

Men hate staying with women who have a good sense of reality. So, stop acting like a lady, but still demand to be treated like one. That’s the only way you’ll get that divorce you so desperately deserve! Behave like a lunatic, and then pretend everything is OK. Do not settle disputes rationally, it doesn’t work. The only thing that will get you your singleness back is utter lunacy. God speed, ladies.

The title of the song should not be “Dear Future Husband”, but “Dear Future Exes.” The hook should be:

 

“Dear Future Exes

Here’s a few phrases you should know

If you want to be someone’s divorcee

Not a wife”

 

Now, although this article was written tongue in cheek, it definitely rings true in my opinion. I think women should take this article very seriously, and moreover, take seriously the type of media you  expose yourself and your daughters to. Many women who grow up listening to things like this end alone and bitter well past their prime and wonder where they went wrong. This is a cautionary tale. Heed it wisely. Men deserve to be treated with the same respect you do.

I have a series that I have been doing on this blog entitled ” Feminine or Not” where I assess whether various pop culture staples targeted to women are actually feminine. I would put Meghan Tanner’s song in the category of Not Feminine. In my opinion, no woman should listen to this song. No woman should sing this song. This song should never have been written. This song needs to die. I will be happy when this song’s 15 minutes of fame are over. Sorry, Ms. Tanner, and dear future musicians, please don’t do this anymore. Thanks.

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Cosmo Magazine: Feminine or Not?

Kim Kardashian cropped.
Nicki Minaj covers Cosmopolitan magazine.
Sex is mentioned on nearly every issue of Cosmo.

Cosmopolitan magazine is not, in fact, a feminine magazine. The sad thing about this magazine is that it is so far from what its title describes, that it is disgusting. Many of the young, impressionable readers of this magazine are unaware of the actual definition of the word “cosmopolitan,” which is actually synonymous with words like “cultured,” “sophisticated,” “suave,” “urbane” and “glamorous.”

However, today’s question is not about whether or not Cosmo magazine is falsely advertising itself, but whether or not it is a feminine magazine.

Why are we asking this question?

Well, Ladies Again, is a place where we discuss femininity as it relates to women’s issues of the day. Unfortunately, many women today who are looking for womanly advice, turn to things like Cosmo to give them guidance about their issues. In fact, statista.com reveals that Cosmo magazine recently ranked as the number two top selling women’s lifestyle magazine in the UK (second only to Glamour), beating out magazines such as Women & Home and Good Housekeeping.

graphic display of top selling women's magazine shows Cosmopolitan as number two
top selling women’s magazines by statical rank from statista.com

Cosmo‘s own press kit reveals that it’s largest demographic is young women aged 18-24. It is number one among college women, distributed in over 100 countries and most of it’s readers are single, employed, college graduates.

image of graphical representation of cosmopolitan magazine demographic data
Cosmo’s press kit reveals it’s ability to influence young minds

If where we spend our money is truly an indication of our priorities, I believe the state of modern womanhood is in grave danger as a result of the relentless propaganda of filth being promoted as advice to modern women. On its website, Cosmo’s tag line states that it is: “The Women’s Magazine for Fashion, Sex Advice, Dating Tips and Celebrity News.”

This tells us two things worth mentioning here.

#1. It is marketed to women as  a women’s magazine, and

#2. It offers sex tips and dating advice as an authority to women.

There is even a Cosmo Girl magazine which is marketed towards teenage girls. Which gives Cosmo a firmer hold on the female education market, grooming women from a young age to enjoy reading what I generously refer to as smut.

Now, even though the magazine does not make any upfront claims that the advice it gives will get you married or engender you as a feminine creature in anyone’s eyes, but it does seem to be promoted as some form of authority on sex and dating. With this combination of it’s popularity and platform to condition women from a young age, we must ask ourselves, is what it is teaching us really worthy of our devotion?

Is Cosmo’s Sex and Dating Advice Feminine?

First of all, let me start by defining what I mean by feminine.

The dictionary defines feminine as delicate, pretty, ladylike. I, personally, believe these are subjective terms and do not really tell very much to a person interested in understanding femininity. So, I referred to Wikipedia and came up with words like gentleness, empathy and sensitivity. I agree more with those terms. I think that gentleness, empathy and sensitivity comes from the female biological quality of giving birth. We produce children whom we become bonded to emotionally. Our instinct to seek the well-being of others is probably why we are okay with selflessly allowing another human being to share our body with us for nine months. I believe when women lose these qualities, there is a relational imbalance on some level in their lives that is observable to others, even if they do not know her well.

I believe a lot of women these days are very confused as to what feminine actually is, because of media sources like Cosmo magazine. They see pictures of women smiling in articles about having one night stands and forget that the feminine instinct is not to bind oneself meaninglessly to another human being and then discard them. Women become indoctrinated into the Sex and the City mentality these magazine purport and lose sight of the long term emotional and physical consequences of being frivolous with one’s body, mind and soul.

But what am I really talking about? Well, let me give you a few examples.

The following are actual articles from Cosmo‘s website:

  • “Why more couples are having kids before they get married”: This article was actually encouraging women to try to put the baby before the ring. Unfortunately, it’s logic was full of holes and unrealistic; but most of all it definitely goes against the feminine instinct to nurture. What sense does it make for women to aspire to bring children into an unstable environment? Furthermore, is it just me, or would being a single mother make dating that much harder?!
  • “A complete beginners guide to the messy blow job”: This article gives seven tips for women to give something called the “messy blow job.” I don’t need to tell you that this is an unladylike article, in fact, I’ll just let Tip #2. do the talking for me:  “Spit as much as you can and drink a bunch of water if you need to.” Uh…no!
  • How about these two articles: “10 Reasons why your one-night stand was actually a good thing” and “Casual sex can be good for you.” And before you go running to check out the articles, let me just give you two of their reasons why one-night stands can have a positive impact on your life. #1. “You go laaaaaid…” I kid you not. That is an actual reason given by an authority on dating for women as to why a woman should comfortably resort to promiscuity. Then there is #2. “You don’t have to wonder what you two are to each other.” Are these supposed to be perks for women, or sociopaths?!

So, at the end of the day, I don’t think I need to, but still I will reiterate that my assessment is that Cosmo magazine is in fact NOT FEMININE!

It reads like a pervy frat bro magazine written with the male pronouns swapped out for female pronouns.  I am convinced that any woman who still reads that magazine for relationship advice needs a wise older woman who has been happily married for 20 years or more…to slap her upside her head and knock some sense into her!

Do you read Cosmopolitan Magazine? Why or why not?

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Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable”: Feminine or Not?

Beyonce

beyonce mean muggingBeyonce is arguably one of the most powerful names in music right now. Her eclectic sound and feminist message hypnotizes many women into feeling a strong sense of liberation and community.

However, her message can often come across as confusing as well. You may find her singing lyrics such as:

“Let me cater to you…do anything for my man…” -Destiny’s Child, Cater 2 U

or “Nothing’s perfect, but it’s worth it…” – Beyonce, Love on Top

This sounds like the voice of a loyal, dedicated woman, right? Then, the next song from her is a raging feminist manifesto about how much she doesn’t need a man. Consider these lyrics:

“The rocks I’m rockin’, I bought ’em, cuz I depend on me!” -Destiny’s Child, Independent Woman

and “This goes out to all my girls
That’s in the club rocking the latest
Who will buy it for themselves and get more money later” -Beyonce, Run the World (Girls)

The confusing messages don’t stop there, because when we consider the song Bills Bills Bills, which contain lyrics such as:

“Can you pay my bills…I don’t think you do. So, you and me are through!”

Grammatical errors aside, her musical personality often comes across as that of a sufferer of borderline personality disorder.

This issue poses a challenge for women who look to her as the voice of feminine sensibility or worse, men who refer to her when trying to understand the female mind. For this reason, I have chosen one of her songs for consideration in a new series I am creating here for Ladies Again entitled “Feminine or Not?”

beyonce irreplaceableIn this series, I will take a pop culture concept or reference and break it down for readers in terms of its alignment with femininity or lack thereof.

Today, I will be analyzing Beyonce’s hit song “Irreplaceable”.

From the very beginning of the song it rejects femininity and leans towards the arrogance of modern feminism as we find Beyonce aggressively ejecting her inadequate romantic partner from the scene with a battle cry:

“To the left! To the left!

Everything you own in a box to the left!”

The song goes on and on about everything she has done for this man and how undeserving he is of her pity. Now, granted, she is a jilted lover, but it is interesting to note that everything she holds against him has a monetary value.

“…that’s my stuff…

…I bought it….

…It’s my name that’s on that Jag(uar)…”

This is an important point, because it says something about the character of this woman which will become increasingly evident as we continue through the song. Spoiler alert: She has a CREAM culture mentality and this has led her to believe that her financial success absolves her of any social accountability. Consider these lines:

“I can have another you in a minute…

…So don’t…(think) you’re irreplaceable…”

She clearly sees people as commodities similar to the objects she withholds to manipulate this man, i.e. disposable and acquirable through financial leverage.

And before you begin to sympathize with her, because she was cheated on:

“Call up that chick and see if she’s home!

Oops! I bet you thought that I didn’t know!

What did you think I was putting you out for?!”

Consider the lines that soon follow this revelation:

“You was untrue

Rollin’ around in the car that I bought you!

Baby, drop them keys!

Hurry up before your taxi leaves!”

Beyonce-angryI am willing to bet that this man’s infidelity resulted from being so emasculated by her manipulation and power tripping, that he had to sleep around just to remind himself that he still had balls! She sounds like she’s talking to her house help in this song and not a romantic partner!

So, to answer the question posed by this article. This song is:

NOT FEMININE!

Femininity supports your significant other with love and compassion, regardless of his financial situation and does not use one’s advantage as a tool of manipulation, but rather patiently encourages the best out of her partner. For an example of this, consider the song “Your Love is My Love” by Whitney Houston with lyrics such as:

“If I lose my fame and fortune
And I’m homeless on the street
And I’m sleepin’ in Grand Central Station
It’s okay if you’re sleepin’ with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other’s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It’s okay as long as I got you babe”

Those are the words of a woman with eternity in mind. Those are the words of a woman that knows that we are all in this together. Those are the words of a lady!

Do you like Beyonce’s song “Irreplaceable”? Please tell us why or why not in the comment section below!

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