Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

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If you’re dating, it’s normal for you to feel that you might not be emotionally or sexually compatible with your date. It’s quite another thing for you to feel so repulsed by your date that you never want to speak to them again, even just to give them the courtesy of telling them that you do not want to go out on a second date. When a guy does not call, text or email you after a date, it is usually because something happened during the date that turned him off completely (of course, the reversal also happens when you don’t feel like calling the guy after a date). What would make a guy choose to run for the hills after meeting you? That is the question dating coach Rachel Greenwald asks in her book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date.” In the book, Greenwald reveals the insights gained from interviewing 1,000 single men about why they did not call back after a date.

BookThe book shares honest and raw feedback from men who complained about everything from messy eaters to loquacious talkers to neurotic planners. What is interesting about the book is that the majority of the men admitted to dismissing women for very clear and consistent reasons. Some dismissal reasons were obvious, but others were easy to miss. We all know that men do not like bossy and men women (those were the top two reasons to dismiss a woman), but it is less known that men are intimidated by pampered princesses or that they hate cynical women.

Greenwald personified all of the male date-breakers into what she calls “dating stereotypes.” The Boss Lady is the number cited reason for a no-callback, and The Blahs comes in at a close second. Out of the 4,152 dates described by men in Greenwald’s survey, here are the top 11 reasons why men aren’t calling women back after a first date (listed in order of mentions):

  1. She is bossy and unfeminine (NUMBER ONE REASON)
  2. She is boring or not as interesting as her online persona
  3. She lied about her appearance or attitude in some way
  4. She is rich or spoiled
  5. She wants to know where things are going…way too soon
  6. She reveals too much personal information too quickly
  7. She is mean, uncaring or self-centered
  8. She is cynical or hypercritical
  9. She mentions her ex
  10. She talks way too much
  11. She takes the lead too much

*Honorable mention: Many men interviewed said that it’s a turnoff if the relationship moves to physical intimacy too soon. In fact, some say casual sex is temporarily fun and easy, yet boring. One man said “It’s like doing halfies–the body without the heart.” He says the cuddling, if there is any, is fake.

Photo by Pexels Coffee mug apple iphone.
Photo by Pexels

Greenwald asks readers to recognize themselves in the character stereotypes, and work on ways to appear less irritating to their dates. For instance, women who tend to be dominating and bossy on their dates could benefit by finding ways to show their nurturing side on their dates. Also, women who tend to be highly conscientious or aggressive at work could benefit from relaxing on their dates and refraining from asking probing questions about the future (i.e., never ask a man on a first date if he plans to get married or have a family).

I highly recommend the book, as it helped me learn that I can be too aggressive on my dates by asking my dates about their intentions for the future. Asking too soon about a man’s intentions or hopes for the future can squash any spontaneity or excitement from the date. Asking about a man’s intentions also does not seem to be a very effective way to find the information that you’re seeking. Anyone can lie and say that they are looking for a relationship when they actually want a hookup; likewise, a person can say that they looking for a hookup but could still be open to being in a long-term relationship with the right woman. It’s best to pay attention to a man’s actions to determine whether he is interested in getting more than sex from you.

Which date-breaker rules are you violating? To get the precise answer, Greenwald recommends having a friend, coach or counselor conduct an exit interview with a person who did not call you back after a date. She says that exit interviews can provide insight into negative patterns that you may be making on your dates. She includes an Exit Interview script in her book that is very informative.

Are you willing to have a friend call a person that you once dated to find out what went wrong? Share in the comments below!

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Bossy or Feminine? How to Take the Pants Off After Work

Photo of women and men

Are you successful in your dating life, but unsuccessful in your love life? While it’s easy to say that men are intimidated by your success, the odds are that the reality of the situation is much different. What is more likely is that you are bringing the masculine skills that you use at work into your dating relationships, and it is a major turn off for the men you are dating. I’m not knocking successful working womenit’s great that you have figured out a way to support yourself by being direct, aggressive, competitive and goal-oriented at work. I am instead knocking women who have not figured out that you cannot carry over your aggressiveness and competitiveness into your dating life and expect men to fall in love with you. Men fantasize about Sofia Vergara’s curves and softness, not Hillary Clinton’s crisp grey pantsuit.

I learned this first-hand from an experience I had with an ex-boyfriend. We were once sharing stories about ex-spouses, and he mentioned that he dated a successful financial manager. He told me that he had to break up with her because she was too controlling. She would decide everything, from where they would go to eat or watch a movie, and by the end of their relationship, she was even giving him orders when they were at home like he was her employee. I remember him saying “If I have to deal with orders all day at work, why would I want to come home to someone causing problems too?”

In this case, the woman did not understand that she has to be nurturing with her spouse, not cold, combative and domineering. Most women do not know that they are behaving this way with men unfortunately, and it shows in research. In the book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date,” 1,000 men surveyed say that they are turned off the most by masculine, argumentative and controlling women. In fact, a large percentage of men surveyed for that book say that they are more likely to dismiss women for bossy behavior than any other kind of behavior. The men classified bossy women in six ways: controlling, argumentative, competitive, unfeminine, excessively independent, and unnurturing.

Since heterosexual men are attracted to women, it makes sense that they are not attracted to masculine women. They want feminine, caring women. In fact, many men surveyed say that the preferred jobs for their future wife are schoolteachers, nurses or chefs. How can you tell if you are a bossy, unfeminine woman? Here are a few questions for you, adapted from “Why He Didn’t Call You Back”:

  • Have you ever said “I want a man, but I don’t need one!”
  • Has anyone ever told you “You’d make a great lawyer”?
  • Do you usually organize events and outings?
  • Have you ever went on a date wearing your work clothes?
  • Do you think you can be defensive?
  • Do you think your career defines you?

How You Can Be Less of a Bossy Lady

Let the man take the lead: Try to manage your controlling side by relaxing and letting the man decide the date location. Or, if you’re already in a relationship, always ask for your spouse’s input on all couple decisions, no matter how small. The man needs to take the lead, or at least feel like he is taking the lead and making decisions. That is the way the world works, and you need to accept that the man needs to feel like a man.

Leave work at work: Don’t spend more than a few minutes talking about work with a date, if you are dating, otherwise, your date will feel like a business dinner.

Dress like a lady: Don’t go on a date wearing your work clothes. Your date clothes should reveal some, but not a lot, of skin. You should be wearing a feminine dress or fitting skirt on a date, not a suit or baggy shift dress.

Find ways to be kind: You job as a woman is to make your man feel as though your existence makes life easier for him than if he lived without you. Figure out a way to be kind and give gifts to your spouse or date. In the book, the author discussed the way one woman would have a bowl of peanuts ready for her husband when he returned home every night from work. Find ways to be kind on a regular basis to your spouse.

Seek therapy: It can be difficult to be a modern woman because we have to find ways to juggle one aggressive personality at work, and another personality at home with our spouses, friends and family. If you have a hard time turning off your workplace behavior, consider going to a therapist or counselor to learn how to better control your masculine impulses (because it’s interfering with your love life!).

Read more: Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

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The Bachelor Review: Unnecessary Drama

The Bachelor Review image

This week’s episode of the The Bachelor, is full of drama, but not in a good way. As with every episode, there’s plenty of material for romance and dating junkies to dissect, review, learn and reject. Today, we bring you the hits, misses and red flags from the most recent episode.

What Happened

This week’s episode was full of drama between the women, and not a whole lot of romance with the leading bachelor. The episode starts with Bachelor Ben Higgins taking one woman on a private helicopter ride around the Los Angeles area. He takes her to a hot tub that magically appears outside in a deserted field. They kiss. He then goes on a group date with many women who play an intense game of team soccer. One group wins and he goes on a date with them as a group. The group date ended with all of the women gathering to gossip about another lady contestant’s feet and breath. Higgins ends the episode by going on a private date with one woman, who happens to be a war veteran. They have what’s looks like an awkward and overly emotional date, where she cries about being adopted. The woman left at the house don’t all of the attention that the veteran contestant receives from the bachelor, so they conspire to confront her. The veteran avoids the confrontation and cries with Higgins instead.

There was a lot of crying and outbursts in this episode, so I ended up fast-forwarding through much of it. I enjoy watching the show for all of the accidental social commentary on dating and relationships, but sometimes the producers at ABC take the trivial drama too far. Why must so many women cry in every episode because they didn’t have enough quality time with the bachelor? Obviously, as a viewer, I understand that many of the women are exaggerating their emotions and putting on an act for the cameras. Every scene does not need to be this melodramatic tear-fest.

Learning Lessons

Owning Your Flaws: Olivia, the most competitive contestant, managed to steal Higgins away this episode, which made several other contestants jealous. They acted on their envy by gossiping about her feet, breast size and breath. When Olivia heard about the gossip, she shrugged it off and told the camera deadpanned “I have horrible feet, I know it.” She owned her faults, and kept things moving. I respect her ability to move on from the petty gossip.

Comforting Your Spouse in Need: Toward the end of the episode, Higgins revealed that a relative passed away. Olivia used the opportunity to ignore his issues and talk to Higgins about her cankles. This was an insensitive thing to do. Jubilee, on the other hand, reached out to Higgins and asked how she could comfort him. She ended up giving him a back massage, which he enjoyed. Jubilee gets points for finding a way to make her spouse feel better during hard times, something that all caring women should do.

Knowing When to Walk Away: Lace, the insecure contestant, quit the show. This was a good decision because she was coming across as needy, jealous and desperate on camera. Higgins did not seem to look sad when Lace said that she was leaving, so she made a good choice. Lace’s situation is one that I think every single person can relate to―you cannot make someone like you, no matter how hard you try to force it. If someone is not returning your phone calls, taking the initiative to text you or even desiring to be seen with you in public, please understand that they do not like you as much as you like them. Walk away.

Unlady-like Mistakes

Being Bitter: Jami leaves the show and says that she feels silly for believing that another person could love her. She ranted in her exiting confessional about how much men have disappointed her and that all people are disappointing. Why would anyone want to date someone that is bitter to that level about love and dating?

Chewing with Your Mouth Open: On three occasions in the episode, Jubilee was caught practicing poor dinner etiquette. She literally spit out caviar on a date and latter stuffed her mouth with crackers. Later in the episode, she was talking to a group of women and had so much food in her mouth that she had to grip the table while she swallowed. Always remember to take smaller bites, especially when you are eating around other people. She could benefit from taking an etiquette class or reviewing basic dinner etiquette pointers.

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The Bachelor Review: High School Lessons

The cast of The Bachelor

Can you use science to find out if you’re compatible with another person? That’s the question raised this week in the latest episode of ABC’s The Bachelor. As with every episode, there’s plenty of material for romance and dating junkies to dissect, review, learn and reject. We bring you the hits, misses and red flags from the most recent episode.

The Bachelor Review imageWhat Happened

In this week’s episode, Bachelor Ben Higgins brought one group of the lady contestants to a high school aptly named “Bachelor High” to gauge their ability to conduct a science experiment that will “make Ben’s heart explode.” Some women worked better together in teams than others, and it showed dearly. One woman who lost a competition said that she would not murder her partner, but instead find a way for her to “tactfully disappear.” ABC really ran out of ideas for this episode, because not all of the games fit with the high school theme. Sure, there is a challenge where the women have a geography quiz and another where they run track, but why was there a game where they bob for apples? I don’t remember bobbing for apples in high school.

Lace from the Bachelor
Lace from the Bachelor

After the high school competition, the women all go on a group date with Higgins. During the date, one contestant named Lace decides she needs to get time with Higgins. They meet and there is no chemistry. It is uncomfortable to watch. Later, she pulls him aside when he is meeting with another woman to say that she’s not crazy, but she needs more time with him. It’s probably not a good idea on a first date to preface a conversation with a man you like by saying “Yeah, I’m not crazy but…[INSERT ANYTHING HERE].” This woman Lace is most certainly crazy.

The Bachelor may be fake and scripted in a lot of ways, but certainly not in all ways. The Bachelor is true to form in highlighting the awkward and uncomfortable nature of dating. This is evident when Higgins goes on a private date with bubbly Kayla and realizes they have nothing to talk about on their date. For whatever reason, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube join them on their date, and the two daters end up asking each other about their favorite colors in front of the celebrities. Higgins and his date go on to continue their date in a hot tub.

Later, in a separate group challenge, a second group of women goes to a science center to test their attraction and compatibility with Higgins using pseudoscientific pheromone testing. Higgins says that one woman smells “sour.” Yikes.

Learning Lessons

Photo of Olivia with Ben
Olivia with Ben

Feminine Role Model: Olivia, one of the most feminine women on the show, makes a clear connection with Higgins for the second week in a row. Her makeup is moderately applied and she is very flirty, yet not overly sexual. She laughs often and knows how to be playful with men. Best of all, she comes close enough to kiss him, but waits on him to make the final move. She knows what she is doing with Higgins, and she makes the other lady contestants nervous. In fact, they confronted her in the episode because they say it seems like “Olivia versus the rest of the house.” I predict that Olivia will go far, but will continue to piss off other lady contestants.

Being Cute, But Not Too Sexual: During the hot tub date, Kayla chose to keep things rated PG. Back in my younger days, I would have made a move to at least sit on one of Higgins’ legs in the hot tub, but Kayla refrained from that behavior. Good for her. On the down side, another contestant this episode made things Rated NC17 when she got on her knees to bobble for apples. I would not have done that on any date. Let’s keep it classy ladies.

Unlady-like Mistakes

Being Needy and Insecure: Lace is one of the saddest girls I have ever seen on The Bachelor. She constantly pulls Higgins away from talking to other women to chastise him for not paying enough attention to her. Then when they are together and alone, she dominates the conversation by talking over him, then tries to force an emotional connection with him by discussing parts of her past.

Lace comes off insecure, needy and irrational and she knows it. Higgins unfortunately also knows it, and I’m sure he keeps her around on the show for the ratings boost. Ladies, don’t be clingy with a man, and don’t try to force an emotional connection to happen. Most importantly, make sure to get a grip of your emotions―your man doesn’t need to hear about every little transgression that is bothering you. Instead, when you are feeling uptight, try talking to your girlfriends about the little things.

Being Too Forthcoming About Your Past: As we’ve discussed before, real ladies shut their mouths. Why is Kayla and Lace talking about past relationships on their dates? Kayla talked about being hurt by men twice(!) on her date with Higgins, and without any prompting from him. Never tell a man (or anyone!) about how much people have abused you in the past because you also end up telling them how you allowed people to being so disrespectful to you.

Big Mouth Girl: I like Olivia’s feminine style and grace, but she has to cool it with the giant whale mouth thing because it’s not cute. Close your mouth girl.

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15 Ways to Attract the Right Man this Winter

Sexy man in coat

Look at this man:

Man on bed

Or this one:

Shirtless Man

Or these men:

Sexy man in coat

Tyson Beckford

As a classy woman, what do you have to offer these men that will make them come back for more? It certainly isn’t sex because these men can easily get sex from a random promiscuous woman at a local bar. It isn’t your looks because there are millions of beautiful women in the world, so that doesn’t make you in particular special. Could it be your DVD collection? No, these men probably do not want to see your movie collection because they probably have a Netflix account. So, what will bring them back for more once you’ve already caught their eye?

Your nurturing side will keep them coming back. Can you cook a decent meal? Is your home tidy and neat or messy and cluttered? Can you give back or neck massages? How often do you show your friends and family that you care about them? When is the last time you gave someone a gift when it wasn’t the holiday season or their birthday? How often do you give hugs? What does your home really smell like? Be honest.

Feminine and caring women have an advantage in today’s dating market. Since it is the winter season and many people have downtime at work, now may be a good time to brush up on your Susie Homemaker domestic skills. Here are a few ideas:

Create Well-decorated Rooms

Living room photo

Make Sure Your Toilet Sparkles

Bathroom towel

Eliminate Clutter in Your Home

Use Boxes, Drawers & Trunks to Organize Items

Find a Difficult Recipe and Perfect It

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Learn How to Cook a Meal from Scratch

Holiday dinner table. Photo by Pexels.
Photo by Pexels.

Find Ways to Reuse Leftovers

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Learn How to Properly do Laundry

Teach Yourself How to Sew a Hem

Become Buddies with Your Iron

Create a Weekly Cleaning Schedule

Pexelsperson-looking-searching-clean

Read next: Why Is My Doctor Pushing Birth Control on Me?

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Ladies Shut Their Mouths

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I like to talk, like a lot. Especially if I’m dating a guy that I connect with. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is being able to have honest and intimate conversations with a person who knows you better than you even know yourself. But I, like a lot of young women, had to learn the hard way that everything should not be shared with a man, your coworkers or your relatives. There is such thing as polite conversation.

In her book “Commonsense Etiquette,” Marjabelle Young Stewart argues that unpleasant conversation causes undue stress to others. She writes:

I find that the best table conversations, whether for a family dinner or a formal one, are those that are of interest to most or all the people at the table and that have elements of humor or surprise. I try to avoid subjects that are unpleasant and likely to cause distress or argument. Detailed recountings of the mundane events of the day probably won’t add much to a meal, but amusing stories and bits of news will.

Etiquette bookIn other words, be pleasant. At all times. Otherwise, you close doors to potential opportunities at work and with potential suitors. Since we are concerned with relationships at Ladies Again, here are a few things you should never discuss with a man you are interested in, as long as you live:

Bodily fluids. Why do so many women want to talk to men about their periods? I do not understand the logic of being gross with your man. No one wants to date a woman who talks freely about farting, burping or vomiting after a hard night of drinking with the girls. Polite conversation is for the man’s benefit, not yours, because you do not want to make him feel uncomfortable. I know that as a woman you probably feel comfortable enough with your spouse to discuss everything about your life, but trust me, he does not ever want to hear it. Save the conversations about bodily fluids with your mom, friends or gynecologist.

Your sexual history. In When Harry Met Sally, the two main characters casually joke over lunch about their previous sexual experiences. It was a cute moment in the film, but a scene like that never happens in reality. A man never wants to hear details about your previous sexual experiences. Remember, you are lady and you need to act accordingly. It is unacceptable for you to brag about the number of men you have slept with or discuss your reckless sexually fluid past. It is disgusting to do so because you are not, and will never be, one of the guys. For many men, it is just as grotesque for a woman to discuss her sexual escapades as it is for a woman to discuss her menstrual cycle.

Always keep your number of sexual partners close to your heart. Let’s remember that ladies keep their number of sexual partners low because they do not want to get emotionally attached or impregnated by the wrong man. Therefore, you should only be thinking about having sex with men who are in committed relationships with you. Second, you should avoid any conversation about past sexual partners. In general, if your number of sexual partners is already high, you will have to lie if the conversation comes up. Remember to play coy in bed; you have never tried crazy sex positions before and you have no idea how oral sex works.

Your past relationships. It is just in bad form to discuss past relationships as it is to discuss your sexual escapades. You do not want to make your current beau feel jealous or inadequate by blabbering about your exes. Or make him feel like he is dating used goods or community property. As far as you know, your ex-boyfriend is dead to you. Also, never discuss any crazy dates you have been on. From henceforth, all ex-boyfriends are now referred to “friends.” You did not go to that wedding with your ex-fiance, you went with a friend from college. All photos and videos of you with your ex-boyfriend must be destroyed.

Did I miss any other impolite conversation topics? Let me know in the comments below.

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7 Signs You’ve Already Lost the Guy

Woman with smartphone.

I’m on a strict dating regime where I am looking specifically for a man who would like to be married sometime in the near future. I have never slept around frivolously, but I have certainly wasted my time dating and hanging out with men who were not serious about long-term relationships (see the alpha male I dated here). I have been on maybe 15 dates in the last month, some good, some bad. Along the way, I have learned a few lessons from men circulating in the dating world.

Above all, I have learned that a man will show you immediately if he is interested in dating you for the long-term. Likewise, a person (even a friend!) will also show you very quickly if their intentions do not match with yours. You just have to pay attention to the following signs that they are not excited about the prospect of forming a relationship with you:

If he invites you back to his place multiple times, you have already lost the potential for a relationship. A man will make up any excuse to get a woman he is interested in to his bedroom. It is a telling sign if all of his date ideas involve doing something at his house. Let’s watch a movie at my place. I have to return my motorcycle helmet. I left my wallet upstairs. There is weed at my house. I need to check on my cat. (Note: Is it bad that I once fell for that last one? I really wanted to see the cat!). A lady would have communicated at some point on the first date that you want to take things slowly. Ladies say confidently “I don’t do casual” and respectable men listen and take heed. If a man pushes your boundaries and tries multiple times to get you back to his place, then you already know that he is only after the sex. If he brings up sex at all on the first date, it is already over.

If he is annoyed by your high standards for commitment, then he is not the guy for you. This is a good thing―now you know the kind of man that you are dating up front, within the first few weeks of dating. Better to know now than to sleep with him and get emotionally and physically invested in the relationship. True ladies have sex with men who are emotionally invested in them.

If he does not make plans to see you again, he does not care if he sees you again. You met a great man and you cannot wait to see him again. But how does he feel about you really? Pay close attention to how he asks you out on a second date. A man that is really interested in you will make plans for a second date during the first date. He will already have ideas about seeing you again. A guy who feels only so-so about you will get around to following up with you when he feels like it.

If he does not call you or return phone calls promptly, he is not excited to talk to you. A man that is truly interested in you will go out of his way to call you and hear your voice. If he does not care what you are doing on the weekend, he does not actually care about you on a relationship level. An interested man wants to know what you are doing during the week; a less-interested man may only call to find out when you are going to come over to his place to have sex. A less-interested man is only calling you for his own selfish reasons because he wants to know when you are coming over to please him. Additionally, a man that is not really into you will text you rather than call you. He will text once or twice a week, if that.

If he wants to split the check every time, he is not interested in acting as a provider. If he wants to split the check with you every time, you are just someone that he is hanging out with, not someone that he wants to provide for. Worse, if he insists that you pay your fair share every time, he might be a secret white knight Feminazi in disguise.

If he disappears for days at a time, he does not care about keeping you informed about his life. You do not have to talk to your date every day, but if you do not hear from him for days at a time, then he is not really interested in you. I once dated a guy who went missing for ten days without warning. His cell phone was off and he did not return my phone calls or text messages (allegedly, he was on a business trip; the relationship ended immediately after that experience). Pay particular attention to men who pull disappearing acts because you do not want to end up, for instance, pregnant and tied to an absentee father.

If he introduces you as a friend, he is not totally committed to the idea of dating you. Relationship titles matters because it helps both parties in a relationship understand how they are connected to one another. Additionally, men tend to be protective, so a man who is interested in you wants to know that you are loyal and committed to him. If he does not want to put a label on the relationship after weeks or months of dating, then he is not completely interested in you.

If he does not want to talk about the future, then he does not care about having a future with you. Men who are interested in marriage and kids will not panic when you bring up those subjects.

When men show any of these signs, the potential for a relationship is already gone. It is then time for you to move on and begin to date someone new. So really, it is not that you’ve lost the guy, but that he has already lost you.

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Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable”: Feminine or Not?

Beyonce

beyonce mean muggingBeyonce is arguably one of the most powerful names in music right now. Her eclectic sound and feminist message hypnotizes many women into feeling a strong sense of liberation and community.

However, her message can often come across as confusing as well. You may find her singing lyrics such as:

“Let me cater to you…do anything for my man…” -Destiny’s Child, Cater 2 U

or “Nothing’s perfect, but it’s worth it…” – Beyonce, Love on Top

This sounds like the voice of a loyal, dedicated woman, right? Then, the next song from her is a raging feminist manifesto about how much she doesn’t need a man. Consider these lyrics:

“The rocks I’m rockin’, I bought ’em, cuz I depend on me!” -Destiny’s Child, Independent Woman

and “This goes out to all my girls
That’s in the club rocking the latest
Who will buy it for themselves and get more money later” -Beyonce, Run the World (Girls)

The confusing messages don’t stop there, because when we consider the song Bills Bills Bills, which contain lyrics such as:

“Can you pay my bills…I don’t think you do. So, you and me are through!”

Grammatical errors aside, her musical personality often comes across as that of a sufferer of borderline personality disorder.

This issue poses a challenge for women who look to her as the voice of feminine sensibility or worse, men who refer to her when trying to understand the female mind. For this reason, I have chosen one of her songs for consideration in a new series I am creating here for Ladies Again entitled “Feminine or Not?”

beyonce irreplaceableIn this series, I will take a pop culture concept or reference and break it down for readers in terms of its alignment with femininity or lack thereof.

Today, I will be analyzing Beyonce’s hit song “Irreplaceable”.

From the very beginning of the song it rejects femininity and leans towards the arrogance of modern feminism as we find Beyonce aggressively ejecting her inadequate romantic partner from the scene with a battle cry:

“To the left! To the left!

Everything you own in a box to the left!”

The song goes on and on about everything she has done for this man and how undeserving he is of her pity. Now, granted, she is a jilted lover, but it is interesting to note that everything she holds against him has a monetary value.

“…that’s my stuff…

…I bought it….

…It’s my name that’s on that Jag(uar)…”

This is an important point, because it says something about the character of this woman which will become increasingly evident as we continue through the song. Spoiler alert: She has a CREAM culture mentality and this has led her to believe that her financial success absolves her of any social accountability. Consider these lines:

“I can have another you in a minute…

…So don’t…(think) you’re irreplaceable…”

She clearly sees people as commodities similar to the objects she withholds to manipulate this man, i.e. disposable and acquirable through financial leverage.

And before you begin to sympathize with her, because she was cheated on:

“Call up that chick and see if she’s home!

Oops! I bet you thought that I didn’t know!

What did you think I was putting you out for?!”

Consider the lines that soon follow this revelation:

“You was untrue

Rollin’ around in the car that I bought you!

Baby, drop them keys!

Hurry up before your taxi leaves!”

Beyonce-angryI am willing to bet that this man’s infidelity resulted from being so emasculated by her manipulation and power tripping, that he had to sleep around just to remind himself that he still had balls! She sounds like she’s talking to her house help in this song and not a romantic partner!

So, to answer the question posed by this article. This song is:

NOT FEMININE!

Femininity supports your significant other with love and compassion, regardless of his financial situation and does not use one’s advantage as a tool of manipulation, but rather patiently encourages the best out of her partner. For an example of this, consider the song “Your Love is My Love” by Whitney Houston with lyrics such as:

“If I lose my fame and fortune
And I’m homeless on the street
And I’m sleepin’ in Grand Central Station
It’s okay if you’re sleepin’ with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other’s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It’s okay as long as I got you babe”

Those are the words of a woman with eternity in mind. Those are the words of a woman that knows that we are all in this together. Those are the words of a lady!

Do you like Beyonce’s song “Irreplaceable”? Please tell us why or why not in the comment section below!

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True Christians are Real Ladies

What Jesus taught me about becoming a Lady Again

Photo credit: DSC_9191 via photopin
Photo credit: DSC_9191 via photopin

In the last year or so, I have become a part of a church community that heavily promotes Bible reading and prayer. This is significant, because I have been to many churches that do not intentionally encourage it’s members to engage in these fundamental practices of Christianity.

Similarly noteworthy is the fact that the church consists of a predominant (and immediately observable) young adult population. I mean, you walk into this church and you think “am I on a college campus?!” These are all young professional men and women, reading Bibles and committing to “The Lord’s work”.

Since I started to attend this church I have seen more women become engaged, or begin committed romantic relationships on the path to marriage, than I have experienced in any other circle of friends I have had in my life (except on facebook, but in those cases the word “friends” is loosely defined and I have over 1000 of them). That being said, many of these relationships seem quite happy and fulfilled.

Additionally, I have attended several sermons and/or workshops where the focus is “commitment” or “love”, or some other important factor of effectual relationships. I realized quickly from observing the women (and men) at this church, that I (and most of us) are doing things wrong, and that’s why we’re so unhappy with our lives.

Many Christian values promoted in the church, are things I have thought about or was told, but never implemented into the way I do things. I think the difference is that these are “old school” values that many people have rejected as irrelevant or oppressive, but which promote the effective application of many of the creature comforts our society most cherishes including:

  • committed relationships
  • financial stability
  • peace of mind
  • security
  • health
Photo credit: Без названия via Photopin.com
Photo credit: Без названия via Photopin.com

It’s interesting that these are things that we all want out of life, and in fact they are things that history has demonstrated determines our very survival, but we continue to try to create new rules to achieve these things. Then, when our new rules fail us, we decide that it’s our human nature that’s got it wrong and we try to fix ourselves (which leads to more problems).

What I have learned is that there are core values that the Bible teaches that help us to achieve those things that give us (and for the sake of this blog, I’m talking about ladies), the creature comforts most of us claim to desire in life. These values are:

  • Commitment: The Bible encourages commitment, and I have heard many leaders at this church preach commitment many times. The idea behind commitment is that “life is hard”, period. When you commit to things (in work, romance, faith, etc.) and persevere through trials, you will find fulfillment and often times peace.
  • Humility: This church is big on the passage in Philippians 2 that praises how Jesus “being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but humbled himself as a servant…” I have come to believe that there is absolutely no way a woman can have peace in a committed relationship without humility. (Men as well, but we’re talking about women here).
  • Service: It talked about Jesus being a servant. The Bible also uses words like “submit” and “obey” which a lot of people today feel are “dirty words”. But Jesus said that he came “not to be served, but to serve”.
  • Selflessness: The opposite of this is selfishness, which makes people do things to benefit themselves with no concern for the welfare of others. I do not see how one can live in community (peacefully) without this value.
  • Forgiveness: Recognizing that nobody is perfect, and that we all need to lovingly be encouraging to one another seems, to me, to be so important for those things that promote “good living”.

I could go on and on with values like patience and perseverance that are also taught in the Bible, but in the interest of brevity, I’ll leave it here.

Not saying that people outside of the church do not esteem these same values, but the difference between those in the church and those outside of the church is that those in the church (specifically those who fully embrace the idea of “Christ-likeness” in these ways) attach their very identities to these core values. Many non-Christians or uncommitted Christians may see the appropriateness of these values, but either:

  • don’t identify with them
  • don’t find these values realistic to embrace
  • are unsure about the benefits of these values
  • or have any of a number of limiting beliefs that make it hard to embrace and/or apply these values.

That is unfortunate, because I feel that embracing these values, along with prayer and Bible study has changed my life (and health) in ways that are so far reaching that it’s difficult to describe. However, I will do my best to discuss some of these in future articles.

Question of the Day: Do you think the world can do better without Christian values? Why or why not?

 

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My Four-Prong Approach to Becoming a Lady Again

Photo credit: Jill Glindermann, winner of the Sun Girl Quest at Suttons Beach, 1953 via photopin
Photo credit: Jill Glindermann, winner of the Sun Girl Quest at Suttons Beach, 1953 via photopin

In October 2014, I joined the Ladies Again team with the agenda of embracing my femininity in order to achieve my goals.

With my birthday coming up in a little over a month, I have been thinking a lot about how far I have come on this journey. The answer is: not that far.

I’ve begun posts about getting healthy again, finding a husband, making money and revamping my image. However, in all honesty, I have not kept on top of my new commitment to the extent that I had hoped.

  • I have not lost any weight (I may have gained some).
  • I have not had a steady and healthy romantic relationship.
  • My career is on shaky ground (and I’m broke).
  • I’m sitting here wearing an old t-shirt with grease stains on it.

However, what I have accomplished is:

I have made these small strides in the past 4 months, but now I’m ready to take a few leaps. Here is my plan to make that happen.

I will be focusing my Ladies Again journey on four main areas:

Number 1: Career Goal: To become a home business

  • We at Ladies Again recognize how hard it is for a woman to feel empowered in her femininity when she is tied down to a traditional career (Punching the clock is often incompatible with raising a family). I personally, have no interest on selling my family time to a faceless corporation that I probably hate. So, for this reason, one of my goals is to empower myself by doing something I have always dreamed of (i.e. become an entrepreneur). I feel that doing this will make me happier, healthier and give me more freedom to nurture healthy relationships.
Couple embracing. Photo credit: Mirando al mar via photopin
Photo credit: Mirando al mar via photopin

Number 2: Marriage Goal: To be in a meaningful romantic relationship by December of 2015

  • Playing the tomboy role and chasing my career my whole life has left me lonely and awkward at 30 years old. For this reason, I have some catching up to do. Utilizing dating advice, resources and maybe even websites, I intend to put myself out there in a meaningful way and record my process here on Ladies Again.
  • I will be using dating techniques from various books which I will review and discuss on this blog. My first book selection is Get the Guy, which is a book written by Matthew Hussey, a man (and dating coach) that I first discovered on youtube about a year ago. Look out for my review and discussions about how I’m applying the ideas in that book in later blog posts.

Number 3: Beauty Goal: To achieve a more feminine appearance and embrace my natural feminine physical strengths

  • This is crucial to the execution of my marriage goal and plays into my health goal as well

Number 4: Health Goal: To steadily and consistently lose weight until I reach 125 lbs

This is merely a brief overview of my four pronged approach to becoming a Lady Again. I hope to go into further details on these goals in future articles. So, stay tuned!

What steps are you taking to meet your objectives this year? Leave a comment or a question. We would love to hear from you and we would love to help!

Read next: Why I Decided to Become a Lady Again

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