If you’re dating, it’s normal for you to feel that you might not be emotionally or sexually compatible with your date. It’s quite another thing for you to feel so repulsed by your date that you never want to speak to them again, even just to give them the courtesy of telling them that you do not want to go out on a second date. When a guy does not call, text or email you after a date, it is usually because something happened during the date that turned him off completely (of course, the reversal also happens when you don’t feel like calling the guy after a date). What would make a guy choose to run for the hills after meeting you? That is the question dating coach Rachel Greenwald asks in her book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date.” In the book, Greenwald reveals the insights gained from interviewing 1,000 single men about why they did not call back after a date.
The book shares honest and raw feedback from men who complained about everything from messy eaters to loquacious talkers to neurotic planners. What is interesting about the book is that the majority of the men admitted to dismissing women for very clear and consistent reasons. Some dismissal reasons were obvious, but others were easy to miss. We all know that men do not like bossy and men women (those were the top two reasons to dismiss a woman), but it is less known that men are intimidated by pampered princesses or that they hate cynical women.
Greenwald personified all of the male date-breakers into what she calls “dating stereotypes.” The Boss Lady is the number cited reason for a no-callback, and The Blahs comes in at a close second. Out of the 4,152 dates described by men in Greenwald’s survey, here are the top 11 reasons why men aren’t calling women back after a first date (listed in order of mentions):
- She is bossy and unfeminine (NUMBER ONE REASON)
- She is boring or not as interesting as her online persona
- She lied about her appearance or attitude in some way
- She is rich or spoiled
- She wants to know where things are going…way too soon
- She reveals too much personal information too quickly
- She is mean, uncaring or self-centered
- She is cynical or hypercritical
- She mentions her ex
- She talks way too much
- She takes the lead too much
*Honorable mention: Many men interviewed said that it’s a turnoff if the relationship moves to physical intimacy too soon. In fact, some say casual sex is temporarily fun and easy, yet boring. One man said “It’s like doing halfies–the body without the heart.” He says the cuddling, if there is any, is fake.
Greenwald asks readers to recognize themselves in the character stereotypes, and work on ways to appear less irritating to their dates. For instance, women who tend to be dominating and bossy on their dates could benefit by finding ways to show their nurturing side on their dates. Also, women who tend to be highly conscientious or aggressive at work could benefit from relaxing on their dates and refraining from asking probing questions about the future (i.e., never ask a man on a first date if he plans to get married or have a family).
I highly recommend the book, as it helped me learn that I can be too aggressive on my dates by asking my dates about their intentions for the future. Asking too soon about a man’s intentions or hopes for the future can squash any spontaneity or excitement from the date. Asking about a man’s intentions also does not seem to be a very effective way to find the information that you’re seeking. Anyone can lie and say that they are looking for a relationship when they actually want a hookup; likewise, a person can say that they looking for a hookup but could still be open to being in a long-term relationship with the right woman. It’s best to pay attention to a man’s actions to determine whether he is interested in getting more than sex from you.
Which date-breaker rules are you violating? To get the precise answer, Greenwald recommends having a friend, coach or counselor conduct an exit interview with a person who did not call you back after a date. She says that exit interviews can provide insight into negative patterns that you may be making on your dates. She includes an Exit Interview script in her book that is very informative.
Are you willing to have a friend call a person that you once dated to find out what went wrong? Share in the comments below!