I date and I don’t like to move fast on dates (Ladies Again readers know about my victories and struggles in dating). Sometimes I get pressured to move fast and have sex, and this makes me uncomfortable and I’m not always sure of the most tactful way to respond. But every now and then, something reminds me to remember why I wait to have sex with someone or invite them to my home: They could give you a disease. They could leave you pregnant and alone. Or they could slice your head off and leave it in a recycling bin in Seattle.
I want to share news about what happened to Ingrid Lyne, a mother of three who was recently murdered after meeting a man for a date. She invited the man over to her house the last day that seen alive. It turns out that the man she was dating for one month had a long criminal rap sheet, which is something that a person might not reveal after just one month of dating. It is great that she waited to bring him over to her house, but you just never know if the person you’re dating is crazy.
Police and court records in Utah show Charlton was charged with first-degree felony aggravated robbery for a June 24, 2006, carjacking in Layton, a small city 15 miles south of Ogden. Layton police Lt. Travis Lyman told The Salt Lake Tribune on Tuesday that, according to a police report, a woman and her baby were in the back seat of a van while her husband was in a bookstore when Charlton ordered them out and stole the vehicle.
Police were alerted and the van was spotted on Interstate 15. An officer followed it to the parking lot of a Target store in Riverdale, Utah, where Charlton was arrested. Charlton agreed to plead guilty to a lesser count of attempted aggravated robbery and was sentenced to one to 15 years. Records show he served about 21 months before he was released on June 24, 2008.
My heart goes out to her children, who have lost their mother. My heart goes out to her family who have to pick up the pieces after her death.
Earlier, in a previous article, I celebrated the fact that San Francisco is overflowing with single, educated and wealthy eligible bachelors. I may have spoken too soon. Since I moved to the Bay Area a few months ago, I have met more flaky, unreliable and beta men than I can count. Sure, there is a large quantity of single men in California, but there seems to also be a shortage of masculine and relationship-minded men in the area. It’s a little too easy to find drunk tech bros who are looking for easy sex. So how is a single, traditional woman going to find a stable traditional man in the land of work-obsessed passive men?
To get help in the dating arena, I reached out to a dating and relationship expert at PracticalHappiness.com. In the interview below, one dating coach teaches women how to find quality men, increase their femininity and find success with online dating:
How did you become a dating coach?
I was inspired by dealing with my own challenges. I was a virgin until 21 and had to overcome just about every insecurity and dating issue―from bad acne and a fear of approaching girls to being controlling, jealous and possessive. I was eager to share my discoveries of what I found to be effective vs. useless as far as dating advice goes after reading so many books, attending so many seminars, watching and listening to so many programs and also reflecting on my own experiences. I offer free articles, videos, small fee-audio programs and books, dating coaching by phone and in person, dating profile review and editing, as well as my favorite―being (undercover) present during first dates and critiquing them later.
Today’s dating marketplace can be frustrating for traditionally-minded women, i.e. those women who prefer to be in long-term loving relationships as opposed to hooking up with strangers and prefer to date masculine stable men, as opposed to feminine ones. What can traditional women do to attract men who share their traditional values?
I think the most important thing women can do to attract traditional men is to develop and showcase their traditional qualities and behavior―not to be too aggressive or too “independent.” Confidence is good, but too much confidence can be off-putting and much worse than any insecurity. A woman who sounds like a CNN anchor is hardly a turn-on to a traditional guy. In addition, knowing how to cook, and not talking about work and career all the time can be quite helpful too.
Where should women go to meet those men? What kind of qualities should women look for in potential suitors?
I believe that these type of men are more likely to be found in churches/synagogues, as well as personal growth seminars and lectures, and graduate classes. Live theater is also great. Some women assume that only ultra-religious guys go to churches, but that’s not the case. I have gone a few times out of curiosity and was really surprised by the very friendly and open vibe that many such events have. These types of places not only attract more of the “right” men but they also likely to not attract the less serious kind who usually lean more toward happy hour drinking, baseball watching, etc…
Most women today limit their social outings to overpriced restaurants, and as we all know, nothing really happens there besides a few careful glances here and there. There is no opportunity or a meaningful reason for interaction, let alone connection.
What can women do to better showcase their femininity while dating? How can they increase their level of femininity on a daily basis?
On a daily basis women should avoid bragging or sounding too full of themselves. They should avoid being overdressed or using too much make up, and they should also avoid the other extreme―tattoos, piercings, sloppy hair. You don’t need to look like a runway model, but you also don’t need to look like a Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. Softening a voice is very helpful too. Working out is great, but looking over-the-top athletic like GI Jane is also not feminine. Most of us guys do not like to see triceps and six- packs on a woman.
When dating, women should show they guy that they like when he is taking charge and making the small decisions for them (where to go out, what to order, etc…). Little things like fixing a guy’s collar, asking him what he would like to eat, and showing him that you enjoy pleasing him is very effective.
A lot of women are participating in online dating to meet men. How can women date effectively online? How can women enhance their online profiles?
Women should do two things when it comes to online dating:
(1) Make your profile stand out by removing all the clichés statements such as: “I like to play hard and work hard,” lose any type bragging about how accomplished and successful you are, and not sound too over-the-top happy and positive to the point of being unrealistic and non-genuine. When it comes to photos, lose all the skydiving, rock-climbing, snowboarding and yoga pose photos. There are just too many of them. A boring office photo in a flattering, fitting business outfit might just be refreshing considering what all the other women post. Remember, you want the attention to be on you; not on the Grand Canyon or Eiffel Tower behind you.
(2) Talk with a guy on the phone first before you meet to avoid meeting countless strangers after just a few texts or e-mails. This is something huge that I believe people are missing out on today. You want to look forward to the guy you are meeting after you talk on the phone with him. And if you don’t feel that way after a phone conversation, you shouldn’t be meeting him at all. Of course, a phone conversation is not a guarantee that you will like each other in person, but it’s a very good start.
Is it possible for traditionally-minded women to make it clear in their online dating profile that they are looking only for long-term relationships? What is the best way to tell a man that you do not want to have sex early?
I don’t think stating in the profile what you are looking for and what you are looking to avoid is very effective. Players cast their net wide so it won’t make much of a difference. One thing that can be done is not posting photos that are too provocative should be somewhat helpful in at least not attracting too many of those guys who are going through profiles super quickly and just looking for women who have the sexiest pictures.
What is dating fatigue and how can it be avoided?
Dating fatigue is a state where you become unexcited about dating because of a large number of dates in a short period of time that didn’t go anywhere. Once going on dates feels more like work than fun, then you know you have a dating fatigue. It can be avoided by not going on this many dates this often and by being pickier―i.e. by only going out with those guys who you established some kind of connection with on the phone first.
What are your thoughts on the phenomenon called “ghosting”, when men (and women) would rather disappear than have to tell someone that they are no longer interested in dating them? What is the best way for a person to tell someone that they are dating that they are no longer interested?
Ghosting is the easiest way out, so it’s not surprising that it’s so popular. I think a simple text “I don’t think we are a good match, best of luck to you” is much better, and it will save the other person days or weeks of wondering what’s going on and whether you will contact them again, and it only requires a minimal amount of work and courage.
What are the top dating mistakes that people make?
Looking unapproachable in casual situations when there should be a good opportunity to meet someone in real life, talking about work on dates too much, being afraid to be sarcastic or negative on dates every now and then when appropriate, which makes them come across as less real, bragging, talking too much, talking about themselves too much, and trying to figure out whether there is chemistry in 30 minutes without giving an interaction a more meaningful chance.
Any other dating pointers?
Yes, don’t try to act too busy or too unavailable. It doesn’t flatter you or makes you more attractive, but only creates additional obstacles. Forget about being a challenge. It might have worked a decade ago, but not anymore. Today, we like those more who like us. Not being flaky and being punctual will set you apart from others in this progressively more flaky world. Don’t be afraid to have real conversations and skipping the boring small talk. Don’t hurry with the “what do you do” types of conversations. Don’t discuss your online dating stories―that’s what friends do; not potential partners.