Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

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If you’re dating, it’s normal for you to feel that you might not be emotionally or sexually compatible with your date. It’s quite another thing for you to feel so repulsed by your date that you never want to speak to them again, even just to give them the courtesy of telling them that you do not want to go out on a second date. When a guy does not call, text or email you after a date, it is usually because something happened during the date that turned him off completely (of course, the reversal also happens when you don’t feel like calling the guy after a date). What would make a guy choose to run for the hills after meeting you? That is the question dating coach Rachel Greenwald asks in her book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date.” In the book, Greenwald reveals the insights gained from interviewing 1,000 single men about why they did not call back after a date.

BookThe book shares honest and raw feedback from men who complained about everything from messy eaters to loquacious talkers to neurotic planners. What is interesting about the book is that the majority of the men admitted to dismissing women for very clear and consistent reasons. Some dismissal reasons were obvious, but others were easy to miss. We all know that men do not like bossy and men women (those were the top two reasons to dismiss a woman), but it is less known that men are intimidated by pampered princesses or that they hate cynical women.

Greenwald personified all of the male date-breakers into what she calls “dating stereotypes.” The Boss Lady is the number cited reason for a no-callback, and The Blahs comes in at a close second. Out of the 4,152 dates described by men in Greenwald’s survey, here are the top 11 reasons why men aren’t calling women back after a first date (listed in order of mentions):

  1. She is bossy and unfeminine (NUMBER ONE REASON)
  2. She is boring or not as interesting as her online persona
  3. She lied about her appearance or attitude in some way
  4. She is rich or spoiled
  5. She wants to know where things are going…way too soon
  6. She reveals too much personal information too quickly
  7. She is mean, uncaring or self-centered
  8. She is cynical or hypercritical
  9. She mentions her ex
  10. She talks way too much
  11. She takes the lead too much

*Honorable mention: Many men interviewed said that it’s a turnoff if the relationship moves to physical intimacy too soon. In fact, some say casual sex is temporarily fun and easy, yet boring. One man said “It’s like doing halfies–the body without the heart.” He says the cuddling, if there is any, is fake.

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Greenwald asks readers to recognize themselves in the character stereotypes, and work on ways to appear less irritating to their dates. For instance, women who tend to be dominating and bossy on their dates could benefit by finding ways to show their nurturing side on their dates. Also, women who tend to be highly conscientious or aggressive at work could benefit from relaxing on their dates and refraining from asking probing questions about the future (i.e., never ask a man on a first date if he plans to get married or have a family).

I highly recommend the book, as it helped me learn that I can be too aggressive on my dates by asking my dates about their intentions for the future. Asking too soon about a man’s intentions or hopes for the future can squash any spontaneity or excitement from the date. Asking about a man’s intentions also does not seem to be a very effective way to find the information that you’re seeking. Anyone can lie and say that they are looking for a relationship when they actually want a hookup; likewise, a person can say that they looking for a hookup but could still be open to being in a long-term relationship with the right woman. It’s best to pay attention to a man’s actions to determine whether he is interested in getting more than sex from you.

Which date-breaker rules are you violating? To get the precise answer, Greenwald recommends having a friend, coach or counselor conduct an exit interview with a person who did not call you back after a date. She says that exit interviews can provide insight into negative patterns that you may be making on your dates. She includes an Exit Interview script in her book that is very informative.

Are you willing to have a friend call a person that you once dated to find out what went wrong? Share in the comments below!

Read more: Ladies Shut Their Mouths

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Bossy or Feminine? How to Take the Pants Off After Work

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Are you successful in your dating life, but unsuccessful in your love life? While it’s easy to say that men are intimidated by your success, the odds are that the reality of the situation is much different. What is more likely is that you are bringing the masculine skills that you use at work into your dating relationships, and it is a major turn off for the men you are dating. I’m not knocking successful working womenit’s great that you have figured out a way to support yourself by being direct, aggressive, competitive and goal-oriented at work. I am instead knocking women who have not figured out that you cannot carry over your aggressiveness and competitiveness into your dating life and expect men to fall in love with you. Men fantasize about Sofia Vergara’s curves and softness, not Hillary Clinton’s crisp grey pantsuit.

I learned this first-hand from an experience I had with an ex-boyfriend. We were once sharing stories about ex-spouses, and he mentioned that he dated a successful financial manager. He told me that he had to break up with her because she was too controlling. She would decide everything, from where they would go to eat or watch a movie, and by the end of their relationship, she was even giving him orders when they were at home like he was her employee. I remember him saying “If I have to deal with orders all day at work, why would I want to come home to someone causing problems too?”

In this case, the woman did not understand that she has to be nurturing with her spouse, not cold, combative and domineering. Most women do not know that they are behaving this way with men unfortunately, and it shows in research. In the book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date,” 1,000 men surveyed say that they are turned off the most by masculine, argumentative and controlling women. In fact, a large percentage of men surveyed for that book say that they are more likely to dismiss women for bossy behavior than any other kind of behavior. The men classified bossy women in six ways: controlling, argumentative, competitive, unfeminine, excessively independent, and unnurturing.

Since heterosexual men are attracted to women, it makes sense that they are not attracted to masculine women. They want feminine, caring women. In fact, many men surveyed say that the preferred jobs for their future wife are schoolteachers, nurses or chefs. How can you tell if you are a bossy, unfeminine woman? Here are a few questions for you, adapted from “Why He Didn’t Call You Back”:

  • Have you ever said “I want a man, but I don’t need one!”
  • Has anyone ever told you “You’d make a great lawyer”?
  • Do you usually organize events and outings?
  • Have you ever went on a date wearing your work clothes?
  • Do you think you can be defensive?
  • Do you think your career defines you?

How You Can Be Less of a Bossy Lady

Let the man take the lead: Try to manage your controlling side by relaxing and letting the man decide the date location. Or, if you’re already in a relationship, always ask for your spouse’s input on all couple decisions, no matter how small. The man needs to take the lead, or at least feel like he is taking the lead and making decisions. That is the way the world works, and you need to accept that the man needs to feel like a man.

Leave work at work: Don’t spend more than a few minutes talking about work with a date, if you are dating, otherwise, your date will feel like a business dinner.

Dress like a lady: Don’t go on a date wearing your work clothes. Your date clothes should reveal some, but not a lot, of skin. You should be wearing a feminine dress or fitting skirt on a date, not a suit or baggy shift dress.

Find ways to be kind: You job as a woman is to make your man feel as though your existence makes life easier for him than if he lived without you. Figure out a way to be kind and give gifts to your spouse or date. In the book, the author discussed the way one woman would have a bowl of peanuts ready for her husband when he returned home every night from work. Find ways to be kind on a regular basis to your spouse.

Seek therapy: It can be difficult to be a modern woman because we have to find ways to juggle one aggressive personality at work, and another personality at home with our spouses, friends and family. If you have a hard time turning off your workplace behavior, consider going to a therapist or counselor to learn how to better control your masculine impulses (because it’s interfering with your love life!).

Read more: Here’s Why Men Aren’t Calling You Back

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