Is He the Right Guy to Date? Skip the Men Who Party Too Much

The Adicts at SO36. Kreuzberg-Berlin

What’s one of the best ways to figure out if a man is ready for marriage? Ask him how much he enjoys drinking and going out to bars. In one of the greatest books ever written on dating, researcher John T. Molloy argues in “Why men Marry Some Women and Not Others” that the best-suited men for relationships and marriage are those who have already grown tired of the singles scene in bars and nightclubs.

In the book, Molloy and a team of researchers interview men and women just leaving marriage license bureaus to learn more about the similarities between marriage-minded people. Their findings are startling and eye-opening. One of the findings from the research shows that marriage-minded men are those who have grown out of the singles scene.

Man binge drinking.
This guy probably isn’t thinking about marriage and kids.

“Many men reluctantly admitted that for more than a year, they had felt uncomfortable in the singles world where they had been hanging out for the past five years,” Molloy said. “It is not how old they are that makes men uncomfortable, it is how old they feel, or how old others make them feel. Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry.”

So, it’s in your best interest to avoid dating men who love to party because those men are probably not ready to settle down. I’ve experienced this personally. I dated an older man who had absolutely no interest in giving up the bar and partying scene. Going out partying with his boys week after week was just as much a priority to him as spending time with me or with his family. I now know to look specifically for men who are getting bored by the club and bar scene.

The book also provided tips on other ways to find marriage-minded men, including:

There is a specific age range when a man is ready to get married

  • A man whose education ended at the high school level is looking to get married at ages 23 or 24. Similarly, a man whose education ended at the college level is looking to get married at age 26. When men earn graduate degrees, expect that they will want to get married in their late 20s or early 30s.
  • “Ninety percent of men who have graduated from college are ready for the next step between ages twenty-six and thirty-three…But this window of opportunity stays open only for four to five years, and then the changes a man will marry start to decline.” (3)
  • Aim for men who are between ages 28-33.

There are “Stringer” Men Who Have no Intention of Marrying Anyone

  • Have you ever met a man who told you that he’s had several long-term relationships? That man is likely a “Stringer,” a man who enjoys the companionship of women, but has no interest in committing long-term to one specific person.
  • “A stringer is a man who strings women along….He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.”(11)
  • Make a deadline for the stringer to commit: “If he doesn’t commit to you within six months, get rid of him….He may tell you that you’re coming on too strong. He may complain that the two of you haven’t been going together long enough, that he doesn’t know, that he hasn’t made up his mind. In fact, he is likely to tell you anything that will get you to stick around without his needing to make a commitment. Don’t fall for it. The chances a stringer will marry are very slim; he is simply not the marrying kind.”

Some Men are Bachelor’s for Life

  • If you are dating a man in his late forties, it is likely that he will never get married. It is a much better idea to date a man in that age range who has been widowed or divorced, than to marry an older man who has never gotten married.
  • “Once men reach age forty-seven to fifty without marrying, the chances they will marry do not disappear but they drop dramatically.” (10)

Many Men Hate Women

  • Finally, there is a special group of men to avoid—those that think that the majority of women are gold-digging whores. These men distrust women, and think that there are no benefits to getting married (never mind that marriage is the best way to provide a stable home for children or that very few cohabiting relationships tend to last more than a few years).
  • Many men look at women and marriage as poor financial investments. “The irony is that many of the men who spoke this way really didn’t have all that much anyway…If a man talks of marriage as a financial game in which women are out to make their fortunes, don’t just walk away—run! Such men are hardly ever going to be the marrying kind.”

Other Points to Remember

  • Think long and hard about dating someone whose parents had a tumultuous marriage or divorce. Not everyone who has experienced family issues at home are damaged goods obviously, but you should pay attention to how he feels about marriage and divorce.
  • See if he has friends who have are married. If all of his friends are living the single life, he probably will not want to get married yet.
  • Check to see if you have the same values. “Men often marry women whose backgrounds—religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status—match theirs. “Are you both from the same socioeconomic class? Do you belong to the same religion?
  • See if he lives alone because men who live as independent adults are more likely to marry.

Have you ever wasted time on the wrong guy? Talk about it below!

 

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One Date A Week: Bored and Fidgety

One Date a Week

Last year, I swallowed the Red Pill and decided to do all that I could to become a much more feminine and attractive woman. As part of my commitment to reinvent myself, I swore that I would make dating a bigger priority in my life. These are my Red Pill Dating Diaries.

I met a guy on OkCupid, a few weeks after I moved to San Francisco. He was a Ginger guy in his mid-twenties with average build and height. I was impressed that he earned both his bachelors and master’s degrees in software engineering from U.C. Berkeley, a prestigious school in Northern California. We chatted via text or some time before he asked me out to meet up. We met up at a bar for drinks. I now know, after months of dating, that meeting up for drinks is a bad first date idea.

Movie theater. Photo by Thomas Hawk via Flickr.
Movie theater. Photo by Thomas Hawk via Flickr.

What was remarkable about this date was how little we spoke to one another. We didn’t talk much before meeting up, maybe six or seven chats in the OkCupid app, then five to six text messages to go over logistics about meeting up in person. Once we met up, we talked in a bar for maybe 20 minutes before I mentioned that I really wanted to see a new action movie. We headed over to the movie theaters down the street to see the film. While we walked to the theater, he joked, “We could also watch the movie over my house if you want.” I exclaimed “Absolutely not!” We both laughed, but I think we both knew what we were actually discussing beneath the humor. He implicitly asked me to go to his house to have sex with him, and I thought the idea of doing that was ridiculous. I laughed it off, but I knew this date was not going to anywhere. I’m pretty confident he felt the same.

We went to see the action movie in an frigid and empty movie theater downtown. He made it painfully obvious that he didn’t care for the film because he fidgeted and squirmed throughout the entire movie. His sighs went from passive puffs of air to full-bodied vocal exhalations. Once the movie ended, it was clear he wanted nothing to do but to leave the theater. I thought it was a great movie. We split an Uber back to our respective homes. In the car, I thanked him for a great night. I never spoke to him again.

I learned a few things from this date. First, do not meet up blindly with people that you think are cute on an online dating website. Do you two have anything in common? Going on an online date is almost the same as picking a name randomly out of the Yellow Pages—you have no idea what you’re going to get. Spend some time chatting with them to get a sense of why they are interested in dating. Second, take the time to call your dates before you meet up with them to get a feel for whether you enjoy conversing with them.

Have you ever had a boring date? How did you get out of it? Tell your story below!

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One Date A Week: Too Fast for Sex?

Photo by David Yu via Flickr
Photo by David Yu via Flickr

Last year, I swallowed the Red Pill and decided to do all that I could to become a much more feminine and attractive woman. As part of my commitment to reinvent myself, I swore that I would make dating a bigger priority in my life. These are my Red Pill Dating Diaries.

A cute guy reached out to me one day via the dating app POF, Plenty of Fish. We chatted for some time and decided to meet at a bar near his house for drinks. This was maybe my third online date, so I wasn’t well-versed yet in dating to know that it is a bad idea to meet a date at a bar. If a man suggests meeting at a bar for drinks, he usually wants the date to lead to sex as quickly as possible. [Here’s another fact: If a man or woman suggests meeting for coffee for a first date, they have completely lost all hope for romance and spontaneity. Their own personal expectations for love is at the lowest level it will ever be.]

So we met at a bar, and I was surprised at how short he was in real life. He was a Russian software developer who worked for a global consumer business. I like Russian men, so I wanted to get to know him. We ordered drinks, but I barely touched my drink since I despise the taste of alcohol. Also, I do not want to get murdered or raped, so I always refrain from drinking around strangers. Because of limited seating space, we sat shoulder to shoulder, and I think this lead to us both feeling this faux-feeling of closeness. We laughed and joked for three hours, then made plans at the end of the night to see each other again.

We went on a second date that involved sightseeing around the city. At the end of the night, he mentioned that he left something at his home. We went back to his house to retrieve his item, and he instantly tried to kiss me. Then he tried to take off my clothes. I pushed back and explained that we were moving too fast, and I was uncomfortable being at his place on the second date. We left his house immediately after that, but I could tell that he was slightly annoyed with me.

We went on a few more dinner dates over the next few weeks, but he continued to probe me about sleeping with him. Time and time again, our conversations kept comping back to the fact that I was too “restrictive” or “rigid” about my sexual expectations. At first, I thought he was just being a man, and trying to push for sex. But then I realized that he was visibly annoyed that I would not sleep with him within the first month of dating him.

Then he disappeared suddenly for two weeks. After that period, he later texted me to tell me he was not interested in dating me any longer. In those two weeks of silence, I had time to think about the conversations that I had with him and reread through our text messages. It became painfully obvious that he was only looking for sex from the beginning, but was begrudgingly going along with my desire to wait for sex. It was a great thing that he disappeared from the planet, because I had no choice but to realize that he was not really into dating me.

I learned a few things from this experience. First, it is never a great idea to tell a man directly how long you will wait to have sex with them. Do not give out time estimates or parameters about when you will specifically have sex. For example, never say that you have a “Three Month Rule.” Instead, it is better to say that you like them, but that you need more time before you feel ready to have sex. Just say that you need a little more time to get to know them.

Second, I learned that people have different expectations for sex, and it’s okay to walk away from the the dating relationship once you realize that you’re not going to meet another person’s sex expectations. If a man expects to have sex with a woman on the second or third date, then he is not going to wait patiently two or three months to have sex with a woman. Similarly, a woman who wants to wait three months to have sex with a man is probably not going to have the same moral values as a person who has sex with others on the first date. As Red Pill Women, we have to stay strong in our convictions about abstaining from casual, meaningless sex. We will not be frivolous with our bodies or our health.

By the end of the experience, I realized that we were just on two separate pages. And I was glad that I did not get too attached to a man who was capable of disappearing on me for a full two weeks.

Have you ever struggled to tell a man NO to having sex? Tell your story below!

 

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One Date a Week: My Red Pill Diaries

One Date a Week

Last New Years Eve, I made a promise to myself that I would take dating seriously in the year 2016, the year when I turned 28 years old. I knew that a great partner was not going to stroll into my life, so I would need to find the right partner for me. My demands were simple: I wanted to find a stable, attractive, intelligent and traditional man to marry. When I say “traditional,” I meant that I am looking for a man who openly acknowledges traditional gender roles and who wants his wife to take care of cooking and cleaning the home while he takes care of providing for his family.

Photo by David Yu via Flickr
Photo by David Yu via Flickr

In short, I was looking for a Red Pill man. But the question remained: Was I a Red Pill Woman? I knew that after years of reading writings from the Manosphere, I had to make significant changes in my life to attract and keep the right man.

Singles graph
Singles graph

I also knew that at 28 years old, time was my enemy. I spent too many years of my youth with a man who had no plans to marry me, and I hated that I allowed myself to waste so much time on the wrong person. So I decided to start anew by putting the odds in my favor and moving to a new location within the U.S. with a high number of single men.

I also made the commitment to find ways to embrace my femininity by learning how to cook and taking salsa dancing lessons. Finally, I quit my masculine high-stress job to pursue a new caretaker career in the medical field. By taking my career off of a high pedestal, I found that I had more time to pursue other ventures, like learning how to sew or study more effectively.

When I jumped in the dating world, I did what most people my age do when they want to find that special person: I opened an online dating account. Then, I opened a few more. And then I went on a few first dates. Err, then I went on nearly 25 first dates in a year. I met some of the men during my day-to-day commute, but I met most of them via online dating apps.

Each date was unique in its own way. From this point forward, I will journal my dating experiences on Ladies Again. Hopefully, you will all learn from my chaotic, exciting, and sometimes emotionally-draining dating experiences.

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