Idolizing Psychopathy

Beer lovers. Young cheerful couple drinking beer at the bar

I’m beginning to see a common thread between much of the language used in popular culture about relationships between men and women. There seems to be a great deal of game playing going on. For every tip about “game” written on Red Pill/manosphere forums, there might be double the amount of language made available for women in popular music, self-help books and other sources. One book stands out as the pinnacle dating bible for women: “The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right,” by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider,” was published more than 20 years ago. Full of manipulative dating tips, such as wait for him to call and pretend to be busy, the book continues to be read widely in spite of its very obvious flaws. Why is game playing so popular among dating gurus?

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Is He the Right Guy to Date? Skip the Men Who Party Too Much

The Adicts at SO36. Kreuzberg-Berlin

What’s one of the best ways to figure out if a man is ready for marriage? Ask him how much he enjoys drinking and going out to bars. In one of the greatest books ever written on dating, researcher John T. Molloy argues in “Why men Marry Some Women and Not Others” that the best-suited men for relationships and marriage are those who have already grown tired of the singles scene in bars and nightclubs.

In the book, Molloy and a team of researchers interview men and women just leaving marriage license bureaus to learn more about the similarities between marriage-minded people. Their findings are startling and eye-opening. One of the findings from the research shows that marriage-minded men are those who have grown out of the singles scene.

Man binge drinking.
This guy probably isn’t thinking about marriage and kids.

“Many men reluctantly admitted that for more than a year, they had felt uncomfortable in the singles world where they had been hanging out for the past five years,” Molloy said. “It is not how old they are that makes men uncomfortable, it is how old they feel, or how old others make them feel. Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry.”

So, it’s in your best interest to avoid dating men who love to party because those men are probably not ready to settle down. I’ve experienced this personally. I dated an older man who had absolutely no interest in giving up the bar and partying scene. Going out partying with his boys week after week was just as much a priority to him as spending time with me or with his family. I now know to look specifically for men who are getting bored by the club and bar scene.

The book also provided tips on other ways to find marriage-minded men, including:

There is a specific age range when a man is ready to get married

  • A man whose education ended at the high school level is looking to get married at ages 23 or 24. Similarly, a man whose education ended at the college level is looking to get married at age 26. When men earn graduate degrees, expect that they will want to get married in their late 20s or early 30s.
  • “Ninety percent of men who have graduated from college are ready for the next step between ages twenty-six and thirty-three…But this window of opportunity stays open only for four to five years, and then the changes a man will marry start to decline.” (3)
  • Aim for men who are between ages 28-33.

There are “Stringer” Men Who Have no Intention of Marrying Anyone

  • Have you ever met a man who told you that he’s had several long-term relationships? That man is likely a “Stringer,” a man who enjoys the companionship of women, but has no interest in committing long-term to one specific person.
  • “A stringer is a man who strings women along….He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.”(11)
  • Make a deadline for the stringer to commit: “If he doesn’t commit to you within six months, get rid of him….He may tell you that you’re coming on too strong. He may complain that the two of you haven’t been going together long enough, that he doesn’t know, that he hasn’t made up his mind. In fact, he is likely to tell you anything that will get you to stick around without his needing to make a commitment. Don’t fall for it. The chances a stringer will marry are very slim; he is simply not the marrying kind.”

Some Men are Bachelor’s for Life

  • If you are dating a man in his late forties, it is likely that he will never get married. It is a much better idea to date a man in that age range who has been widowed or divorced, than to marry an older man who has never gotten married.
  • “Once men reach age forty-seven to fifty without marrying, the chances they will marry do not disappear but they drop dramatically.” (10)

Many Men Hate Women

  • Finally, there is a special group of men to avoid—those that think that the majority of women are gold-digging whores. These men distrust women, and think that there are no benefits to getting married (never mind that marriage is the best way to provide a stable home for children or that very few cohabiting relationships tend to last more than a few years).
  • Many men look at women and marriage as poor financial investments. “The irony is that many of the men who spoke this way really didn’t have all that much anyway…If a man talks of marriage as a financial game in which women are out to make their fortunes, don’t just walk away—run! Such men are hardly ever going to be the marrying kind.”

Other Points to Remember

  • Think long and hard about dating someone whose parents had a tumultuous marriage or divorce. Not everyone who has experienced family issues at home are damaged goods obviously, but you should pay attention to how he feels about marriage and divorce.
  • See if he has friends who have are married. If all of his friends are living the single life, he probably will not want to get married yet.
  • Check to see if you have the same values. “Men often marry women whose backgrounds—religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status—match theirs. “Are you both from the same socioeconomic class? Do you belong to the same religion?
  • See if he lives alone because men who live as independent adults are more likely to marry.

Have you ever wasted time on the wrong guy? Talk about it below!

 

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One Date A Week: Bored and Fidgety

One Date a Week

Last year, I swallowed the Red Pill and decided to do all that I could to become a much more feminine and attractive woman. As part of my commitment to reinvent myself, I swore that I would make dating a bigger priority in my life. These are my Red Pill Dating Diaries.

I met a guy on OkCupid, a few weeks after I moved to San Francisco. He was a Ginger guy in his mid-twenties with average build and height. I was impressed that he earned both his bachelors and master’s degrees in software engineering from U.C. Berkeley, a prestigious school in Northern California. We chatted via text or some time before he asked me out to meet up. We met up at a bar for drinks. I now know, after months of dating, that meeting up for drinks is a bad first date idea.

Movie theater. Photo by Thomas Hawk via Flickr.
Movie theater. Photo by Thomas Hawk via Flickr.

What was remarkable about this date was how little we spoke to one another. We didn’t talk much before meeting up, maybe six or seven chats in the OkCupid app, then five to six text messages to go over logistics about meeting up in person. Once we met up, we talked in a bar for maybe 20 minutes before I mentioned that I really wanted to see a new action movie. We headed over to the movie theaters down the street to see the film. While we walked to the theater, he joked, “We could also watch the movie over my house if you want.” I exclaimed “Absolutely not!” We both laughed, but I think we both knew what we were actually discussing beneath the humor. He implicitly asked me to go to his house to have sex with him, and I thought the idea of doing that was ridiculous. I laughed it off, but I knew this date was not going to anywhere. I’m pretty confident he felt the same.

We went to see the action movie in an frigid and empty movie theater downtown. He made it painfully obvious that he didn’t care for the film because he fidgeted and squirmed throughout the entire movie. His sighs went from passive puffs of air to full-bodied vocal exhalations. Once the movie ended, it was clear he wanted nothing to do but to leave the theater. I thought it was a great movie. We split an Uber back to our respective homes. In the car, I thanked him for a great night. I never spoke to him again.

I learned a few things from this date. First, do not meet up blindly with people that you think are cute on an online dating website. Do you two have anything in common? Going on an online date is almost the same as picking a name randomly out of the Yellow Pages—you have no idea what you’re going to get. Spend some time chatting with them to get a sense of why they are interested in dating. Second, take the time to call your dates before you meet up with them to get a feel for whether you enjoy conversing with them.

Have you ever had a boring date? How did you get out of it? Tell your story below!

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You Can Drink Wine Like a Lady

How much do you really know about drinking wine? In my case, not much. It was not until very recently that I learned that I did not know how to hold a wine glass properly (Hint: Hold it by the stem, not the cup). Let’s all learn the basics about wine together.

Pick a Color

First, there are two main categories of wine: white wine or red wine. White wines are mostly made of white grapes; they are made without skins or seeds. The skins are separated from the juice and yeast is added for fermentation. White wines are lighter and have a crisp, fruity flavor and aroma. Red wine is made from the darker red and black grapes. On another note, sparkling wine is a wine with significant levels of carbon dioxide in it, making it fizzy.

Bonus Tip: Champagne is the same thing as sparkling wine, the only difference being that sparkling wine can only be called champagne if it comes from the region of Champagne, France.

How to hold an alcoholic beverage. Image by Honest Cooking.
How to hold an alcoholic beverage. Image by Honest Cooking.

Hold the Glass Correctly and Stare at Your Glass

To hold wine, you can grab either the stem or hold onto the base of the wine glass. Never grab the bowl portion of the wine glass because holding it by the “bowl” warms your drink, which is not what you want. You hold champagne flutes the same way. While sipping your drink, remember to stare directly into your glass because it is impolite to look at another person while drinking if you are in conversation.

Let It Breathe

When you drink wine, you need to perform a practice called “letting it breathe.” Letting a wine breathe is when you expose the wine to the air to facilitate and promote the exchange of wine molecules with air molecules. Letting the wine breathe makes it easier to smell, which therefore makes the wine taste better since our sense of taste is directly affected by our sense of smell. You can let the wine breathe by swirling the wine. To swirl the wine, you can either place the glass firmly on the table and swirl it by the stem, or, as an alternative, you can pick the wine glass up and twist your wrist in circles.

How to Pour Wine

Know the appropriate measurements when pouring drinks. Red wine glasses should be 1/3 full, white wine should be ½ full, and sparkling wine or champagne should be ¾ full. Always “twist pour,” which is when you twist the bottle at the end of pouring.

Here’s a great guide to wine tasting:

Going to a party? Brush up on your etiquette lessons. Want to learn how to be the ultimate lady after the party? Learn how to write a classy thank you note for the host.

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One Date A Week: Too Fast for Sex?

Photo by David Yu via Flickr
Photo by David Yu via Flickr

Last year, I swallowed the Red Pill and decided to do all that I could to become a much more feminine and attractive woman. As part of my commitment to reinvent myself, I swore that I would make dating a bigger priority in my life. These are my Red Pill Dating Diaries.

A cute guy reached out to me one day via the dating app POF, Plenty of Fish. We chatted for some time and decided to meet at a bar near his house for drinks. This was maybe my third online date, so I wasn’t well-versed yet in dating to know that it is a bad idea to meet a date at a bar. If a man suggests meeting at a bar for drinks, he usually wants the date to lead to sex as quickly as possible. [Here’s another fact: If a man or woman suggests meeting for coffee for a first date, they have completely lost all hope for romance and spontaneity. Their own personal expectations for love is at the lowest level it will ever be.]

So we met at a bar, and I was surprised at how short he was in real life. He was a Russian software developer who worked for a global consumer business. I like Russian men, so I wanted to get to know him. We ordered drinks, but I barely touched my drink since I despise the taste of alcohol. Also, I do not want to get murdered or raped, so I always refrain from drinking around strangers. Because of limited seating space, we sat shoulder to shoulder, and I think this lead to us both feeling this faux-feeling of closeness. We laughed and joked for three hours, then made plans at the end of the night to see each other again.

We went on a second date that involved sightseeing around the city. At the end of the night, he mentioned that he left something at his home. We went back to his house to retrieve his item, and he instantly tried to kiss me. Then he tried to take off my clothes. I pushed back and explained that we were moving too fast, and I was uncomfortable being at his place on the second date. We left his house immediately after that, but I could tell that he was slightly annoyed with me.

We went on a few more dinner dates over the next few weeks, but he continued to probe me about sleeping with him. Time and time again, our conversations kept comping back to the fact that I was too “restrictive” or “rigid” about my sexual expectations. At first, I thought he was just being a man, and trying to push for sex. But then I realized that he was visibly annoyed that I would not sleep with him within the first month of dating him.

Then he disappeared suddenly for two weeks. After that period, he later texted me to tell me he was not interested in dating me any longer. In those two weeks of silence, I had time to think about the conversations that I had with him and reread through our text messages. It became painfully obvious that he was only looking for sex from the beginning, but was begrudgingly going along with my desire to wait for sex. It was a great thing that he disappeared from the planet, because I had no choice but to realize that he was not really into dating me.

I learned a few things from this experience. First, it is never a great idea to tell a man directly how long you will wait to have sex with them. Do not give out time estimates or parameters about when you will specifically have sex. For example, never say that you have a “Three Month Rule.” Instead, it is better to say that you like them, but that you need more time before you feel ready to have sex. Just say that you need a little more time to get to know them.

Second, I learned that people have different expectations for sex, and it’s okay to walk away from the the dating relationship once you realize that you’re not going to meet another person’s sex expectations. If a man expects to have sex with a woman on the second or third date, then he is not going to wait patiently two or three months to have sex with a woman. Similarly, a woman who wants to wait three months to have sex with a man is probably not going to have the same moral values as a person who has sex with others on the first date. As Red Pill Women, we have to stay strong in our convictions about abstaining from casual, meaningless sex. We will not be frivolous with our bodies or our health.

By the end of the experience, I realized that we were just on two separate pages. And I was glad that I did not get too attached to a man who was capable of disappearing on me for a full two weeks.

Have you ever struggled to tell a man NO to having sex? Tell your story below!

 

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One Date a Week: My Red Pill Diaries

One Date a Week

Last New Years Eve, I made a promise to myself that I would take dating seriously in the year 2016, the year when I turned 28 years old. I knew that a great partner was not going to stroll into my life, so I would need to find the right partner for me. My demands were simple: I wanted to find a stable, attractive, intelligent and traditional man to marry. When I say “traditional,” I meant that I am looking for a man who openly acknowledges traditional gender roles and who wants his wife to take care of cooking and cleaning the home while he takes care of providing for his family.

Photo by David Yu via Flickr
Photo by David Yu via Flickr

In short, I was looking for a Red Pill man. But the question remained: Was I a Red Pill Woman? I knew that after years of reading writings from the Manosphere, I had to make significant changes in my life to attract and keep the right man.

Singles graph
Singles graph

I also knew that at 28 years old, time was my enemy. I spent too many years of my youth with a man who had no plans to marry me, and I hated that I allowed myself to waste so much time on the wrong person. So I decided to start anew by putting the odds in my favor and moving to a new location within the U.S. with a high number of single men.

I also made the commitment to find ways to embrace my femininity by learning how to cook and taking salsa dancing lessons. Finally, I quit my masculine high-stress job to pursue a new caretaker career in the medical field. By taking my career off of a high pedestal, I found that I had more time to pursue other ventures, like learning how to sew or study more effectively.

When I jumped in the dating world, I did what most people my age do when they want to find that special person: I opened an online dating account. Then, I opened a few more. And then I went on a few first dates. Err, then I went on nearly 25 first dates in a year. I met some of the men during my day-to-day commute, but I met most of them via online dating apps.

Each date was unique in its own way. From this point forward, I will journal my dating experiences on Ladies Again. Hopefully, you will all learn from my chaotic, exciting, and sometimes emotionally-draining dating experiences.

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Why Modern Women are Miserable

Photo by Mark Nye via Flickr

In a way, the situation women wake up in today is more dire than the one of thirty years ago…Despite sweeping government programs, tens of billions of dollars in social spending, and massive social upheaval in the name of sexual equality, you have to glance through a newspaper or switch on the news to be subject to a litany of gloomy statistics about today’s women: We are more likely to be divorced or never married at all than women of previous generations.We are more likely to bear children out of wedlock. We are more likely to be junkies or drunks or to die in poverty. We are more likely to have an abortion or catch a sexually-transmitted disease. If we are mothers, even of infants and very small children, we are more likely to work at full-time jobs and still shoulder the bulk of housework as well.

Photo by Nathan Rupert via Flickr
Photo by Nathan Rupert via Flickr

Conservative commentator Danielle Crittenden made those observations more than 15 years ago in her book “What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman,” and every word expressed in the book rings as true then as it does now. In the book, Crittenden takes feminists to task, arguing that their aggressive push for complete equality in workplaces, bedrooms, marriages and the military has caused women to ignore critical gender differences between men and women that have shaped societal norms and rules for hundreds years. Radical feminist policies have created societies where women have more rights in the workplace, the voting booth and the bedroom, but have fewer opportunities to have children, faithful relationships with men and stable marriages.

WhatOurMothers book.What is unfortunate is that the book, which was published in 1999, can still be considered a fair and accurate critique of the dating and workplace issues women are struggling with now. If anything, relationships between men and women have downgraded further, which is evident with the growing popularity of the pick-up artist subculture that encourages men to have one-night stands with women and the explosion of anti-male sentiments that have led feminists to defend women who lied about being raped (see “Columbia Mattress Girl” and “UVA Liar”).

Crittenden argues that the unhappiness women experience today is the inevitable result of feminist ideologies that encourage young women to have sex indiscriminately with men (even though most women actually want committed relationships), teach women to think of marital dependency as oppressive and constricting (even though a great marriage must consist of two people fully committed to the relationship, not just two independent people living together) and tell women to reject full-time motherhood (even though full-time care is best for young children).

Trying to lead identical lives as men has made women miserable—particularly women who did not realize that they needed to spend their younger and fertile years wisely planning for marriage, and children. And Crittenden is right that gender differences need to be contemplated more—women are fertile for a significantly shorter time than men, women want to spend more time with their children and women age differently (i.e., a successful man is marriage material at any age, while a successful older women is not as desirable).

“What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us” changed my life by introducing me to traditional and conservative viewpoints on dating, marriage and childrearing. The book is my Red Pill. Before I read the text, I knew that I didn’t want to end up like some of my stressed out office colleagues, who worked long hours and frequently put their jobs before their own children. I also knew that I wanted nothing to do with the hookup culture of having casual sex with strangers—I knew that I wanted commitment. This book helped me to better understand the reasoning behind many of the fears and anxieties I felt about dating, marriage, divorce, aging and work. I highly recommend the book for anyone who wants to learn more about why the current dating market is not working.

Best Takeaways

  • “If young, attractive women offer no-strings-attached sex, then men will have no pressing reason to tie themselves down. This might be of little concern to a woman who is not yet ready to settle down, but sooner or later it will become of urgent concern.” (“What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us,” 43)
  • “All the sexual bravado a girl may possess evaporates the first time a boy she truly cares for makes it clear that he has no further use for her after his own body has been satisfied. No amount of feminist posturing, no amount of reassurances that she doesn’t need a guy like that anyway, can protect her from the pain and humiliation of those awful moments after he’s gone, when she’s alone and feeling not sexually empowered but discarded. It doesn’t take most women long to figure out that sexual liberty is not the same thing as sexual equality.” (31)
  • “If previous generations of women were raised to believe that they could only realize themselves within the roles of wife and mother, now the opposite is thought true: It’s only outside these roles that we are able to realize our full potential and worth as human beings…How often have you watched a TV show or seen a movie or read a novel in which a woman is celebrated for finding the courage “to be herself” by leaving a marriage or starting a new career or telling a boorish husband he’ll have to make his own dinner from now own? Her actions are not seen as selfish—or when they are, her selfishness is seen as payback for all the centuries of women’s selflessness and sacrifice to men.” (60-62)
  • “Elaborate rituals that used to govern relations between the sexes were based on the understanding that women, as child bearers, required the protection of society against men who might recklessly use and abandon them.” (42)
  • What a woman is aware of, at around the age of twenty-six or twenty-seven, is a growing, inchoate dissatisfaction, a yearning for more, even if her life is already quite full…She starts noticing the mothers all around her—especially young, attractive mothers—pushing strollers down the street, cooing at their babies in supermarkets, and loading up their shopping carts…Alas, it is usually at precisely this moment—when a single woman looks up from her work and realizes she’s ready to take on family life—that men make themselves most absent. This is when the cruelty of her singleness really sets in, when she becomes aware of the fine print in the unwritten bargain she has cut with the opposite sex. Men will outlast her. Men, particularly successful men, will be attractive and virile into their fifties. (66-67).
  • If we are not willing to do much for our husbands, we can hardly expect them to be willing to do much for us…The long-term surrender of their freedom, the unshrinking shouldering of the financial burdens of a family—the sacrifices they used to make in exchange for a woman’s agreement to run the home—are sacrifices fewer men are willing to make. Women have gained the right to move into all spheres of society; men, from their point of view, have only lost their right to domestic comfort. (94)
  • By encouraging men and women to strive for this sort of precise equality within marriage, we have left women and their children much more vulnerable to the whims of their husbands than ever before. The protections the law once afforded to women who made economic sacrifices for their families no longer exist. They were abolished when we rewrote the divorce law in the name of sexual equality. (98)
  • It will be even tougher for a woman to take time out from her job to stay home with her kids if, before giving birth, she’s been especially adamant about the fairness and equality of her marriage. Asking her husband to shoulder the whole burden of being the breadwinner will not necessarily strike him as “fair” or “equal.” (100)
  • This loss of faith in marriage explains why my generation may be so zealous about making sure their marriages are so equal: A modern couple’s desire to keep their arrangement strictly balanced, at all levels, is actually a way of protecting each partner’s self-interest in the event that the marriage dissolves. (104)
  • Of course, no woman should cease to be loved simply because she is old. But a society that refuses to acknowledge that age touches women very differently from the way it touches men—a society that shrugs as good enough marriages are dissolved after twenty or thirty years—is a society condemning millions of women to loneliness.” (153).
  • It may not be so ironic then, that the happiest memoirs among the elders of the women’s movement are by those who led the most conventionally female lives…Betty Friedan takes enormous pleasure in watching her own children become parents and in being a grandmother…Meanwhile, Gloria Steinem, alone in her fifties, devotes herself to writing a book about finding self-esteem. (160)

Downsides

Crittenden writes much of the book in a broad narrative style that includes many generalizations about women. Though, as a young woman who is in her twenties, I know much of Crittenden’s observations to be true, it would be nice if she included statistical data to back up many of her claims. For example, when talking about working mothers, she writes, “Yet whether you work because you want to or because you have to, the outcome for women is the same—the nagging, underlying worry that what you are doing is hurting those you love most.” It would have been nice in that instance to read about findings from a study on the guilt or anxiety working mothers may feel.

Overall Opinion

The book sparked my interest in the Red Pill/manosphere subculture because it encouraged me to accept my own womanly inclinations. It’s why I can now recite 20 facts about sex and dating that feminists don’t want you to know. I stopped ignoring and dismissing my desire to get married and have children, and I stopped putting my career on such a high pedestal. I highly recommend the book and I plan to give copies to young women in my family and social circle.

Now, I encourage others to do their part to build and support feminine, family-oriented women. What are you doing to help teach young ladies about traditional family values? Start working to change the tide today by sharing helpful information with impressionable women:

Read next: How to Avoid Being Accidently Childless

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