I love men for their strength and courage, and I think it’s unfortunate that so many of today’s mainstream bloggers and columnists seem obsessed with pointing out all of the things that men are doing wrong, such as promoting “rape culture,” objectifying women or refusing to “man up.” I am sick of seeing feminists depict men as simple-minded creatures who are only capable of raping and dominating poor and defenseless women.
If you listen to all of the anti-male rhetoric spewing out of Hillary Clinton or her online cult followers, it is easy to believe that the world would be better off if men were eliminated. The truth is that men contribute to society in profound ways. They build our roads, they build our homes, they fight to protect us in wars, they keep us safe. For instance, none of the 9/11 rescue workers were women.
I did not fully appreciate the contributions that men make to society until I took a walk on the Brooklyn Bridge in New York City. Putting my hand on the bridge, I could feel the power of the structure, and I wondered how many men risked their lives to build the bridge years ago. It turns out that between 20 to 50 men were estimated to have died from various causes while building the bridge―not a single women died, or even got injured, making the bridge. It’s easy to say that women did not make any any contributions to the development of the bridge because of historical workplace discrimination. That assumption is wrong―it has been more than 130 years since the Brooklyn Bridge first opened, and men are still taking on the riskiest jobs in the world. In the United States, more than 4,300 men died in 2014(pdf) at work, while only 359 women lost their lives at work that year. Men continue to take on the jobs women will not even consider, such as plumbing, carpentry, forestry, waste management and roofing.
Here are just a few of the ways that men contribute today to society:
I like to talk, like a lot. Especially if I’m dating a guy that I connect with. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is being able to have honest and intimate conversations with a person who knows you better than you even know yourself. But I, like a lot of young women, had to learn the hard way that everything should not be shared with a man, your coworkers or your relatives. There is such thing as polite conversation.
In her book “Commonsense Etiquette,” Marjabelle Young Stewart argues that unpleasant conversation causes undue stress to others. She writes:
I find that the best table conversations, whether for a family dinner or a formal one, are those that are of interest to most or all the people at the table and that have elements of humor or surprise. I try to avoid subjects that are unpleasant and likely to cause distress or argument. Detailed recountings of the mundane events of the day probably won’t add much to a meal, but amusing stories and bits of news will.
In other words, be pleasant. At all times. Otherwise, you close doors to potential opportunities at work and with potential suitors. Since we are concerned with relationships at Ladies Again, here are a few things you should never discuss with a man you are interested in, as long as you live:
Bodily fluids. Why do so many women want to talk to men about their periods? I do not understand the logic of being gross with your man. No one wants to date a woman who talks freely about farting, burping or vomiting after a hard night of drinking with the girls. Polite conversation is for the man’s benefit, not yours, because you do not want to make him feel uncomfortable. I know that as a woman you probably feel comfortable enough with your spouse to discuss everything about your life, but trust me, he does not ever want to hear it. Save the conversations about bodily fluids with your mom, friends or gynecologist.
Your sexual history. In When Harry Met Sally, the two main characters casually joke over lunch about their previous sexual experiences. It was a cute moment in the film, but a scene like that never happens in reality. A man never wants to hear details about your previous sexual experiences. Remember, you are lady and you need to act accordingly. It is unacceptable for you to brag about the number of men you have slept with or discuss your reckless sexually fluid past. It is disgusting to do so because you are not, and will never be, one of the guys. For many men, it is just as grotesque for a woman to discuss her sexual escapades as it is for a woman to discuss her menstrual cycle.
Always keep your number of sexual partners close to your heart. Let’s remember that ladies keep their number of sexual partners low because they do not want to get emotionally attached or impregnated by the wrong man. Therefore, you should only be thinking about having sex with men who are in committed relationships with you. Second, you should avoid any conversation about past sexual partners. In general, if your number of sexual partners is already high, you will have to lie if the conversation comes up. Remember to play coy in bed; you have never tried crazy sex positions before and you have no idea how oral sex works.
Your past relationships. It is just in bad form to discuss past relationships as it is to discuss your sexual escapades. You do not want to make your current beau feel jealous or inadequate by blabbering about your exes. Or make him feel like he is dating used goods or community property. As far as you know, your ex-boyfriend is dead to you. Also, never discuss any crazy dates you have been on. From henceforth, all ex-boyfriends are now referred to “friends.” You did not go to that wedding with your ex-fiance, you went with a friend from college. All photos and videos of you with your ex-boyfriend must be destroyed.
Did I miss any other impolite conversation topics? Let me know in the comments below.
I’m on a strict dating regime where I am looking specifically for a man who would like to be married sometime in the near future. I have never slept around frivolously, but I have certainly wasted my time dating and hanging out with men who were not serious about long-term relationships (see the alpha male I dated here). I have been on maybe 15 dates in the last month, some good, some bad. Along the way, I have learned a few lessons from men circulating in the dating world.
Above all, I have learned that a man will show you immediately if he is interested in dating you for the long-term. Likewise, a person (even a friend!) will also show you very quickly if their intentions do not match with yours. You just have to pay attention to the following signs that they are not excited about the prospect of forming a relationship with you:
If he invites you back to his place multiple times, you have already lost the potential for a relationship. A man will make up any excuse to get a woman he is interested in to his bedroom. It is a telling sign if all of his date ideas involve doing something at his house. Let’s watch a movie at my place. I have to return my motorcycle helmet. I left my wallet upstairs. There is weed at my house. I need to check on my cat. (Note: Is it bad that I once fell for that last one? I really wanted to see the cat!). A lady would have communicated at some point on the first date that you want to take things slowly. Ladies say confidently “I don’t do casual” and respectable men listen and take heed. If a man pushes your boundaries and tries multiple times to get you back to his place, then you already know that he is only after the sex. If he brings up sex at all on the first date, it is already over.
If he is annoyed by your high standards for commitment, then he is not the guy for you. This is a good thing―now you know the kind of man that you are dating up front, within the first few weeks of dating. Better to know now than to sleep with him and get emotionally and physically invested in the relationship. True ladies have sex with men who are emotionally invested in them.
If he does not make plans to see you again, he does not care if he sees you again. You met a great man and you cannot wait to see him again. But how does he feel about you really? Pay close attention to how he asks you out on a second date. A man that is really interested in you will make plans for a second date during the first date. He will already have ideas about seeing you again. A guy who feels only so-so about you will get around to following up with you when he feels like it.
If he does not call you or return phone calls promptly, he is not excited to talk to you. A man that is truly interested in you will go out of his way to call you and hear your voice. If he does not care what you are doing on the weekend, he does not actually care about you on a relationship level. An interested man wants to know what you are doing during the week; a less-interested man may only call to find out when you are going to come over to his place to have sex. A less-interested man is only calling you for his own selfish reasons because he wants to know when you are coming over to please him. Additionally, a man that is not really into you will text you rather than call you. He will text once or twice a week, if that.
If he wants to split the check every time, he is not interested in acting as a provider. If he wants to split the check with you every time, you are just someone that he is hanging out with, not someone that he wants to provide for. Worse, if he insists that you pay your fair share every time, he might be a secret white knight Feminazi in disguise.
If he disappears for days at a time, he does not care about keeping you informed about his life. You do not have to talk to your date every day, but if you do not hear from him for days at a time, then he is not really interested in you. I once dated a guy who went missing for ten days without warning. His cell phone was off and he did not return my phone calls or text messages (allegedly, he was on a business trip; the relationship ended immediately after that experience). Pay particular attention to men who pull disappearing acts because you do not want to end up, for instance, pregnant and tied to an absentee father.
If he introduces you as a friend, he is not totally committed to the idea of dating you. Relationship titles matters because it helps both parties in a relationship understand how they are connected to one another. Additionally, men tend to be protective, so a man who is interested in you wants to know that you are loyal and committed to him. If he does not want to put a label on the relationship after weeks or months of dating, then he is not completely interested in you.
If he does not want to talk about the future, then he does not care about having a future with you. Men who are interested in marriage and kids will not panic when you bring up those subjects.
When men show any of these signs, the potential for a relationship is already gone. It is then time for you to move on and begin to date someone new. So really, it is not that you’ve lost the guy, but that he has already lost you.
Cosmopolitan magazine is not, in fact, a feminine magazine. The sad thing about this magazine is that it is so far from what its title describes, that it is disgusting. Many of the young, impressionable readers of this magazine are unaware of the actual definition of the word “cosmopolitan,” which is actually synonymous with words like “cultured,” “sophisticated,” “suave,” “urbane” and “glamorous.”
However, today’s question is not about whether or not Cosmo magazine is falsely advertising itself, but whether or not it is a feminine magazine.
Why are we asking this question?
Well, Ladies Again, is a place where we discuss femininity as it relates to women’s issues of the day. Unfortunately, many women today who are looking for womanly advice, turn to things like Cosmo to give them guidance about their issues. In fact, statista.com reveals that Cosmo magazine recently ranked as the number two top selling women’s lifestyle magazine in the UK (second only to Glamour), beating out magazines such as Women & Home and Good Housekeeping.
Cosmo‘s own press kit reveals that it’s largest demographic is young women aged 18-24. It is number one among college women, distributed in over 100 countries and most of it’s readers are single, employed, college graduates.
If where we spend our money is truly an indication of our priorities, I believe the state of modern womanhood is in grave danger as a result of the relentless propaganda of filth being promoted as advice to modern women. On its website, Cosmo’s tag line states that it is: “The Women’s Magazine for Fashion, Sex Advice, Dating Tips and Celebrity News.”
This tells us two things worth mentioning here.
#1. It is marketed to women as a women’s magazine, and
#2. It offers sex tips and dating advice as an authority to women.
There is even a Cosmo Girl magazine which is marketed towards teenage girls. Which gives Cosmo a firmer hold on the female education market, grooming women from a young age to enjoy reading what I generously refer to assmut.
Now, even though the magazine does not make any upfront claims that the advice it gives will get you married or engender you as a feminine creature in anyone’s eyes, but it does seem to be promoted as some form of authority on sex and dating. With this combination of it’s popularity and platform to condition women from a young age, we must ask ourselves, is what it is teaching us really worthy of our devotion?
Is Cosmo’s Sex and Dating Advice Feminine?
First of all, let me start by defining what I mean by feminine.
The dictionary defines feminine as delicate, pretty, ladylike. I, personally, believe these are subjective terms and do not really tell very much to a person interested in understanding femininity. So, I referred to Wikipedia and came up with words like gentleness, empathy and sensitivity. I agree more with those terms. I think that gentleness, empathy and sensitivity comes from the female biological quality of giving birth. We produce children whom we become bonded to emotionally. Our instinct to seek the well-being of others is probably why we are okay with selflessly allowing another human being to share our body with us for nine months. I believe when women lose these qualities, there is a relational imbalance on some level in their lives that is observable to others, even if they do not know her well.
I believe a lot of women these days are very confused as to what feminine actually is, because of media sources like Cosmo magazine. They see pictures of women smiling in articles about having one night stands and forget that the feminine instinct is not to bind oneself meaninglessly to another human being and then discard them. Women become indoctrinated into the Sex and the City mentality these magazine purport and lose sight of the long term emotional and physical consequences of being frivolous with one’s body, mind and soul.
But what am I really talking about? Well, let me give you a few examples.
The following are actual articles from Cosmo‘s website:
“Why more couples are having kids before they get married”: This article was actually encouraging women to try to put the baby before the ring. Unfortunately, it’s logic was full of holes and unrealistic; but most of all it definitely goes against the feminine instinct to nurture. What sense does it make for women to aspire to bring children into an unstable environment? Furthermore, is it just me, or would being a single mother make dating that much harder?!
“A complete beginners guide to the messy blow job”: This article gives seven tips for women to give something called the “messy blow job.” I don’t need to tell you that this is an unladylike article, in fact, I’ll just let Tip #2. do the talking for me: “Spit as much as you can and drink a bunch of water if you need to.” Uh…no!
How about these two articles: “10 Reasons why your one-night stand was actually a good thing” and “Casual sex can be good for you.” And before you go running to check out the articles, let me just give you two of their reasons why one-night stands can have a positive impact on your life. #1. “You go laaaaaid…”I kid you not. That is an actual reason given by an authority on dating for women as to why a woman should comfortably resort to promiscuity. Then there is #2. “You don’t have to wonder what you two are to each other.” Are these supposed to be perks for women, or sociopaths?!
So, at the end of the day, I don’t think I need to, but still I will reiterate that my assessment is that Cosmo magazine is in fact NOT FEMININE!
It reads like a pervy frat bro magazine written with the male pronouns swapped out for female pronouns. I am convinced that any woman who still reads that magazine for relationship advice needs a wise older woman who has been happily married for 20 years or more…to slap her upside her head and knock some sense into her!
Do you read Cosmopolitan Magazine? Why or why not?
We talk a lot here on Ladies Again about tapping into your femininity to get what you really want out of life as a woman. Recently, I was watching various videos that feature men detailing what attracts them to women and what makes them fall in love. The interesting thing is that many of them were saying the exact same things. One thing that kept popping up was “confidence” and “connection” or “compassion”.
I decided to share some of these videos with our readers to demonstrate what we have been saying. That men are not distressed or intimidated by femininity. What they need is a woman that has embraced her femininity to the point of comfort and confidence in it. That’s when they begin to lean in, and even crave you. Check out the videos below to hear it straight from the men themselves!
How to Seduce a Man – 15 Tips by New Era Pros
What Men Find Beautiful In Women by GuyTellsAll
How to make a man fell cray about you by Bernardo Mendez
How to Be an Adorable Woman – An Insight Into Male Psychology by TopReviews4All
How Men Fall In Love (Mat Boggs creator of Cracking The Man Code) by Matthew Boggs
The Art of Feminine Presence – a quick, easy exercise for you by Rachael Jane Groover
I’m in love with all of the knowledge and insights packed in psychologist Meg Jay’s book “The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter—and how to make the most of them now.” It is for this reason that I decided to break down her guidebook into parts, dissecting each chapter into tidbits that will help us on our quest to pursue femininity. As a psychologist who has all too often listened to confused and underemployed thirtysomethings who wasted their early years, Jay offers helpful advice for young men and women swimming in the sea of youth. The book encourages young adults to remember that their twenties do indeed matter and have an effect on the rest of their lives.
I found some of the best takeaways from her book in her chapters in love, marriage and relationships. She encourages young men and women to take their dating lives seriously while they are in their twenties, rather than play the field and engage in casual sex. Jay argues that romantic relationships are important because they offer people the opportunities to pick and create their own families.
“There is something scary about picking your family,” Jay writes. “It’s not romantic. It means you aren’t just waiting for your soulmate to arrive. It means you know you are making decision that will affect the rest of your life…Twentysomethings who aren’t at least a little scared about their relationships are often the ones who are being the least thoughtful.”
Jay implores her readers to be thoughtful in several relationship arenas: Selecting a mate carefully, refusing to move in together (unless you are already engaged), choosing to marry young and deciding to have children early. As a single young woman is who currently dating, I was particularly interested in her advice on mate selection. She encourages young singles to think less about their deal breakers and more about selecting a spouse based on personality traits. Eliminate potential suitors only on extreme differences in values, goals or personality.
“One match maker to consider is personality,” she writes. “Some research tells us that, especially in young couples, the more similar two people’s personalities are, the more likely they are to be satisfied with their relationship. Yet personality is how dating, and even married, couples tend to be least alike.”
You don’t need to take an official test to determine your personality traits. Instead, decide where your personality falls on the Big Five personality test, which identifies five factors that describe how people interact with the world. Neuroticism, which is the tendency to be anxious, critical and moody, is “more predictive of relationship unhappiness and dissolution than is personality dissimilarity.”
In the book, Jay provides an example of a patient named Eli, a young man who is high on Openness and Extraversion, and low on Conscientiousness and Neuroticism. Eli is a poor match for his girlfriend, a withdrawn and responsible person who is low on Openness and Extraversion, but high on Conscientiousness and Neuroticism. This couple needs to break up because their personalities are too different for the relationship to work.
So what if the guy you like isn’t very romantic or likes watching listening to sports talk instead of NPR? Forget the trivial details and choose a spouse with a personality that is similar to yours. Here’s solid advice from Jay: “The more similar people are, the more they are able to understand each other…Two people who are similar are going to have the same reactions to a rainy day, a new car, a long vacation, an anniversary, a Sunday morning, and a big party.”
Disclaimer: I am a Christian. However, even though many of the examples and analogies I am using will be done through the Christian perspective and using Christian references, I believe there is a take away message that any woman of any faith (or lack of) can apply.
Last year, a friend and I created a round table forum entitled “Christ-like and Dating”. It was a one day event for young adults (ages 21 to 35) to discuss issues in dating and relationships from a Christian perspective. In researching for the forum, I stumbled across a video of a sermon in which the pastor asked the question: “Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?”
The pastor tells the story of a young girl who lived a loose life by dating and having sex with many different men. I imagine her as any of my college friends who spend a lot of time trying to “find themselves” through binge drinking, drug use, tattoos and piercings. (Implications of these things upon the concept of femininity to be discussed in future articles). The story went on to say that this girl went to church one day with her mother and upon seeing one of the focused and driven Christian men gushed to her mother that she was in love and had found the person she wanted to marry to which the mother coldly responded, “do you think he would be interested in a girl like you?!” Upon hearing this the girl fell on the floor and wept. This was the point where the pastor asked the question “Are you the person that the person you are looking for is looking for?”
I actually have personal experience with this topic. When I went to college at the age of 17, I was an innocent virgin who had only kissed one boy one time and didn’t like it. (To be fair, it was an awful first kiss. He had no idea what he was doing). Anyway, when I was exposed to the freedom of a co-ed dorm and many horny and willing men, I got excited. Even though I never really lost my virginity to full intercourse until well after I graduated (I was 28 when it happened), I was on the prowl to experiment with the feelings that I had kept pent up for so long.
I had my eye on one particular guy. He was a white man; Bosnian and of the Muslim faith. The idea of what my African, Christian parents would think of the situation didn’t matter, I wanted to marry this guy. The fantasizing began long before he gave me a playful peck on the lips in a friendly prank, but imagine what something like that would do to a barely legal teenager with a crush. I had fallen and fallen hard. Unfortunately, he and I were never to be. After years of flirting and dancing around the issue, I got the feeling that I was being a pest. I later learned that real men don’t play games and that if a man is truly interested in you, you will know and you will know quickly. Through this painful experience of unrequited love, I learned a lesson that never truly sunk in until I read the book He’s Just Not That Into You in 2003 or so, and that lesson is that if a guy is making excuses or you are making excuses for a guy for why he isn’t getting serious with you, then you’re wasting your time.
It was only recently (this year in fact) after playing a dangerous game of long distance, late night phone flirting that ended with a chance meeting at an airport terminal and the cessation of the receipt of further calls from the same aforementioned crush, that I finally wizened up and had to talk myself out of that sad unreciprocated fantasy.
In the weeks and months that followed, the picture started to become clear in my mind of why we didn’t work. Other than the obvious, surface-level, cultural differences (the implications of which I intend to discuss in future articles), he and I just would never had worked, because as blind as my love for him was, I don’t think his love’s vision had quite the same impairment. He saw me for who I was and for some reason that person did not fit into his world and if I had stopped to take off my rose-colored glasses, I might have observed the same signs of incompatibility. Honestly, I think I was just excited by the nuance of an unexpected caliber of gentleman recognizing my femininity and showing me attention of a flattering kind.
At the end of the day, for that relationship to work, I would have had to change in ways I was not motivated to at the time due to my core understanding of who I was at the time. The fact of the matter is, I was not the person that the person I was looking for was looking for, and I had no intention of becoming that person. The problems (including depression and low self esteem) came when I continued trying to force myself “as is” into the life of someone who was not interested in what I had to offer.
Now, more than 10 years later, I am finally realizing my worth, including a feminine value not worth compromising for anyone. I am learning that my joy comes not from the validation of that worth from men who never saw it before (but eventually see it through clever manipulation and coaxing), but from the maturation of the original value through nurturing, cultivating and protecting it’s intrinsic nature and freedom of expression.
So, today, the question remains, am I the person that the person I am looking for is looking for? Well, I think so. However, I believe that in order for me to recognize the person that I am looking for when he comes looking for me, I too must recognize whether and if the person that I am trying to be is the person I am ready and willing to be for the rest of my life…