We talk a lot here on Ladies Again about tapping into your femininity to get what you really want out of life as a woman. Recently, I was watching various videos that feature men detailing what attracts them to women and what makes them fall in love. The interesting thing is that many of them were saying the exact same things. One thing that kept popping up was “confidence” and “connection” or “compassion”.
I decided to share some of these videos with our readers to demonstrate what we have been saying. That men are not distressed or intimidated by femininity. What they need is a woman that has embraced her femininity to the point of comfort and confidence in it. That’s when they begin to lean in, and even crave you. Check out the videos below to hear it straight from the men themselves!
How to Seduce a Man – 15 Tips by New Era Pros
What Men Find Beautiful In Women by GuyTellsAll
How to make a man fell cray about you by Bernardo Mendez
How to Be an Adorable Woman – An Insight Into Male Psychology by TopReviews4All
How Men Fall In Love (Mat Boggs creator of Cracking The Man Code) by Matthew Boggs
The Art of Feminine Presence – a quick, easy exercise for you by Rachael Jane Groover
The manosphere has had it with picky American women who, they say, will pass up wholesome nice men in exchange for one-night stands with player alpha male clowns. According to many male writers, Western women are foolishly sacrificing their fleeting youth and beauty for asshole jocks that can give a shit about their well-being. In a lot of ways, the male bloggers are right; many women do actually want the bad boy. Many have seen too many chick films and are unrealistically searching for men who are tall and handsome and successful and driven and funny and romantic and financially stable and thoughtful and….
While I agree that many Western women are setting their standards a teensy bit too high, I would like to offer one rationale for the alpha male lust: It is simply easier for a woman to meet and talk to an alpha male. After all, strong and confident men are usually the first to talk to us! Confident men have no qualms about approaching new women and sparking up conversations. I have met alpha males in bookstores, salsa dance clubs, conference rooms, elevators and grocery stores.
They are funny, they are engaging and, best of all, they are fun. When you are speaking to a charmer, you know he is full of shit, but the opportunities at that moment seem to be endless. You think, where will he lead me? As a woman, it feels great to have a guy take the lead. Unlike nice or shy guys, the charmer knows what he wants. He does not ask to kiss you, he just does it. He does not ask if you can go out on a date, he tells you where he will meet you next. And that kind of confidence is so interesting that it is sexy.
So where does that leave me as a woman in her mid-20s (26) who is dating and looking for marriage? I do not have time for players or alphas who just want to have sex. Logically, I must search for a nice guy who is loyal, stable and hopefully attractive. Since I want a man who is open to marriage, this person must also be older than me (mid-thirties) because very few young men in their 20s are looking to get hitched. In sum, I am looking for a nice, stable, loyal older man who wants to have a family.
I guess I am also looking for a unicorn. Nice men are the absolute HARDEST to date. This is because there are two major problems at work:
Feminism. I think nice guys do not want to be too forward or masculine because they are afraid of making women feel uncomfortable or threatened. This is a legitimate fear given the mainstream media’s obsession with rape accusations and sexual harassment claims. Assholes do not seem to care about coming across as misogynists, while nice guys are a bit more emotional and contemplative. A lot of Western women are also argumentative and masculine, their minds corrupted by the utopian promise of equality between the sexes. No man wants to approach a woman who will dismiss their kind acts of chivalry or argue about the representation of women in the media. If I were a man, I would also be terrified to approach a woman who lives in the West.
The pain of silence. This one is a bit complicated to explain. As readers know, I am a strict follower of “The Rules,” the bestselling dating guide. One of the most important rules in the book is to let the man take the lead, therefore I do not approach men (anymore) or ask for their phone numbers or tell them when we should meet for dates. I am trying my best to be feminine and let the man take the lead because I agree that men like to take charge. So, when I see a guy that I like, I give him the eye, I wait for him to ask for my number and I wait for him to ask me out on a date. The only problem? Nice guys take an ETERNITY to do each step! Waiting for the nice guy to take initiative is like pulling teeth.
For instance, when I was 20, I met a really sweet federal worker in D.C. who actually asked me how I would react if “someone like him” asked me for my phone number. And when he said this, he was not joking. In fact, he was very nervous. Being the young vibrant woman that I was, I naturally told him that I was not interested. If that happened today, I would be a lot nicer to him.
If you give out your number to a nice guy, you basically just made a new pen pal. The nice guy will text and text and text―he will write an entire book of text messages, and ask you about every mundane detail of your day. I want to scream: JUST ASK ME OUT ALREADY! But then, if I, as a woman, tell the nice guy that I want to go out on a date, I will come across as bossy or too forward. And there is also a big part of me that actually wants the guy to just be the man and take the lead.
Here’s an actual conversation with a nice guy…that I met three weeks ago:
Nice Guy: Hey How is it going? Me: It’s going well. How about you? Nice Guy: I went to see the Will Smith movie. It was really good! Did you see it? Me: Not not yet, but I would like to. Nice Guy: It’s his best movie. If I’d known, we could have seen it together. You in town for the holidays? Me: Yep, for the next few days. Nice guy: So what do you like to do?
…This tortuous texting conversation continued for THREE goddamn weeks. In fact, I’m still waiting for him to ask me out.
Let’s compare this nice guy to the last alpha man I dated. This man was a tall and handsome software engineer who had just turned down a six-figure salary with Google so that he could negotiate for a higher salary at his contracting firm. When I met him at a work function, he did not ask for my number. Instead, he said “Listen, I want to see you again, but only if you make it worth my while. I don’t have time for boring women. Can you be a fun person for me? Let’s get dinner this week.”
Who the hell would turn a date with a person who said that? Of course I’m fun! I found out on our date that he was a player who had multiple women competing for his attention. He also wanted to move fast, which was not okay with me, so the relationship did not go anywhere. But the date was one for the memory books. Nice restaurant in a nice part of town; great food and great conversation. He was very quick and clever and he made me nervous on our date, which was a cool feeling.
….Pardon the interruption, but I just got a new text from the nice guy.
Nice guy: That trip sounds like so much fun! Sounds like you had a cool vacation. Where else are you planning to travel?
Disclaimer: I am a Christian. However, even though many of the examples and analogies I am using will be done through the Christian perspective and using Christian references, I believe there is a take away message that any woman of any faith (or lack of) can apply.
Last year, a friend and I created a round table forum entitled “Christ-like and Dating”. It was a one day event for young adults (ages 21 to 35) to discuss issues in dating and relationships from a Christian perspective. In researching for the forum, I stumbled across a video of a sermon in which the pastor asked the question: “Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?”
The pastor tells the story of a young girl who lived a loose life by dating and having sex with many different men. I imagine her as any of my college friends who spend a lot of time trying to “find themselves” through binge drinking, drug use, tattoos and piercings. (Implications of these things upon the concept of femininity to be discussed in future articles). The story went on to say that this girl went to church one day with her mother and upon seeing one of the focused and driven Christian men gushed to her mother that she was in love and had found the person she wanted to marry to which the mother coldly responded, “do you think he would be interested in a girl like you?!” Upon hearing this the girl fell on the floor and wept. This was the point where the pastor asked the question “Are you the person that the person you are looking for is looking for?”
I actually have personal experience with this topic. When I went to college at the age of 17, I was an innocent virgin who had only kissed one boy one time and didn’t like it. (To be fair, it was an awful first kiss. He had no idea what he was doing). Anyway, when I was exposed to the freedom of a co-ed dorm and many horny and willing men, I got excited. Even though I never really lost my virginity to full intercourse until well after I graduated (I was 28 when it happened), I was on the prowl to experiment with the feelings that I had kept pent up for so long.
I had my eye on one particular guy. He was a white man; Bosnian and of the Muslim faith. The idea of what my African, Christian parents would think of the situation didn’t matter, I wanted to marry this guy. The fantasizing began long before he gave me a playful peck on the lips in a friendly prank, but imagine what something like that would do to a barely legal teenager with a crush. I had fallen and fallen hard. Unfortunately, he and I were never to be. After years of flirting and dancing around the issue, I got the feeling that I was being a pest. I later learned that real men don’t play games and that if a man is truly interested in you, you will know and you will know quickly. Through this painful experience of unrequited love, I learned a lesson that never truly sunk in until I read the book He’s Just Not That Into You in 2003 or so, and that lesson is that if a guy is making excuses or you are making excuses for a guy for why he isn’t getting serious with you, then you’re wasting your time.
It was only recently (this year in fact) after playing a dangerous game of long distance, late night phone flirting that ended with a chance meeting at an airport terminal and the cessation of the receipt of further calls from the same aforementioned crush, that I finally wizened up and had to talk myself out of that sad unreciprocated fantasy.
In the weeks and months that followed, the picture started to become clear in my mind of why we didn’t work. Other than the obvious, surface-level, cultural differences (the implications of which I intend to discuss in future articles), he and I just would never had worked, because as blind as my love for him was, I don’t think his love’s vision had quite the same impairment. He saw me for who I was and for some reason that person did not fit into his world and if I had stopped to take off my rose-colored glasses, I might have observed the same signs of incompatibility. Honestly, I think I was just excited by the nuance of an unexpected caliber of gentleman recognizing my femininity and showing me attention of a flattering kind.
At the end of the day, for that relationship to work, I would have had to change in ways I was not motivated to at the time due to my core understanding of who I was at the time. The fact of the matter is, I was not the person that the person I was looking for was looking for, and I had no intention of becoming that person. The problems (including depression and low self esteem) came when I continued trying to force myself “as is” into the life of someone who was not interested in what I had to offer.
Now, more than 10 years later, I am finally realizing my worth, including a feminine value not worth compromising for anyone. I am learning that my joy comes not from the validation of that worth from men who never saw it before (but eventually see it through clever manipulation and coaxing), but from the maturation of the original value through nurturing, cultivating and protecting it’s intrinsic nature and freedom of expression.
So, today, the question remains, am I the person that the person I am looking for is looking for? Well, I think so. However, I believe that in order for me to recognize the person that I am looking for when he comes looking for me, I too must recognize whether and if the person that I am trying to be is the person I am ready and willing to be for the rest of my life…