When you’re dating, one of the worst things that can happen is when you think the date went well and you later find out that your interest was not reciprocated by the other person. Sometimes, the other person was not attracted to you physically, and there is nothing you can do to change their minds about that issue once the date has already taken place (after all, you only get one chance to make a first impression and hygiene is important for everyone). But other times, the person did not want to go on a second date with you because they did not feel the “elusive” spark that they were hoping to feel on the first date. What is the spark exactly?
Very few people can define “the spark.” Oftentimes, it is used to refer to the sexual attraction between two people. Other times, it can mean feeling as though you both clicked in terms of personality compatibility. Ultimately, looking for the spark is a lost cause because you need to spend a few hours getting to know someone to determine whether you have similar goals, personality characteristics, sexual values and ethics. One date is not going to help you determine if you are compatible with the other person. Worst still, a person who is making dating decisions based solely on physical attraction may not be willing to do the work later on that it takes to sustain a healthy relationship when times get tough. It is a waste of time to date people who are looking for the elusive spark.
If you are serious about dating for marriage, your number one priority should be to find ways to filter out daters who are looking for the romantic spark. After all, those people tend to be serial daters who go on an endless number of dates because they are looking for an instant connection. These are the people who find ways to squeeze in four or five dates each week. So what are the signs that your date is a serial dater who is looking for instant chemistry?
They Push for the First Date
You can always tell that the person is a serial dater because they do not waste any time getting you to agree to going on a date. While it is boring and inefficient to wait weeks and sometimes months to agree to go on a date, serial daters want to go on a date before they spent any time getting to know you. You’ve seen them before in nightclubs―you return their glance, make eye contact for a few seconds and they come over and ask for your number. And if you have ever tried online dating, you have received their messages before. You wink and them and they ask if you are free for coffee tomorrow.
The serial dater gets excited by the randomness of searching for the romantic spark, so they will reach out to anyone to see if a romantic connection is possible. These daters have not learned yet that it is better to call dates on the phone to screen them first to check for personality and value compatibility. If you recognize them online or on the street, just move on because they will waste your time.
I’m sharing an actual conversation I have had with a serial dater. We met for coffee in a cramped coffee shop. The meeting was long, boring, and I realized that I did not spend any time getting to know the person before the date. (I also learned that coffee dates are the worst kind of dates you can have because they are cold and unromantic). We met once and never met again. Here’s the conversation that lead up to the date:
Me: [I winked at him on a dating site]
Him: Are you off tomorrow? Want to meet at a cafe somewhere and play some chess?
Me: (I ignore his invite) You might have the best profile I’ve seen thus far. Great photos.
Him: Thanks! I’m not that cool all the time in real life, but I try to do some interesting things…
[We talk about work and school for a few messages]
Him: So I’m out great at online messaging, you want to meet up in real life for a coffee or something?
As you can see from the above conversation, his first message out of the gate (!) was a request to go out for coffee before he knew my name, or whether I believed in Jesus or Ganesh, or if I wanted kids. I should have ignored his message and realized that he was looking for the romantic spark.
They Will Just KNOW
Another sign of the serial dater is that they feel like they will just know when they connect with someone. They do not believe that love can grow between two people over time. When it comes to love with the serial dater, either they feel it or they don’t. They are ultimately impulsive, and less likely to delay gratification. I have experienced this before, since I’ve met a few serial daters during my Red Pill Diary dating experience over the past year. You can see this during the date if they are impatient and want to schedule a date with you right away. And during the date, you know you are with a serial dater if they tell you that they feel connected with you right away.
What I Learned
You can take a few steps to recognize the serial dater.
- First, always call him first before the date to see if you actual enjoy talking to the person. Chatter is important! If he does not want to talk first, or asks why you want to talk first, he’s a schmuck, and should be avoided.
- Second, find a way to determine if he is looking for a spark. I like to ask men trick questions like, “How do you know if you found someone that you click with?” I also like to ask: “Do you think that attraction is something that is built over time or are you pretty confident that you know immediately whether the relationship will work?”
What are your experiences with the serial dater? How can they be avoided? Subscribe if you like what you see at Ladies Again.