Men Only Marry Women Who Demand Marriage

Photo by Michelangelo Carrieri Flickr.

I’ve always thought of myself as a laid-back, low-maintenance chick, someone that would never give a man a lot of stress. So when I asked my ex-boyfriend years ago if he wanted to get married, and he told me that he needed more time, I gave him all the time he needed. As in, several years to figure out how he felt. In the end, we never got engaged or married, and we ended the relationship shortly after. I never got upset with him, or threw a temper tantrum when he seemed put-off by my interest in marriage. I wanted to be an understanding partner and I did not want to feel like I forced someone to marry me by giving an ultimatum.

It turns out that my laid-back nature was not healthy for my love life and aspirations for marriage. According to the groundbreaking book “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others” by John T. Molloy, it is only the women who demand marriage that end up getting married. Those women who patiently wait for the man to set the terms of their relationship often never end of getting married.

“Our most important discovery was that the primary difference between women who marry and women who do not is Women who marry insist that the men in their lives marry them,” said Molloy. “More than 73 percent of the women coming out of marriage license bureaus with the future husbands told us they had put pressure that didn’t involve an attempt to manipulate their man into marrying them but was simply a result of their telling their man what they were feeling.”

The book makes this point clear: Women who wish to be married need to tell their spouses that it is vital to their long-term happiness if they are married. And they need to make it clear that they won’t settle for anything less.

“The idea that any woman needs a man to be happy and fulfilled today seems politically incorrect. Nevertheless, 64 percent of the brides-to-be told us they held this belief, while less than 20 percent of the women who did not think they would marry held the same belief,” said Molloy in the book. “We concluded that a woman who believed that marriage was essential to her happiness worked harder at finding a mate.”

Why Men Marry Some Women Image
Why Men Marry Some Women Image

Molloy recommends that women refrain from giving “It’s marriage or me!” ultimatums. Instead, he recommends that women say something along these lines: “I love you, but I need marriage.” This is a delicate way of speaking to the man about how you feel, without making the discussion about marriage accusatory or hostile.

Here’s more interesting points from the book:

  • “When we asked couples about to marry which of them had first spoken about marriage, 69 percent said it was the woman, 12 percent the man. The remainder did not remember, were not sure, or disagreed. Most of the times they disagreed, the man said it was the woman, and she did not remember it that way.”
  • “Discussing marriage is important for a number of reasons. One of the most important is to avoid a misunderstanding that can strike a major blow to your plans to marry.”
  • After reviewing the data, we came to this conclusion: If the woman conveyed to the man in her life the belief that marriage was essential to her happiness, it often became a very powerful argument for marriage. Almost a third of the women who were about to marry said that they discussion or argument that convinced their fiance to propose went something like this: ‘Marriage is essential to my happiness. If you love me as you claim, you’ll do what it takes to make me happy.'”
  • “Interestingly, 63 percent said they would have proposed in a year or two. That’s a very revealing answer: Our research showed that when men delayed proposing by as little as three months, often they never proposed. Without such pressure, there probably wouldn’t have been a proposal at all!”
  • “The majority of those women also believed that their men understood if they remained a couple for a year or more and were getting along, at that point they should start seriously considering marriage. This is an extremely good idea: Left to their own devices, less than percent of their future husband a thought dating for a year and being in love meant marriage was necessarily the next step.”

So be very vocal about your feelings ladies! If you are a woman who wants to get married, you only have so much time to discuss the subject seriously with your spouse before the optimal moment passes.

Do you have any advice for speaking to a man about marriage?

 

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Is He the Right Guy to Date? Skip the Men Who Party Too Much

The Adicts at SO36. Kreuzberg-Berlin

What’s one of the best ways to figure out if a man is ready for marriage? Ask him how much he enjoys drinking and going out to bars. In one of the greatest books ever written on dating, researcher John T. Molloy argues in “Why men Marry Some Women and Not Others” that the best-suited men for relationships and marriage are those who have already grown tired of the singles scene in bars and nightclubs.

In the book, Molloy and a team of researchers interview men and women just leaving marriage license bureaus to learn more about the similarities between marriage-minded people. Their findings are startling and eye-opening. One of the findings from the research shows that marriage-minded men are those who have grown out of the singles scene.

Man binge drinking.
This guy probably isn’t thinking about marriage and kids.

“Many men reluctantly admitted that for more than a year, they had felt uncomfortable in the singles world where they had been hanging out for the past five years,” Molloy said. “It is not how old they are that makes men uncomfortable, it is how old they feel, or how old others make them feel. Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry.”

So, it’s in your best interest to avoid dating men who love to party because those men are probably not ready to settle down. I’ve experienced this personally. I dated an older man who had absolutely no interest in giving up the bar and partying scene. Going out partying with his boys week after week was just as much a priority to him as spending time with me or with his family. I now know to look specifically for men who are getting bored by the club and bar scene.

The book also provided tips on other ways to find marriage-minded men, including:

There is a specific age range when a man is ready to get married

  • A man whose education ended at the high school level is looking to get married at ages 23 or 24. Similarly, a man whose education ended at the college level is looking to get married at age 26. When men earn graduate degrees, expect that they will want to get married in their late 20s or early 30s.
  • “Ninety percent of men who have graduated from college are ready for the next step between ages twenty-six and thirty-three…But this window of opportunity stays open only for four to five years, and then the changes a man will marry start to decline.” (3)
  • Aim for men who are between ages 28-33.

There are “Stringer” Men Who Have no Intention of Marrying Anyone

  • Have you ever met a man who told you that he’s had several long-term relationships? That man is likely a “Stringer,” a man who enjoys the companionship of women, but has no interest in committing long-term to one specific person.
  • “A stringer is a man who strings women along….He often tells women, up front, he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.”(11)
  • Make a deadline for the stringer to commit: “If he doesn’t commit to you within six months, get rid of him….He may tell you that you’re coming on too strong. He may complain that the two of you haven’t been going together long enough, that he doesn’t know, that he hasn’t made up his mind. In fact, he is likely to tell you anything that will get you to stick around without his needing to make a commitment. Don’t fall for it. The chances a stringer will marry are very slim; he is simply not the marrying kind.”

Some Men are Bachelor’s for Life

  • If you are dating a man in his late forties, it is likely that he will never get married. It is a much better idea to date a man in that age range who has been widowed or divorced, than to marry an older man who has never gotten married.
  • “Once men reach age forty-seven to fifty without marrying, the chances they will marry do not disappear but they drop dramatically.” (10)

Many Men Hate Women

  • Finally, there is a special group of men to avoid—those that think that the majority of women are gold-digging whores. These men distrust women, and think that there are no benefits to getting married (never mind that marriage is the best way to provide a stable home for children or that very few cohabiting relationships tend to last more than a few years).
  • Many men look at women and marriage as poor financial investments. “The irony is that many of the men who spoke this way really didn’t have all that much anyway…If a man talks of marriage as a financial game in which women are out to make their fortunes, don’t just walk away—run! Such men are hardly ever going to be the marrying kind.”

Other Points to Remember

  • Think long and hard about dating someone whose parents had a tumultuous marriage or divorce. Not everyone who has experienced family issues at home are damaged goods obviously, but you should pay attention to how he feels about marriage and divorce.
  • See if he has friends who have are married. If all of his friends are living the single life, he probably will not want to get married yet.
  • Check to see if you have the same values. “Men often marry women whose backgrounds—religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status—match theirs. “Are you both from the same socioeconomic class? Do you belong to the same religion?
  • See if he lives alone because men who live as independent adults are more likely to marry.

Have you ever wasted time on the wrong guy? Talk about it below!

 

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